Please Help me, Confused about guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Please Help me, Confused about guy
6
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:25am
I'm kinda new to this board but would like some help on this guy that i'm totally into. We've known each other for 8 years, i'm 25 and he is 26. I recently moved back to town like 4 months ago and we ended up going out one night and having a great time. I spent the night at his house and things kinda blossomed. The only bad thing is that his religion forbids us to be together and so it's kinda a secret. While it's kinda a secret many people know about us and he's even told people about us being together, which could get him into major trouble with the church. Anyway, i know he's been under a lot of stress lately and his moods go from good to horrible. He has really withdrawn from me. Anyway after a talk we both agreeded to back off for a bit, but he always comes to where I work and tells me to drop by his house. I don't feel comfortable just dropping by his house without letting him know. Anyway, his neighbor has been saying some horrible things about him lately and he even confrotned me this past sunday in a very angry manner saying that i believed the rumors, he didn't even give me a chance to tell him that i don't believe the rumors. I tried to go by his house and see when he was home last night but from 7 till 10 he was not home, i wanted to talk to him about all this yet i still havent' and he didn't come into the store tonight so that i could talk to him. I truly like this guy and he's told me that he really wants me to but i'm not sure what to do, i'm a shy person and he can be intimdating right now with his attitude. What should I do to try and get this relationship on track????????

Please Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:25am
look, if the guy is that religious that he's afraid to admit to anyone that he likes someone of another faith, it might be best that you move on to someone who doesn't hold those particular religious beliefs - you're really not compatible.

you gotta understand, religion is very important to some people, at varying times to varying degrees - if his whole entire world would go against him if he pursued you further, can you just imagine the ongoing problems????

why would you deliberately walk into a situation that heated? you'll never have peace with this guy or his family is your more-than-friends relationship continues.

dont' encourage him to disrespect his religion when he's obviously not comfortable doing so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:39am
It's not about his religion, that one we have already talked about and know what we are going to do about that issue. It's just best right now that it's low key. I just need help fiquring out why he seems to push me away when he tells me that he wants me. It's obvious that he likes to be around me, he went away for 4 days and the first thing when he got back was to stop and see me. I'm a little nervous right now to be around him and I think that is one of the things that is making him push me away. He likes woman that are sure of themselves not shy and withdrawn.. so i'm not sure if he would get mad if i just stopped by his house. I want to but a little shy to do so.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 3:10am
The only bad thing is that his religion forbids us to be together and so it's kinda a secret. While it's kinda a secret many people know about us and he's even told people about us being together, which could get him into major trouble with the church.

^^^^^ but that's what you said in your first post. how can two you have come to a conclusion about that?

what was the conclusion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 6:53am

not sure if i understand - are you saying that he is willing at times to have sex with you, but other than that, there is no "relatinship"?


so basically, he doesn't really "buy" what his religion dictates, i.e., he doesn't really BELIEVE In it, but he is not man enuf to stand up to his parents/family/church/mosque/synagogue/whatever and say "I do not believe". so he will *be* with you in secret, but never out in the open. ever.


in addition to that, he is a moody man


in addition to that, he loses his temper and is verbally abusive to you


in addition to that, he is an intimidating person.


hmmmm.


doesn't really sound like a very "nice guy" to me. and doesn't really sound like a good basis for any kind of healthy mature relationship.


if you are willing to carry on, accepting whatever crumbs of affection/sex he will dole out to you, while ignoring his *moodiness* - that is your choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:20pm
About his religion, I'm very familiar with his type of religion and know for now that it has to be that way. If he decides to leave his religion then he will lose everything. He will be shunned by his community, family and friends. I don't pressure him to make a choice it's hard to leave everything you know and love that's why we are keeping it secret because before he decides to leave he has to make sure it's right, and i'm willing to see if we are right before he makes that life altering decision.

His moods I understand because right now he is torn between what he wants to do. He's getting pressure from his family and the church to finally settle down and get a girlfirend, but yes he doesn't agree with a lot of what the church says he should do. He's torn between a hard place and rock. Now your probably all thinking what type of religion is this, well to let you all in i will give you a hint, they are known as the plain people. So while sometime's he is moody and can be intimdating, it's nothing that I worry about, he's always been there for me when I needed him, and i think I have to get use to the fact he's the type of person that will tell you how it is, while i like that since i was in an abusive relationship before i got with him, i get hurt by some of his ways of saying things.

So since he does say to stop by his house, and last sunday I did stop by and visit with his sibilings he was not home. When I was getting ready to leave he showed up. Since my friend had to get home, I didn't have time to stay and chat with him, I waved and left. Then I seen him later that day and he asked why I didn't stick around and i told him that i had to leave and he was acting like he was going to go horseback riding so i didn't want to impose on him. He said you could of stayed for a couple minutes and i said no i couldn't. He was like yes you could of it made me feel like since I got home you wanted to leave. which it not true, he keeps twisting things around on me. What do I do to try and talk to him.... Not about church just talk to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 12:54pm
Give him some time to sort out what he's feeling... Seems to me that he's upset about more than MAYBE you believing what the neighbors say about him. He's got issues - yells at you for what he *thinks* you believe, instead of asking you, anger issues, intimidation, controlling tendencies (arguing with you about why you could have stayed when you said you couldn't - wanting things his ways, etc) if that's not how he normally is, then let him be and maybe he will contact you and offer the apology you deserve.


Carrie