please help me to decide!!!!!
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please help me to decide!!!!!
| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 5:15pm |
I have been married for over 2 yrs now. I was a virgin when I got marreid, sex was great initially between us but then we got busy with jobs, other stuff and though our relationship was strong we were very good freinds but the frequency of sex started decreasing. I worked long hours and nights and was always busy so did not approach this subject at all with my husband, thought it was just aphase and things would get better. But I always got the feeling that at times when I treid to initiate it he was not interested!!!Anyway couple of months back I found out that he was still in contact with this women he had met online before we were dating. As far as I could find out he does not have a intimate relationship with her but exchanges phone calls and emails. I did not confront him on this women but discussed our relationship issues, asked if was having an affair was pretty frank and open, he deneid everything and said he was committed to the marraige and would do anything to improve our relationship..since then our relationship has improved tremendously. But he still calls and gets and sends emails to this women and some of them have sexual content in them. This women lives in a differnet city so there is no way he has a physical relationship with her. My dilemma is should I confront him and ask him about this women he has never even mentioned to me or just wait and watch what happens. I am scared that finally things are better in the bedroom for us and confronting him could create problems. He is otherwise a very nice guy, takes real good care of me....I am confused sometimes I feel that maybe I am not horny enough for him..I am nice looking attractive women but I am a little shy when it comes to talking about sex

Would you consider going to marriage counseling and bringing the issues up in front of a third party?
Don't hide from the truth of the situation.
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie
'I don"t wan"t to make a big deal about it if it turns out to be nothing,'
You are rationalizing his behavior and you need to look at the facts. He is lying to you. He is having an emotional, sexual affair with another person even if it is phone sex or email sex. How can it be nothing? Even if it is once a month. Even if she is in another state and does not know he is married. Her knowledge is not the issue. His behavior is.
So now what? It is time to confront him and either work on the marriage with counseling or get out. Do this before you get pregnant.