Please help me fix my boyfriend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2008
Please help me fix my boyfriend!
10
Thu, 05-01-2008 - 9:51pm
So I've been with my boyfriend for nine months. I'm totally in love with him and in a lot of ways he's exactly what I need. I feel so fortunate to have someone who I admire personally and professionally (we work in different areas of the same field and he's always pushing me to do better in a positive way). The only problem is that he doesn't really know how to be a good boyfriend. He didn't get me anything for my birthday or christmas (which I know is shallow but still bothersome), I never see him before 10:30 at night (he works pretty much from the minute he gets up until 10:00 at night, sometimes even as late as 2:00am) and I can't get him to stay with me in the mornings (he's always running off to work.) At the end of the day, I know that it's me he wants to be with, but it often seems like he puts everyone and everything else first. It might seem like from an outside perspective he just doesn't really care all that much, but after some creative research I found out that the reason his previous (first, they were together for three years) girlfriend left him was because she was tired of being constantly disappointed by the same sort of behavior. I don't really want to talk to him about it because lately I've been more vocal about things that he does that bother me and I feel like throwing this one out there will be way too much. I just was wondering if there was anything that I could do to change things or if there was any advice for me other than "talk to him about it." Please help me out, I really love him, I want to keep him, and I want him to keep me without pushing me away with his bad relationship habits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2008
Thu, 05-01-2008 - 10:41pm
I can sympathize with your situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-01-2008 - 10:58pm

Welcome to the board eccotherobot,


kwestm gave you good advice. I only wanted to add - you can't fix (change, heal, alter) anyone else, you can only change how you 'react' to the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2008
Thu, 05-01-2008 - 11:01pm
I agree with the reaction thing. Before I found out about what happened with his last girlfriend, I was really upset with him and thought it was something I was doing. But now that I know it's a pattern thing, I feel much better about it. I just want to figure out what to do so that I don't end up being pushed away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 6:23am

Hi Eccotherobot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 2:36pm

"I know that it's me he wants to be with, but it often seems like he puts everyone and everything else first."


If that were the case then he wouldnt be putting everyone and everything else first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 4:20pm

I hope you don't mind an opinion from a guy. I tell you a story about myself and my wife but she was my girlfriend way back when. I was in my speciality residency when I met her. I had to work Long I mean long hours. I was also a competitive cyclist and had to train everyday. If I had one free second I wanted to spend it with her. I even shortened my training schedule to be with her. She was all that mattered. I didn't go out with my friends at the hospital. I went out with her. I never missed an occasion like a BIRTHDAY, eventhough I didn't have very much money. What I did have I saved and went without so I could get her something nice for that special occasion. For her first Birthday, that I was with her,

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 11:33pm

Hi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 5:32am
isnt this wonderful and sweet? It is.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 1:38pm

Sadly there is no way we can change another person. When someone has deep habits (and it doesn sound as though he's a workaholic, or perhaps has a deep fear of intimacy) - the only one who can change these habits is the person himself. A person only changes if they are personally in pain or hurting due to their behavior or habits. But if the habits work for them, then they have no incentive to change. Even when a person does choose to make changes, it usually requires professional assistance with deep habits, committment and patience.


So, the best thing to do here is to let him know how much you care for him and at the same time how upsetting his patterns are to you. Let him know that if he wants the relationship to grow, he really has to work on them - you might also mention, a relationship not only with you, but with any woman. Perhaps you can wake him up to the consequences of his behavior. If so, he might be willing to get some help with it. If not, there is really nothing you can do. Perhaps if he loses you over this, he'll be upset enough to do something. But often it doesn't work that way. The person just goes on and finds someone new and repeats it all over again.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sat, 05-03-2008 - 3:07pm

Your post came to my email instead of the original poster's email.