Please help me... Im at my whit's end!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Please help me... Im at my whit's end!!
18
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:23pm
HI everyone,

I have been married for 4 yrs now and we have a beautiful 2 1/2 yr old daughter together. I am 23 and my husband is 28 he is also in the Army active duty. My problem is that we got married at 19 and 24 and he started keeping thngs from me from the start. We didnt know each other very long b4 we married and he failed to tell me his car wanst paid for. Needless to say I got a shock when a collector called. then he started calling his ex fiance when we fought about something and I wouldnt talk to him. I found out about this 6 mo into our marriage. WEll long story short. He has been overseas for a while and came back last year. His deployment probably saved our marriage. We were separated when He got his orders and he started being affectionate towards me and opening up to me. Now things are back to normal and he is closed up and angry about stuff all the time. He says he's not happy and he knows IM not either. He thinks there isnt any hope for our marriage and that we always end up the way we started. He has said before that he wants me to stay and he loves me but he isn't in love with me. WE are both so emotionally detached. I for one am on prozac because I have a problem with depression and anxiety attacks. I have been having a problem with my meds lately and theyu have been switching them up a lot. I know that a lot of this is probably my fault because I am too critical of him. I love him with all my heart and want to be with him. HOw in the world do you get your husband to wantto be with you again? He is always angry and I have spoken to him about goign to get his blood pressure checked because his mother and grandfather both had hot tempers and then they got theirs under control and they arent so angry all the time. I think thats whats wrong with him but he wont get help. What do I do? PLEASE HELP ME

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:36pm
woslambert...

Not knowing how your body responds to any type of medication...prozac could be good or bad for you. This is why I suggested that you consult with your doctor or a medical professional. Drug interaction differs from person-to-person...and some of us can tolerate certain medications, while others might get an adverse reaction or (god forbid) something worse?

Pianoguy (who doesn't have a problem with medications...when they're taken and prescribed in moderation).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 12:39pm
::He was mad at me because I was gone so long. So today he gets up and packs a bag with clothes and says he is going to play golf and then going to the gym and he took dress clothes so I asked him if he had other plans and he said no. WEll later in the convo he said he didnt want to be drilled about where he goes or what he does. Then he left and came back like 20min later and said his friends were still passed out from the night before and acted like nothing happened between us. ONe minute he is telling me to go home (which is 6 hrs away in birmingham) and another he is saying he loves me before he walks out the door. And then saying he isnt in love with me. I dont know what to do or how to take this

This sounds like a few different things to me

1) classic power struggle

2) punishing you

3) looking for a 'reaction' from you - maybe so he doesn't have to make the decision


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 7:33pm
Itwinflame...

If that sounds like that to you then what advice do you have for me if any. Please help. I know people cannot tell me what to do but it makes me feel better when other people besides my husband are telling me to leave. I feel like such a fool right now. He is sitting here playing playstation and when I tried to talk to him he is being an @ss. He is drinking so I assume thats why. He keeps laughing at me when I say that he is in one mood one minute and one the next. I want so bad to get up and leave but I love him so much and he doesnt know how he is destroying us. I swear the military has such an effect on men. He keeps asking me if I want to attend a BBQ at his friends house and I dont understand why he wants to go with me if he is so angry with me and being a smart @!!. I feel so lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 8:04am
You can't make him get help or go with you to marriage counseling, but you can get help for yourself.... go to counseling by yourself - it will give you a safe place to sort out how you feel and why and give you some direction and a place to decide your future.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. YOU are NOT LESS THAN because of his actions, choices, decisions, words, behavior, ignoring you, laughing at you or anything else.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:57pm
Itwinflame,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. That really means a lot to me that people do care and go through the same things that I feel right now. I asked him today if he wants to get help or talk about this w/o any distractions and work this out for our marriage. HE said he wanted to be with me but he didnt feel talking would help anythng. While he was sayign this he was playing his playstation and burping and just trying to be annoying. I feel like Im lost on what to do. Everytime we argue about anything he wants us to forget about it and act like nothing happened. I can't continue to do that and thats the problem. We continue to throw up past problems because we never work them out. And we play the blame game and want each other to feel sorry for us but we don't and it makes things worse. We arent nice to each other at all. Its also hard for us to trust each other too. He continues to act like he doesnt care and wants me to leave but he says otherwise. I dont know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 4:10pm
So what if you feel like you are running away! You are running toward a new life with your daughter and protecting her from observing this seriously dysfuntional relationship. This isn't a marriage, it is a mess. Get away from this man who cares nothing about you or the marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 4:38pm
I agree with Ciao_Gina 100%. If you want to run away, then see it as an adventure, as a trip to finding a better place for you and your daughter. Don't worry about him, he will be well accompanied by his playstation, and even though he is physically with you, I bet he is still playing war games in his head. He might even be playing SOCCOM or some other army war game right now. Though he is physically away from the army (or wherever he was) his mind is still there. He might have seen things that have traumatized him and have made him shy away from wanting to love or share any kind of emotion with people. So I say that until he wants to help himself, there is nothing you can do for him.. move on honey and do your best not to portray yourself as a victim in front of your daughter, because when she grows up she will act, and pick a partner by what she has seen as her primary example, and that is you. My prayers will be with you and your daughter, good luck.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 5:51pm

You can't force him to go for help, and you can't make things right between you two all on your own. A marriage consists of two people and each one has to play their part. His anger is his problem, and he must be willing to take responsibility and cope with it. If he doesn't, naturally it will come out on you and in any relationship that he may be in. All you can do here is get the help you need yourself to understand better what is going on, to see what the true possibilities are for this relationship and then to make healthy choices for yourself. You can communicate openly and honestly to him about what you need and feel and hope he'll do the same. If he won't, and if he won't move forward in dealing with his feelings, then there doesn't seem to be anyway the two of you can grow in this relationship and work things out.


Best wishes.

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