Please help me not be bitter

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Please help me not be bitter
8
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 7:08pm
Hi. I've never written on these boards before, but I figure it would be a good way to get real opinions from real people. About 4 months ago, my fiance, the father of my son, cheated on me. We had planned to move, so i went first while he finished up work, and then "the girl" called me from my fiances and told me that she had been staying at our house, and that they had been sleeping together and our in love. i of course was devestated. I confronted him, and he did confirm he had slept with her but insisted it was one time and all the other stuff she said was a lie. I wanted nothing more to believe him, after all, love is blind. I decided to give him another shot, but I can't seem to get over this. I broke into his hotmail and found different messages from different girls and he admits he talked to other girls, but that is all. How can I trust him thou? We have been together for 7 years and have a wonderful son together. In the last 4 months he has been great to me, we've been very intimate, have great conversations, and he really won't go anywhere without me. He has told me that "the girl" was the biggest mistake ever and that he was just not himself when it happened. He wanted to tell me but he was so scared he would lose me. i just want to know if anyone out there has ever had a cheating spouse that it worked out for. Can it really work out. Will I ever trust him, and does anyone have any advice for me. I know I sound like an idiot and all, but I do love him. I love my family. Thanks A lot!


Edited 5/23/2004 12:13 pm ET ET by desimae28
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 9:46pm
Do you have a wedding date set and an engagement ring on your finger?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:43pm
i can tell you from experience that someone cheating on you is probably the single most worst feeling next to someone dying, and its soooo hard to forgive cause you just cant stop picturing the actual act in your head...

i gave my ex-fiance a second chance after he said "it was a mistake", "i'll never never do that again", "i was gonna tell you but i thought i would lose you", and even though i was devasted i took him back. i would always throw it in his face, question every move and just basically kept him under lock and key...

well, that was just too exausting to handle, i felt miserable and more alone then ever (even though things went well for awhile), it just didnt work for me and the relationship winded up self destructing all by itself. i cheated, he never found out and i lost trust and that is the most important thing to me...

i dont think a relationship can work out if the trust is gone and its almost inevitable its going to end. please think about the decision your going to make cause i only mentioned one incident but its happened more than once and every one of my friends have had the same results. I hope for you and your childs sake everything works out.

but i do believe that everythign happens for a reason and if it doesnt work well then its his loss and im sure you can get on without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 4:45am

you are definately not an idiot! you want things to work out for your family, and that is not being stupid. i dont know what the 'statistics' say, and only YOU know this guy and only YOU know what will work for you and what won't.


trust - will not just magically come back. he did something very very wrong, and its going to take more than being nice to you for four months to get trust back. HE needs to learn that. I honestly don't see how you can do this on your own. if you are BOTH comitted and BOTH serious about making this work - then DO NOT do this without getting professinal help.


if he refuses - then you have your answer.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:28pm
Thank you all so much for responding.In regards to if I have a ring and a wedding date set, I do and I do. The wedding date is in May 2005, I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. It's so funny. Before he cheated on me, I could tell something was up. I just didn't want to believe it. And on his behalf, our relationship was for awhile in a rut. We weren't really there for eachother physically, mentally, or emotionally. I am not saying it was okay, but I considered all of that with my decision to give him another try. I know I was lonely, and who knows if the shoe was on the other foot. I know I act neurotic now, screening calls, checking the history on the internet,ect. But I am just so scared of getting hurt again. He fullheartily accepts that he lost his trust, and it is really hard to be with someone when your so vulnerable. I am going to see a couples/marriage therapist. I figure maybe it would help me with my flaws. I have mentioned that to him before, he has said "if you want I'll go, but I do think we can do it" so he's not against it. And if I can't get over this distrust I just don't know what i'll do. Because like one poster said, I don't want my relationship to self destruct. But again thanks to all who gave me advice. Now i'm glad I have somewhere to go when i need a non biest opinion. thanks.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 3:04pm
Excuse me?????? You're going to work on *your* flaws????

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. YOU are not the one who is flawed here. No matter what you did or didn't do in your r'ship, there is NO excuse for lying and cheating. None. You fix the r'ship, or you get out, you don't cheat. Unless HE changes the values that allowed him to think cheating was ok, he will do the same thing again. Changing one's values is extraordinarily difficult and will probably take years of counseling and hard work on his part.

That's the action that needs to be taken here. Go to counseling for yourself if you like (to learn how to deal with the betrayal and learning to trust again) but the two of you need couples counseling and he needs individual counseling.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 5:01pm
HI:

I am so sorry that has happend to you. I sympathize with you because i know my fiancee cheated on me to. I just wanted you to know there are woman out there just like you and i am one of them. Its hard because even though your situation is most likely much harder than me. We are still in the same boat because my fiancee has not fully admited to sleeping with the girl but the girl did in some way. It hurts because i understand where your coming from in the way of how can we overcome this and trust again. MY fiancee said the same to me. He wants me and only me. I found out in a different way but than everyday i try to be happy. MY world came down about a month ago but it was not till last Tuesday that i confronted him with it because i could no longer keep it inside. Since than i have tried to be happy. Let the days go by and hope that he will not do this again. Lets pray and have hope that this will not happen again. I mean we are with them and still hope to marry. I have been with my fiancee for 5 yrss. I also have a son just recently by him who is 4months soon. I understand you . I am also seeking an answer of anyone who has overcome. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Please keep in touch and i also pray for you and your family. YOu can also read my long novel of what happend to me under "boyfriend cheating". TAke care....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 3:08pm
Hey destiny. I wrote you back on your post. I hope it help. And thanks to all that replied to mine. I am so glad to know that there are people who have been through, or now are going through, what I am. So many people I know have said, "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I just don't believe that. I like to think people make mistakes and can overcome low moments in their life and come back better and stronger than ever. I know it is going to be a long, hard journey of forgiveness, but I think that as long as we want it to, it will work out. I hope anyways. But it's so nice that if I need advice I can at least come here and share. Thanks again!!!!!!!!!

desi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:22pm
I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. Finding out someone you love betrayed your trust is a strong blow to your ego, psyche, and overall sense of security. But you make me nervous in your post when you talk about "correcting my flaws".

While it is true that every relationship problem has two sides, and both people contribute to the health or demise of it, please do not blame yourself for your fiancee's actions. He had three choices if he was unhappy....1) talk to you and discuss what he needed from the relationship; 2) leave the relationship; or 3) cheat. While you may have done some things to bring him to the point of making the decision, the ultimate decision was his. He chose to take the coward's way out by not confronting the problem and seeking outside "relief", if you will.

With that said, if you want to save this relationship, it CAN BE DONE. But you going to therapy to work on yourself isn't going to do it. By not holding him accountable for his end and letting him know that you think it was your fault, you are reinforcing his decision that cheating was an acceptable option. It's not. In order to save your relationship, you're gonna need couples counseling and ground rules (and that is SO important...I can't stress that enough). Some men feel more comfortable doing counseling with a religious leader/preist/pastor instead of a psychiatrist because they equate psychiatry with craziness. If you are engaged already, the church you plan to marry at probably offers premarital counseling services anyway. Take advantage of it and make it clear that your main goal is to salvage what's left and rebuild trust, not to find someone to vent to while he has to listen. But this suggestion is not to advocate letting him off the hook. I'm just offering an option that will let you address the issue and your feelings without making you feel violated all over again every time you attend a session.

Now for the important part...guidelines. Yes, they are necessary, and no, this does not make you insecure or pushy or a nagging b*tch. Think about it this way - if you cheated on your tax returns and got caught by the IRS, there would be certain rules you'd have to follow in the next couple years to prove your honesty. You would be subjected to an audit and made to account for every move you've made in the past year. And while you would eventually be released from close scrutiny, you would have to back up any claims for a while until your trustworthiness was shown. A cheating spouse should be held to the same standards. They broke the rules and violated your trust so they are liable for an "emotional audit". Sit down with your fiancee and set a timeline. This is to ensure that he sees an end in the future to the scrutiny but also to let him know that until he has completed his "audit period", he is still subject to inquiries. List things you want to know about or be informed about before hand, such as:

- trips (business or pleasure? how long? contact numbers? who else is going?)

- late nights at work (estimated overtime? who else will be there? if phones are down, what are alternative ways to reach him?)

- going out (use this one mostly in the early stages; he shoul become more open as time goes on and it will be less necessary; who are you going with? where will you be? how can I get a hold of you if need be?)

You can come up with your own guidelines and ideas that suit your relationship. While this may seem extreme, trust me, it will help to ease your mind and your fiancee's as well. You won't have to nag and accuse him every time he steps out the door, and he'll know that with every move being accounted for, cheating will be hard to pull off. It will make it easier for him to resist temptation as well, knowing that you have a contract that states he needs to be accessible at all times. You can't be accessible and sneaky at the same time. ;o)

As I said, initially, it is going to be hard. This isn't an overnight cure, but it can be a good accompanyment to competent counseling. You guys sound like you both want this to work and that's the best starting point. Good luck and God bless!