Please help me save my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2004
Please help me save my marriage
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 5:10pm
My husband and I have been together for 17 years. Like most couples we have had our "ups and downs". I turned 40 this past year, he turned 37. This past year was probably the toughest we ever had. He got his dream job running a wilderness park. One of the perks was that we could live there also. We didn't sell our home, but HE moved into the park place and left me at the house. It's been almost a year. We did not legally seperate or divorce, he just never came home. I held out as long as I could and even considered moving on. Then in January my Mother passed away and it made me realize what my real priorities are. I love him. He says he loves me. But he does'nt want to give up his new found freedom and independence. He thinks it's okay and a good idea for us to live apart and date each other! I am staying with him now at the park place. I told him that to be fair he should either find a way to reconcile or cut me loose. I can't live in limbo much longer. He leaves every night to ride his motorcycle, hanging out with the guys. He leads a very active life but never EVER includes me. He comes home very late and does'nt call. He swears hes not seeing another woman and he is of the opinion that all women are "bad news"...he says he just wants to be alone. Sounds really bad huh?...I think so...but he thinks its fine and that I should be happy to be here. I want to work things out but I don't want to become his doormat. I am an attractive woman and have been told I look 10 years younger than I am. Looks don't matter though. I know that in the past I have done and said things that hurt his pride and made him feel less of a man. I am incredibly sorry but I can't take it back...can I make it up? I can see that he wants to work things out but his HUGE PRIDE & EGO are holding him back. He is very much a "type A" personality and in his mind he is NEVER wrong. I admit what I've done wrong but he won't. Please don't tell me it's time for a divorce, I don't believe in divorce. I need advice on how I can TRY to win back his affection. How do I show him the woman I've grown to be if he won't let me in? He has this wall around his heart and hardly ever lets down his guard. He always brings up every thing I ever said or did that I shouldn't have said or done. And I feel so guilty that it's all true. But he never sees that he was not the man he is today either. He has grown and changed for the better. Oh and by the way he's one of those people who had a terrible childhood and still carries around the baggage. If I cry it makes him hate me, it makes him run. I am only crying because of obvious reasons. How can I break the cycle of "he hates me sad/he leaves, I'm sad"? My feelings are hurt, my self-esteem is bruised and that makes me unattractive. How do I make him notice? the only thing that has worked was being apart...he missed me then, but I can't play that game any longer. He is arrogant and self centered to the extreme and I think he is making me suffer as a payback for his hurt pride. It all started about a year ago (about the same time he got the job & moved out, he had been ignoring me for months already) when I thought enough was enough and I went online into a fantasy world to escape, he found out and won't forgive me. I never met the guy I talked to online, he was just an escape from feeling bored and left out of my husbands life and affections. I wish I hadn't done it but I did and I understand how it had to hurt. I am at my wits end. What can I do?