Please help me save my relationship!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Please help me save my relationship!!
7
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 2:34pm

Ok, so I guess I should start with the back story. I'm a 25 year old man dating a 26 year old woman for about 2 and a half years now and we live in an apartment together...


This past weekend we went to her brothers wedding, had a great time, but when she came home monday (I came home on sunday) she said that she wanted to talk to me and went on to say that she didn't know if she was "in love" with me and that she thought we should break up. She said that she felt she had to break up with me because she was under the impression that I was absolutely 100% "in love" with her and was absolutely ready to get married to her. Well after some dramatics by me (I was caught pretty off guard here) I started to calm down and be a little more honest. Truth is I don't really know whether I'm "in love" with her either, and I'm definately not sure we should be married. After I told her those things we continued to talk, and I stressed that I thought it was wrong to end our relationship so suddenly without us being on the same page and actually making an effort to discover how we really feel about each other.


You see, we really do have a wonderful relationship, it's just at that point where we've been together for so long, we're getting deeper into our adult lives and the way I had been acting (basically acting as though I KNEW I was in love with her and that I 100% wanted to marry her, because I didn't have the courage to tell her I wasn't sure) made her feel like she had to make a choice between staying with me and hoping for the best, or leaving me and starting over (she didn't think there were any other options because of how she thought I felt).


Now, I think that our problem is that we've been together for 2+ years, love eachother, love being with eachother, but we don't really "share" or "experience" things with eachother, and I think that it's my fault. The last time we actually went out and "shared" or "experienced" something together (that wasn't dinner) was in mid-August when we went to the Phantom of the Opera together, and you know what? That night I was in love with her. I don't know what it is about me, but I just have this tendancy to "leave well enough alone" or something, I'm not actively bringing her into my life or exploring hers because, I don't know, I gues I have some stupid "if it aint broke don't fix it" attitude, when really, being in love is constantly sharing and experiencing things with eachother, and all we've been experiencing lately is being tired after work.


So now we've decided to make an honest effort to 100% (if that's possible) discover and understand how we feel about eachother. The plan is to go out, experience the city (we live in the D.C. suburbs), experience eachother, because what I brought up, and what is the honest truth, is that all of our happiest moments have been when we've been doing something together.


Does any of this make sense? Can we find "true" love by making an effort? or am I just dragging this out because I don't want to lose her, or am I too scared to lose her?


Any advice is very appreciated, she is a special girl and we are a special couple, but we just haven't put in the effort where it's needed the most.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 2:47pm

Welcome to the board hegemon,


I think you can make this work. You have come up with a good plan. You could also

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 3:29pm

Welcome to the board hegemon,


Having common interests help.... the fact that you want to now 'date' her, get involved, I think is a good sign.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 4:04pm

Thanks for the responses, I understand that this is a message board for women, but I figured it was the best place to go to figure out how I could do right by the most wonderful woman I have ever met.


Being a man, and having all of the wonderful male insecurities, I'm really having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that as far as she was concerned (before we talked), we wouldn't be together today. When somebody is so ready to make the incredibly difficult decision of breaking something off, is it really so easy to go back and give it another shot? She said that she can, and she has said that she really wants to give it a try, but I'm really just asking from a female psychology standpoint. I know you ladies don't know her, but from a female mind, is this really something that CAN be fixed? Can a woman really make a change and find themself falling in love with a man they were ready to leave (albeit the leaving was a result of me not communicating with her my real concerns about our relationship)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 4:52pm

Men are more than welcome to post on the board. Please feel free to at any time. We love hearing a man point of view on things.


Since her wanting to end things was because of a lack of communication and not necessarily her feelings for you than I think this can be worked out.

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-09-2007 - 5:56pm

Love is not a feeling, it is a verb, based in action, doing things, caring for each other, communicating, understanding. There's no such thing as being totally 100% in love all the time. Feelings, all feelings, good ones and bad ones, just come and go. What makes a relationship worthwhile and what makes true love and bonding grow is shared values, being there for one another, having similar life direction and going through all kinds of times and experiences together. Love is also built by open, honest, communication. There isn't a magic person or formula that will make any "in love" feeling last. Love is based upon respect for yourself and the other, kindness, openness, compassion and the willingness to give. Love is a practice. Start to practice love, to do and be what love is and your relationship can be the best thing in your life.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 12:11pm

I just wanted to thank everybody for the input and the words of encouragement.


We're slowly getting back into teh swing of things, which is hard for both of us in the sense that she had mentally prepared herself to not be with me and I'm finding it hard to shake the insecurity that has resulted from knowing that she was ready to leave me. I suppose it's foolish for me to think that 2 people can just snap back to normal after something so emotionally difficult just transpired.


On a lighter note though, we've spent the past two nights sitting and talking after work and watching stupid TV shows that we make fun of. We're also going to go for a hayride this weekend, pick a pumpkin then bring it home and carve it out, which I think should be a good time :)


Thanks again to all those that responded.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 12:17pm
Sounds like you have good weekend fun planned. I hope you two have a great time!




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