Please help me today with this!
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Please help me today with this!
| Mon, 07-12-2004 - 9:45am |
I really need advice! PLEASE! My husband came home from work on Friday and told me that there was a rumor going around that he was sleeping with someone (he works at a hospital)at work, he told me this because my sister works at the same hospital and that she might hear the rumor so he wanted to tell me first. The more I asked questions, the more he answered openly even though it hurts so bad. To back up a speck-- I was married before for 26 years, the last 10 years was just living together, we had lost communication, feelings, everything. We divorced. I met my current husband, we dated a year, lived together 2 years and then got married, been married for 4 years now. The first few years of our marriage I was going through an adjustment, in my head I would compare the two men on things one did and the other didn't do and so on (which was wrong to do). Like when I would come home from work if it was at 8 at nite and he's been home for a few hours, nothing was done around the house, where I was use to things being done before. It was very wrong of me to compare the two men, to make a long story shorter-- the last few months he said he couldn't take it any longer with me never smiling, always telling him things he doesn't do and etc. a woman at work would listen to him, be a friend and laugh at his jokes. For a week he went back to work to wait for her to get off from work and they would go get something to eat or hang out at work and talk. They ended up kissing, holding each other and he says "petting" went on but no sex. He's been honest telling me all this, we've had some deep conversations the last two days. After hearing all this, I said I needed to get away out of the house by myself, I was gone for 4 hours, he kept calling my cell phone (I wouldn't answer it), he called my families houses to see if I was there,then he decided to go house hunting for me, he was worried about me being gone so long. (I was at my mom's grave site the whole time)When I did answer my phone after 5 hours he came to me and we talked and talked. Both cried and cried, he said he was sorry. He said he couldn't take my negativeness anymore and someone else paid him attention and he wants to feel loved. So much that he said is true, but to cheat! I never thought this would happen to me! He went to work this morning (late) because we were up all night making love). He said he's going into work to tell her that he's made up his mind that we are going to make our marriage work, that he's sorry he started something with her a month ago. No more lunches together, no more anything together.
Do I go to her and talk to her or not? I feel that if I don't then she might think that I don't care. I am hurting so bad, do I go for counseling to learn how to deal with this or see if I can do it on my own or our own rather? My husband said not to keep thinking about it or else it's going to haunt me, he'll talk to me anytime I want to about it. I look at him, look at his lips and know that he's kissed someone else, he's held someone else in his arms when they were intended just for me, knowing that she has sat in my seat in his car.
I am just sick over this. Please give me some advice. He told me that if I can't move on with him and not look back that I can leave but he doesn't want me to.
Do I go to her and talk to her or not? I feel that if I don't then she might think that I don't care. I am hurting so bad, do I go for counseling to learn how to deal with this or see if I can do it on my own or our own rather? My husband said not to keep thinking about it or else it's going to haunt me, he'll talk to me anytime I want to about it. I look at him, look at his lips and know that he's kissed someone else, he's held someone else in his arms when they were intended just for me, knowing that she has sat in my seat in his car.
I am just sick over this. Please give me some advice. He told me that if I can't move on with him and not look back that I can leave but he doesn't want me to.

Take care of yourself,
C
Personally, I wouldn't talk to the other woman at all. If you have doubts or need examples of why not to, try posting on the Betrayed Spouse Support board and/or Healing after an Affair boards her at ivillage.
Also check out
Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli
Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms
Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris
Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore
http://www.retrouvaille.org/home.htm
www.marriagebuilders.com
Carrie
Why would you want to talk to her and explain anything? This woman sleeps with a married man and you are wondering what she thinks of you?
'I am hurting so bad, do I go for counseling to learn how to deal with this or see if I can do it on my own or our own rather?'
You two need marriage counseling to get through this.Talk to your MD and get a referral. Good luck.
First of all, I don't think that you should go and talk to her. This situation is about you and your husband -- not her. Who cares what she thinks anyway? If you trust your husband, let him deal with breaking it off with her. Second, I think that you two should get marriage counseling to help deal with the situation.
It sounds like your husband is a good guy -- he just wants the relationship that you had when you got married and for you to be the woman that he married. Lighten-up...are dirty dishes a reason to end a marriage?
Good Luck!