PLEASE-Help me to understand. I'm sad.
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PLEASE-Help me to understand. I'm sad.
| Sun, 09-12-2004 - 12:34am |
I need help understanding what happened between my ex and I. I don't feel like I can move on before I understand it. He is 36 and I am 25,we were in a serious relationship for almost a year and a half. He had a lot of stresss from work, and he was getting grumpy and snapping at me a lot. Since we have been together (because of the way he would treat me sometimes) I would ask him if this is what he wanted. He would cry and say he would do anything to make it work. I finally told him that we need to take some time to figure out what we wanted. So we took a week break and he called me and took me to a really nice dinner. He said that after being away from me that he realized that I was the one and he wants to work on himself to be a better person for himself and me. He left crying and said the he was going to stay in touch, and he wanted to start over and date and really appreciate eachother. A whole month went by and I wrote him a letter telling him I was going to try and move on because it didn't seem like he knew what he wanted. I told him that I hoped he would figure things out before to late. And left the letter and his house keys at his front door. He called me a week later and said that he felt that our relationship was casual sex and friendship and that I have always loved him more, and that we were not compatable and he had no patience for me. That being with me made him feel like a caged animal and his freedom was being threatened. ( Exact words). He called me a few days later and said that he didn't mean what he said and that I should hate him and we can't be friends. I found out that 2 weeks after our date he meet a stripper in Las Vegas and he likes her. Of course, I know this because his best friend is with my twin sister. He comes through my work at least once a week and won't even look at me. I am so hurt. Why would he want it to end so badly? Why? I feel so betrayed. I have not called or tried to contact him at all. He called less than a month ago, and I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message and he told his friend that he accidentally called. I just don't get it. I feel like he never cared for me. Although our relationship was very loving and affectionate. He has some major issues with his mom and sexually that I helped him through. He is running from me so fast and hard. I just don't get it. Please help me understand. This all started 2 months ago. And I am still going crazy.

I don't think any of his actions means that he never cared for you, most people would find it hard to be with someone for a year and a half and not care for them. My guess is that since you helped him with sex and mom issues that he was feeling very vulnerable being around you, here's a beautiful, younger woman that has her act together more so than this 'grown' man and now that you've 'healed' him, he wants to go 'play' with his new-found awareness. Hence the stripper.
He's the one that lost out. He's the one that still has issues. YOU are NOT LESS THAN because of his actions, decisions, words, behavior, choices, etc.
It will take time for you to get over this, you have to grieve for what might have been, for what could have been and for what you hoped would have been. Try journal writing and even write him a few UNSENT letters telling how you feel and why, but don't send them, burn them.
Again, sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
You know, I agree with the wise poster who responded you by saying that the deathknell of your relationship was that you saw him at his most vunerable, that you helped heal him, and that everytime he looks at you he probably remembers what a DICKWAD he used to be. He probably also, on some sub-human, lizard-brain level, sees what a DICKWAD he still is.
I think it's important for you to remember he's a dickwad. You sound like a lovely, intelligent, inquiring person. His behaviour stinks, and you're too good for him. (I usually avoid that kind of statement - overhead too many drunk college girls comforting their crying friend with it in bar toilets - but in this case it rings true.) Oh, I dunno, his behaviour is his behaviour - he's reponsible for it. He can make his own peace with god. But you should observe, learn, accept whatever responsibility is yours (usually some is) and go out and meet some men.
He's 36? I'm 36, and so is my boyfriend and so are most of my friends. Grown up people don't act like that. Go find a grown up boyfriend.
And please. A stripper in Las Vegas? I've got nothing against stippers - I'm all for them - but it just seems like he's:
a. got something really desperate and weird to prove about his sexuality
b. wants to go out with a woman who can't see him like you do.
Go! Be free of his dickwadery! Use the breakup to spring clean yourself! What's he been putting you off from doing for a year and a half? Do that! Go to Europe! Go back to school! Go out with your girlfriends and get loaded and taunt boys with your sexiness and enjoy this bright blue world!