Please Help: Need Advice!!
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| Tue, 06-12-2007 - 7:44pm |
Okay, I will try to be brief in summarizing my situation.
I am a 29-year-old female and my (ex) boyfriend is 30 years old. We have been good friends since we were in high school. He has never had a serious adult relationship because all of the girls he would date he would lose interest in or find fault with after a month or two and he would break it off. He (Tom) had always kind of had feelings for me/been attracted to me, but we'd never really done anything about it because we didn't want to risk ruining our friendship. But last August we decided to give it a try. Because of our history together, things got really serious really fast (e.g., talking about marriage and babies after 2 months of dating). I started spending more and more time at his place, and things got kind of routine. During the first few months we had pretty typical arguments about adjusting to the relationship. I have had several serious, long-term relationships in the past, but this was his first. He told me that he had fallen in love with me, that he never felt this way about anyone else, etc., etc.
We would get in little tiffs and he would tell me about his fears of losing his independence and getting into "everyday normal routine." He was used to being very independent and not having to consider anyone else. So he would say he would get confused -- but NOT about how he felt about me (he loved me) but about what he wants (if he wants to be in a relationship).
So at the end of February I found out that I would have to move out of state for a year for school (I will leave in August). I don't know if that was the cause, but about this time is when we starting arguing more and more --about stupid little stuff. He became more and more moody and sarcastic and annoyed with me. I am quite emotional and I do like a lot of attention, and I knew that sometimes got to him but all of a sudden it seemed to drive him nuts.
Anyway, after the arguing increased in March and April, I would want to talk, talk, talk about things and let him know how I felt and I would try to figure out why he was being so moody. He didn't even recognize that he was being moody and jerky! So we'd talk and say we would both try harder (we were both getting annoyed with each other about trivial things) ... but then things would be better for a day or two, and then the arguing would start again. So I was so frustrated that a month ago (over the phone) I told Tom we should stop dating. He was quick to agree, and we hung up. Well of course I was upset because that's not really what I wanted so 2 days later I called him telling him I didn't want us to be over and I was still willing to try and work out our issues. But he was hurt by the things I said during the breakup conversation, and he said he needed time and space to figure out what he really wanted.
And for the past month we've been in this weird fuzzy gray area of "not together" but not "completely broken up." He wanted a "break," but I couldn't deal with that. I went to his place to get my things, and he asked me to stay and talk. He said he did love me and care about me and miss me, but he needs time and space to figure out what he wants. And so we decided to see each other once a week during this time...but that didn't work because I wanted answers and I would pressure him and he would get frustrated and we would end up yelling (and me crying). Still, today he maintains that he is confused. That he doesn't know what he wants. He has admitted that he does NOT want to be in a relationship right now, he likes being single right now because he is "back in control" of his life and his time. But he insists he still loves me...he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. So today we decided that we are completely broken up and will keep in touch via email only -- to give him his space and time. He's said he thinks my year away on my own will be a great experience for me ... and my friends think he is thinking that after I come back, I will be more independent and less needy from being "on my own" for a year...and he's waiting for that.
I just don't know what to do. My heart is completely breaking because I do love him very much and I so badly want to try to make things work. I'm not 100% sure that things can work, but I'm not ready to give up this soon. I do believe him when he says that he does love me and cares about me and misses me. I know that our relationship was the most serious he's ever had and that he's never had such strong feelings for anyone else before. But he also says he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. And I guess that's the thing I can't understand. If he truly LOVES me, how can he not know if he wants to be in a relationship with me? Is that really possible? I've asked him if he's just afraid to tell me that he doesn't love me or doesn't want to be in a relationship with me ever again...and he maintains that is NOT the case. He just keeps saying how confused he is...and I just don't understand how he can be so confused....????
Also, he was talking about me moving in with him (in June and July) and about marriage and everything...and now he seems so freaked out about relationships. I know he's also affected by other people - getting divorced, not being happy...and I know it's scary, but again...if he truly loves me, would he be willing to let me go?
I don't know what to do. I am dying inside...I feel absolutely horrible about how we've ended up.
I knew this would be long...but I guess my main question is: Is it possible for him to truly love me but not want to be in a relationship with me (right now, anyway). And where does that leave me? What do I do?
Please help!!!

Welcome to the board lulu_2007,
Sometimes love just isn't enough. So yes it is possible that he loves you but just doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. It sounds like all the arguing got to him. Since he says he needs time and space right now, give that too him. Work on yourself. Good luck to you.
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