Please help! Need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Please help! Need advice!
5
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 3:24pm
My boyfriend and I are both 25 and have been living together for 3 years now. For the last year we have had a roomate or two. I agreed to this because we live in expensive California and we wanted to live in a place that was bigger than a crackerbox. In a year, we are moving to Florida and plan on buying our first home. I was very excited at the thought of having our own place and being more like a normal couple. I recently learned that my boyfriend still plans on having roomates to defer the cost. I feel that that we don't need help with the costs because we are just going to get a place we can afford - like how everybody else does it. Of course, technically having roomates will help with the cost, but what about privacy, comfort, my darn feelings?!? I hate the idea of sharing my personal space with other people but my boyfriend loves having people around him. How can we reach an agreement? When I try to explain how I feel and how I want to make a home with him, my boyfriend makes faces and gets huffy because he doesn't understand. Please help me! My boyfriend is beyond wonderful but this one thing makes me grit my teeth and I don't know what to do if we can't work this out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 5:09pm
Have you sat down and looked at your finances? Maybe if he sees the numbers and a budget he will realize that you can afford it.

Also, you mention that he loves having people around. Is this an issues in other areas of your relationship? I don't mean infidelity, I mean maybe there is an introvert/extrovert difference between the two of you and that is a problem. Is spending money a fight you often have?

I understand your position. I wouldn't look forward to buying a house if I was going to feel like I was in college again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:10pm
THE LAST POST HAD HIT A SPOT..MAYBE THERE ARE ISSUES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAT NEEDS TO BE FURTHER INVESTIGATED. MAYBE THIS MAN IS SCARED OF COMMITTING TO YOU SO THEREFORE HE LOOKS TO HIS ROOMIES TO EASE THE TENSION! ON THE OTHER HAND HE COULD BE A MONEY SAVER AND WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO SHARE THE EXPENSES ONLY FOR THAT REASON! HAVE YOU TWO TALKED ABOUT MARRIAGE AT ALL..I CANNOT RMEMBER IF YOU POSTED THAT OR NOT! IF I WERE YOU AND THIS IS TRULY SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE AGAINST..DO NOT MOVE! TELL HIM THAT IF A ROOM MATE IS WHAT HE IS LOOKING FOR THEN TO GO FIND ONE! YOU ARE LOOKING TO START A LIFE NOT A SOROITY! (SPELL CHECK)GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:23pm

are you buying this house together - each putting down the same amount, each contributing the same amount toward morgage, bills, etc.? or is he buying the house?


it seems to me that if you can't afford to buy a house without having roomates - then you are not financially ready to buy a house.


if its NOT a money issue, and he just wants people around - then it seems that you have different life styles. this is a major issue, and sounds a bit too "college" to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 1:36pm
Well, my immediate reaction if this was happening with me is that I would get my own place. I know it's not what you want but your current living situation isn't what you want either, is it? Obviously what you want isn't mattering much at all. So let him know that this living situation isn't for you and also let him know that you want more than anything to share a home with him alone. But in the meantime, until he is ready for that, you are going to get your own place so you can have the privacy and comfort you so crave. This way you can get back some control over your home environment, you can take the time to re-assess your current relationship and it could provide an opportunity for the both of you two uncover and deal with any issues that could be behind this situation to begin with.

If the two of you have a strong relationship then your moving out won't hurt it. Hopefully eventually he'll miss you and realize what he had and thus will be more willing to compromise about the living situation.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 2:12pm
Thank you everybody for your advice!! To clear up some things - we don't need roomates to help pay...we're not starving. But my boyfriend is a military guy and just used to thinking efficently and he is always always mr resourceful. Another thing is it is true we are different - he is an extrovert and I am an introvert. I don't mind having all his friends over - as long as they go home at night time! So...even though we would not need roomates to make ends meet, he still wants roomates. We are still discussing this and I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks again everybody!!