Please help save my relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Please help save my relationship
4
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 7:57pm
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we have even talked about getting married and having children together. Unfortunately, my boyfriend has a lot of problems with trusting me and believing me that he's the only one in my life. I have never done anything to make him think that, but it's something that's always in his head. Also, he comes from another country where when you want to marry someone it's best to find a virgin. He cannot forget the fact that I've had boyfriends before him and that I wasn't a virgin. He knew this from the start of the relationship, yet he still pursued it and lead me on for almost two years. He says he still loves me and he wants to work on his problems but he doesn't know how to get rid of his thoughts, and how to accept the fact that he is not my first sexual partner. He says it's like a scar that will always be with him. Please help me save my relationship. Can you give me some advice on what I should do, I don't know if counseling would help. Is there anything else that we could try? I can't change my past, but I don't want to let him go. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 10:26pm
'I don't know if counseling would help.'

Why not? I think that if he realizes that he has issues with jealousy and a conflict with his cultural expectations and values then counseling may be a great solution.

You are right. There is only so much you can do and you can't change your past. He has to find way to get past that. Either couples' or individual counseling can help him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 9:54am

I think counseling could help...not only with helping him realize that its okay to accept your culture, but its another to let it rule your life and make you miss out on love and that just because you are not a virgin , odesnt make you not worthy of his love. That is not your culture, its his.


It can also help him with his insecurities about being cheated on..If he doesnt want to go to counseling, or you are not up for it, you must look at your relationship and wonder what a life you'll live always having to yourself over his insecurities...is it worth it?


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:41pm
Girl, I was married for 23 years to a man who never let me forget my past, I was never ashamed of my past, I was a wild and crazy girl in the 70's we all were. i slept with a lot of guys, he found out from my brothers friends, they told him all kinds of stories about me, some true, some not. as much as I assured him that there was no other men in my life, he was always thinking i was going to cheat on him, i never looked at another man, he just never got over it,I left him almost 3 years ago,

my advice: see if he will seek couselling, if not, let him go
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 3:53am

my gut feeling on this is to let him go. HE can't get past this - its HIS problem. if he comes frm a culture where virginity is treasured - thats wonderful, but he SHOULD marry someone more in line with his culture.


just out of curiousity - has he slept with other women? has he slept with you? are you ok with this double-standard, hypocritical culture?


also - does he come from a background where women wait on the men? where women don't go out to work, or they do go to work but it is expected that they also take care of the home/children? what about religion? these are things that you really need to think about BEFORE you even discuss "therapy".


he seems to be happy with the way he is. you are right that you can't change your past - but it doesn't sound liek HE is going to ALLOW you to FORGET it. and that is NOT the way to start a healthy realationship