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| Mon, 09-06-2004 - 1:22pm |
Hi, I have been married for a year and for a couple of months fell into the trap of being scared to death he was going to leave. I was constantly trying to make him more romantic, looking for reassurance, etc. My husband loved me very much and love him beyond words. However, once I realized how I was making him feel and ruining our marriage it was to late for him. He now says he loves me but doesnt have any "love" for me anymore. He doesnt feel like he should toward a wife. I was completely devastated and its my worst fear come true. I know that I will change for the relationship but for him he feels its too late. He said he would give it until the end of the year and even see a counselor but that he really feels like there is no way he will regain any attraction or feelings toward me again. To make him more comfortable there no longer is any kissing or itimacy. I am devastated and trying not to cry constantly because I know that will only hurt matters. He said he only feels there is a 10 percent chance marriage conseling is going to work. We start next week. How do I deal with the grief of a possible seperation which I know is going to be devastating while living day to day with him and trying to have hope he'll love me again? I cant bear the fact of our marriage ending. I understand he feels a certain way but I love and need him. Help.

Pianoguy isn't a professional therapist. . However...you and your husband have some definite preconceptions that you need to LOSE...before you accept the idea of professional counselling!
You're willing to change in order to please him...but he has to make a few changes too! One person doing EVERYTHING won't give your marriage a 2nd chance.
According to your post, your husband has already convinced himself that "there's only a ten percent chance that marriage counselling will work!" This is childish and stupid! WHY? Because the man isn't willing to try! And making a 'judgement call' before you even start something is parallel to the fate of the TITANIC! (I don't have to go through the fate---most of us have seen the MOVIE...and a few have even read books on the subject)!
It's a bold step...but what's wrong with asking your husband: "DO YOU REALLY WANT OUR MARRIAGE TO WORK?" His response(s) may alert you to some 'possibilities' you might have never considered?
I hope you 2 can work through this in counselling...but you have to honestly do it TOGETHER! Good luck!
Pianoguy
Relationship Rescue - Dr. Phil McGraw
Early in the book he devotes a couple of chapters to the concepts of Relationship Myths and Bad Spirits. Please read these ASAP and see if and how they are fitting into your life. The book has a number of quizes and is a challenging read but well worth the effort. There are short excerpts of these chapters on his website in the Relationship Advice section.