please help, so confused
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| Wed, 05-09-2007 - 1:36am |
Hey everyone....I'm new to this but saw most of the postings and it looks like everyone really tries 2 help each other out here so i figured i'd ask for some.
To start: I'm 23, my fiance is 28. Been together for a year and a half, got engaged this past christmas. We live together for a while now also.
I'M SOOO CONFUSED though!!....And I would LOVE some advice from women who have been in the situation or feedback from other women in a similar situation....
Basically, things were amazing for about the first 10 months. We were head over heals, wanted all the same things out of life, the works. I thought i hit jackpot and found the last great guy out there. And i know this is the "honeymoon period" where we're going to be this way, but it was greattt, better than anything i've ever felt for anyone. i knew without a doubt that i wanted to be with him forever.
We started arguing a lot around the 10 month mark, and it hasn't let up since. That was back in january!! I feel like he keeps repeating the same things, though, and after a lot of reading about it, i am pretty positive that he is just cynical and possibly depressed. He always acts like the world is falling down on him, when he's in a bad mood or stressed he always tries to make it worse and sometimes goes off on tangents about how i dont help or i could have done more. this is all common depressive male behavior. He also is very defensive and cannot take it to hear that he may have done something wrong. He has a hard time saying sorry for anything and tries to change the topic to be my fault if i try to talk to him about anything that bothers me. It's not uncommon to a child putting his hands over his ears as not to listen.
As much as i love him and as good as our good times are, his depression and overall cynical outlook on life is dragging me down. I love him so much and want nothing more than to help him, and i feel so alone dealing with this. I do not want to abandon someone who is depressed, because he loves me so much and is great in every other way. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, does so many large and small things for me, is very attentive, and very supportive.
We are in couples therapy but i feel like it is going nowhere, and i've asked him to see a therapist because i think he might have depression, and although he said ok, he hasnt made an appointment and also doesn't think he has depression. i cannot take this for much longer.
is it even worth it? do people change? should i just realize that sometimes no matter how much u love each other, it just isn't working or isnt meant to be?
please help me, i do not want to get married and end up unhappy or divorcing. i'd rather just make a smart decision here.
thank you sooo much....

To be honest, you've done all you can do. You've identified what you believe is a problem and the rest is now up to him. However, if he doesn't believe he's got depression (and I'm not going to try and diagnose him either way) or doesn't care that he's a negative person - then nothing will ever change.
You have to decide whether or not you would be happy with him like he is forever.
One last thing....don't waste time in counselling with someone you've only been with for 10-15 months. Dating is all about finding Mr Perfect - not about struggling with problems. If the relationship isn't good when the honeymoon stage ends, then break up and move on.
Yes, I know I'm ruthless..but being ruthless allowed me to be available with Mr Perfect did come along ;-) That was 15 years ago and he's still my Mr Perfect.
Welcome to the board nycgal22,
It is good you are in couples therapy. I am sorry to hear that you don't think it is working. Could your fiance see the couples therapist for his individual counseling? Maybe he would feel more comfortable talking to someone he is already familar with. You could also try getting some reading material on depression and ask him to read it. That could make him realize that he does need help.
Other than that, you will have to wait for him to decide if he is willing to take the necessary steps towards making himself better.
Don't go through with the marriage unless these issues are resolved.
Good luck to you.
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