Please help, so confused and sad :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Please help, so confused and sad :(
14
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 11:28am

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have a great relationship. I know he loves me to death and I feel the same about him. Well this past weekend he went to a bachelor party, and he texted me and called me well he was there to say he loves me and goodnight, well he comes home and his phone beeps a reminder and I go to clear it and when I press the clear button his dial log comes up and his ex girlfriends number is there. I go and approach him on this and he swears he has no memory of talking to her, he said maybe he tried to call her to mess with her or what not. I'm so upset, I don't know what to belive, I know he doesn't love her or care for her, he broke up with her b/c she was crazy and he had no feeling for her, but I can't get over this.

He's so upset that I'm upset and has apologized countless times and he told me he would never hurt me, and that he really can't remember talking to her. I know he was drunk, but it's upsetting to think that while he was talking to me and telling me how much he loved me he even thought to call her. I trust him and I know he would never cheat on me and I know he has no feeling for her, but the fact that he doesn't remebmer talking to her upsets me b/c what if he did and doesn't remeber what he said.

I've been crying on and off for the last two days, we both didn't sleep last night and I feel sick in the stomach, as does he, he hasn't eaten anything in 24 hrs. I don't know how to get over it, it's the not knowing that is killing me. We've talked about it and he swears he doesn't know why he would call her and he really doesn't remeber calling talking to her, but I'm having a hard time beliving that. He remembers talking to me around the same time. I would actually feel better if he did remember and told me he was playing a joke.

What do I do, how do I get over this? I have insecurity issues really bad and I'm always scared of not being good enough for him and this only makes matters worse. Even though he constatnly tells me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, I can't stop thinking about it and what could of been said. He told me he would do what ever I want to make it better, he said he'll never drink again, he deleted her number (which was only in there b/c she would try to contact him early on in our relationship and he wanted to know it was her if she called)

Now, I know some of you are going to say that he still cares for her, but there is no doubt in my mind that he doesn't, and it wasn't just b/c of what he said, him caring for her is not my concern, it just, why!, Why did he call her, do guys do this when there drunk? Call and play prank on their ex's, he's 27 it's not like where in highschool anymore.

Please help, both guys and girl opinions would be appreciated.

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 5:18pm
Some people write here in order to try to feel better but what they get is advice from different perspectives and people who have had different experiences... Please try not to take it so personally, it's just that some people responding to you have probably had bad experiences with guys doing something similar. We all have unique perspectives and you're allowed to pick and choose which advice you agree with but no one is necessarily "wrong" just for having a different opinion
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 5:58pm
he probably was drunk....i ve have done that....and have since stopped drinking and doing drugs for over a year now...totally committed to my girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2005
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 12:42am

I didn't notice any sarcastic answers and, although I wasn't openly looking for them, I probably would have noticed obvious attacks. Besides, not everyone is diplomatic, so if you read something you don't like, just ignore it. Advice is mostly food for thought anyway. You read people's opinions, make a mental note of them and store the unused advice in the back of your mind for future reference. After all, we don't know the whole story, we can only make guesses based on what you write. Also, you're the only person who knows whats best for you, we're just here to suggest things you may not have thought of.

Personally, the ex calling in itself wouldn't bother me unless it was a regular thing. I call some of my exes on occasion and I don't care who my significant others call, as long as I still feel like I'm a safe first (after family) in their life. The using alcohol as an excuse would bother me, though. Not to the point where I would dump him on the spot, but enough to stay engraved in my memory. I don't like excuses and alcohol is one of the worst.

To get back to you, I noticed that in your first post you wrote: "I've been crying on and off for the last two days, we both didn't sleep last night and I feel sick in the stomach". If something bothers you that much, you can't sweep it under the rug. Your resent isn't going to magically disappear. Since you and your bf have talked about it already and he seems to recognise that he screwed up, the next step would be to brainstorm solutions to keep this from happening again. Then retain acceptable solutions. Note that "quitting drinking" is not an acceptable solution because it's not realistic.

I noticed that you've mentionned a couple of times that your self esteem is low. The great news is that low self esteem can be worked on. It seems like a lot of effort at first, but it's actually enjoyable because as you work to raise your self esteem, you feel happier, life seems easier and you become more successful in everything. You'll also lose much less sleep and spend less time crying when things get rough in your relationships. If you have access to a counsellor, then therapy is the most efficient route, if not, you can still a lot out of the millions of self esteem books on the market. They're fun to read and they make you feel empowered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 8:14am

I think I was so upset b/c my mind was making up stories of what could ob been said. Yesterday he told me everything though, he told me he did not talk to her but he did call her and he texted her "Yo", he said there was no reason behind it he was just drunk and goofing around with his phone, he also told me that she texted him yesterday to see if he remembered calling her or texting her and he didn't respond. He has a tough time talking and saying things right and I knew deep down he was hiding something from me b/c he didn't know how to tell me.
He was scared of upsetting me even more, even though it was something stupid, I feel like we had a break through last night..he told me and we discussed how telling me the truth from the beginning would of been easier. He said he's gonna work on the whole being a better communication, even though I knew he was like this from very early on, I can normally get him to open up if I bring up the topic, but this time he came out and said it b/c he hating seeing me upset. I told him that I don't want him to ever lie to me to which he responded saying that he would never hurt me and he saw how upset I was getting after seeing the number that he froze up and din't know how to say it.
I feel like his whole persona changed when the words came out, he became more relaxed and I think the fact that we just discussed it and I didn't get upset or we didn't yell really helped, we've never been in an argument before and it's nice to know that we discussed things the way we did.

I felt alot better after word b/c I knew that he was telling the truth, I know that some may say it's bad that he lied ,but he's a very quite guy and doesn't really know how to use his words. I know the feeling b/c I was the same way for a very long time, and I'm sure it took everything he had to tell me, even though he had the fear of upsetting me.

I'm sorry for my reaction to some of the responses, I think it was my mind making up stories and hearing others add more possibilities hurt more. I know this is a problem I have with my insecurities and I've been working on it and I told him that I'm working on.
Thanks for all your posts though

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