Please Help! What can we do??
Find a Conversation
Please Help! What can we do??
| Thu, 08-05-2004 - 1:52pm |
I need some advice on how to handle this situation and what we can do to improve it. Sorry if this is long.
My Fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years. When we first met he told me he had a daughter, but hasn't seen her in 3 years. This is why: When his ex got pg, she was only 17/18, he was 20/21. She went kinda pyscho and flipped out about being pg and how she wanted my fiance to have nothing to do with the child. They broke up but he still wanted to be in his childs life. She basically took off while she was pg and made herself very scarce and the only way my fiance knew she was at the hospital having the baby is that one of her friends called him and told him. He got to see his daughter at the hospital and that was the last time he really saw her. After having the baby they went to court and the court decided to have joint custody(every other weekend, stuff like that) she didn't like that, she wanted all his rights taken away. So she appealed it, but it still came back to the same results. So she took off again and no one knew where she went. They tried looking for her, but were unsuccessful. Just recently after 3 years she came about. My fiances parents were the first to take action and were able to speak to her and get to see their grandchild. My fiance's ex started bringing his daughter to his parents so they could spend time with her. She still didn't want my fiance to see her. After a few months his ex decided to let my fiance see her. Right now his ex is engaged to a guy whom she has another younger (14mo.) daughter with. The thing is right now, both my fiance and his ex want to avoid going to court (money, long process,lawyers)But everything is how she wants it to go. He has to call her and set up a time and day to see his daughter and then his ex and her bf have to be there. My fiance's parents though now have one day a week where they get her for a few hours by themselves. His daughter doesn't know who anyone is except by there first name.(doesn't know grandpa/grandma, dad/soon to-be stepmom) And calls his ex's bf daddy. Which really bugs my fiance, but he won't say anything to her about it. I know that he's trying to be nice because he's afraid that she'll take off again or something, but it's getting to be fustrating to me because I have to listen to it every time we see her. I just would like to know what everyone thinks the best way for fiance or his parent to talk to his ex about telling his daughter who her real father is and getting better visitation???? I could really use your advice on what to do, and if I should do anything. I know its not my daughter, but Im still going to be in her life(step-mom)do I have any say in this? I know it kills my fiance that she doesn't know who he is(dad). I hate to see him hurt like this, his daughter means everything to him. Please HELP!!!
My Fiance and I have been together for almost 2 years. When we first met he told me he had a daughter, but hasn't seen her in 3 years. This is why: When his ex got pg, she was only 17/18, he was 20/21. She went kinda pyscho and flipped out about being pg and how she wanted my fiance to have nothing to do with the child. They broke up but he still wanted to be in his childs life. She basically took off while she was pg and made herself very scarce and the only way my fiance knew she was at the hospital having the baby is that one of her friends called him and told him. He got to see his daughter at the hospital and that was the last time he really saw her. After having the baby they went to court and the court decided to have joint custody(every other weekend, stuff like that) she didn't like that, she wanted all his rights taken away. So she appealed it, but it still came back to the same results. So she took off again and no one knew where she went. They tried looking for her, but were unsuccessful. Just recently after 3 years she came about. My fiances parents were the first to take action and were able to speak to her and get to see their grandchild. My fiance's ex started bringing his daughter to his parents so they could spend time with her. She still didn't want my fiance to see her. After a few months his ex decided to let my fiance see her. Right now his ex is engaged to a guy whom she has another younger (14mo.) daughter with. The thing is right now, both my fiance and his ex want to avoid going to court (money, long process,lawyers)But everything is how she wants it to go. He has to call her and set up a time and day to see his daughter and then his ex and her bf have to be there. My fiance's parents though now have one day a week where they get her for a few hours by themselves. His daughter doesn't know who anyone is except by there first name.(doesn't know grandpa/grandma, dad/soon to-be stepmom) And calls his ex's bf daddy. Which really bugs my fiance, but he won't say anything to her about it. I know that he's trying to be nice because he's afraid that she'll take off again or something, but it's getting to be fustrating to me because I have to listen to it every time we see her. I just would like to know what everyone thinks the best way for fiance or his parent to talk to his ex about telling his daughter who her real father is and getting better visitation???? I could really use your advice on what to do, and if I should do anything. I know its not my daughter, but Im still going to be in her life(step-mom)do I have any say in this? I know it kills my fiance that she doesn't know who he is(dad). I hate to see him hurt like this, his daughter means everything to him. Please HELP!!!
By the way, the latest thing that angers everyone in the family is that we want my fiance's daughter to come to her uncle's(fiance's brother) wedding at the end of the month, but when parents asked about it, she replied I don't know. Just the other day she canceled on a visit because she had to take her daughter to get fitted for a dress for her bf's brothers wedding and then told parents that she doesn't want her daughter to go to her "REAL" uncles wedding because she doesn't want her to feel out of place. I don't understand that, she's not even related to anyone at or in the wedding that she's going to but IS related to her uncle and everyone else there. How would she feel out of place when its her real family??

As for your part, if you are going to be with him, you have to let him know you are supportive and yet not 'own' his issues and make them your own.
Telling the daughter, ask a psychologist. She's pretty young and may not understand the difference between dad - real dad vs step-dad, etc.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
I'm a family law paralgeal and I deal with these issues on a daily basis. rather than get into everything on this discussion board, email me and i will tell you what i think is the best approach. I have a few questions regarding the custody papers and the state where you live. I think i can certainly be of help...even to the point of telling you how to handle this yourself, in court, without having to hire a lawyer. People dont realize there are resources out there to help people defend themselves. you just have to know where to look.
my email is DJohnston-Money@comcast.net. Being a divorced mom myself, i have been on both sides of the fence on these issues and can empathize with what you are dealing with and also having step parents involved. my children have a step mom who they call "mom" and my now ex fiance is still called "dad" (because we still live together)