Please help...I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2008
Please help...I need advice
3
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 10:52am

I am looking for some advice. Please help...I am stuck and don't know what to do. We've been married 4 years together 5 years. He went overseas to Iraq the first year of our marriage. He now suffers from PTSD but still carries a full-time job and functions well most of the time. The issue when he drinks he tends to go on a bender for a 1-3 days. Sometimes he misses work. He is not abusive verbally or physically. He treats me really good most of the time and we get along well most of the time. He is the only man I've ever felt I can be my myself around and and he gets me. We laugh at each others jokes, cuddle,share dreams and spend a lot of time together. But the drinking wears on me. I get annoyed because he acts stupid and is not himself. He's had 2 DWI's and I am afraid he'll get another which will be a felony and jail time. He's embarrassed me at family weddings and other events before. And sometimes at family weddings and events he maintains and doesn't drink excessivly. I've asked him to quit drinking and he refuses saying he drank when I married him and he is not going to stop drinking. He is frustrated with me complaining about his drinking. Sometimes I put him down when he's drinking and sometimes in front of other people. I hate that I do that...I just get so frustrated.He is sick of me doing that and is frustrated himself at me. I am completly in love with him and he is with me. Is his drinking a reason I should leave him? Sometimes I think it is and that if I left I could someday meet and marry someone who doesn't drink excessivly. But then what if I regret it because of all the good times? What if he is the only man that will ever get me and love me? Plus I am 29 and I want to have kids.I am afraid that I won't meet anyone I want to have kids with and then if I do it might be too late to have kids. I feel the biological clock ticking away. Do you think I can stay married to man who when he drinks he drinks excessivly? Do you think I should try and deal with it for the good parts of our relationship? What if I leave him because he drinks too much and later regret it because I realize the bad times were really not that bad looking at it with hindsight? Please help...any advice would be very helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 11:58am

Welcome to the board daizyanne,


How often is he drinking?


The thing is that he isn't going to quit drinking until he wants to and he has made it pretty clear that he has no desire to stop drinking. This is something that will likely continue on for the rest of his life and will likely only get worse.


Have you asked him to attend AA meetings? Although, I think his answer would be no. I think it would be good for you to attend some Al-Alon meetings.


For me personally someone who had a drinking problem wouldn't be an acceptable partner. This is because my father was an alcoholic and I know what the lifestyle entails and it isn't something that I could stand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 1:51am

Welcome to the board daizyanne,


Have you considered going to an Al-Anon meeting?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 9:38am

Obviously he needs professional help, not only with his drinking but with his war experiences in Iraq, which he is trying to blot out. Be gentle, but firm with him and tell him you think it's important for him to work through the upset he carries from Iraq and his need for so much drinking. Alcoholism is an illness. He has to face that before he can grow and change. If he is totally unwilling to face and deal with this, then you have to realize that this disease can grow worse. You have to look and see what it would be like to live your entire life with someone who has this problem. I suggest you also speak to a well trained professional in sorting out this situation, which is complex and has many consequences on all sides. No one can tell you what to do. These are very important decisions in your life and you should allow yourself to get some help in working them out.


Best wishes,