Please, I need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Please, I need help
3
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:23pm
I'm new here and I desperately need some advice. I am a mom of 4 kids and have been married for 15 yrs. My first marriage, his second. He was in a relationship before he met me but she broke it off because he was Army and she hated the military life. (She was Army too and couldn't wait to get out) We had heard from her every so often, she got married, adopted a baby, moved to Minnesota etc... Fast forward to last yr. I was checking our cell phone records and saw that he (my not so DH) was making many strange calls. A lot to the "friend" in Minnesota and also to a number in a town not to far away. A week after our 15th anniversary he visited an online porn site. He then tells me he wanted a divorce, that his feelings for me have changed...I haven't been showing him enough "affection". After a few emotional discussions he said that he did think our marriage was worth saving. Now, I bent over backwords for him, always being available for the intimacy he wanted, going out of my way to be attentive, working out and losing weight to make myself more attractive for him...he broke it off with the woman in the town not far away (he swears they were only friends and never slept together) but his relationship with the friend in Minnesota is like sacred to him. She never calls the house,only his cell phone while he is at work. She sent him a CD, around Valentines day although he won't call it a Valentine's gift, he neglected to tell me about it. And just last week she sent him a hundred dollar watch for his birthday.

Now, I won't pretend that I have been perfect. But I have never lied or cheated on him. I firmly believe that I may be suffering from depression and have a doctors appointment this week to discuss it. I think this has contributed to my lack of desire which has so upset my husband. But am I being unreasonable in thinking that this man, who professes to still love me, who has lied, "forgotten" to tell me things, cheated on me, and holds his friends feelings to a higher importance than mine, should be working harder? He has agreed to go into counseling, and I will make an appointment but I asked him hypothetically if the counseler said he had to break it off with his friend in order to save our marriage, would he? and he said absolutely not. His friendship with her is more important to him than our marriage! I think this woman has ulterior motives, he says they are JUST friends. Is he stupidly naive or am I a fool to believe him?

My heart is breaking, my children are suffering, I don't know whether I should just pack up and go back home to my mom and dad or actually try to salvage this relationship. I don't know if I trust him any more and don't know how to make it better. I still love hime so much and I want to believe him...what can I do??
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 4:02pm
How sad that he's hidden this *friendship* from you, lied about it and values her *friendship* more than his marriage to you.

He's having an emotional affair. She's supporting him emotionally. Her constant contact makes being in his marriage bearable. How sad that he doesn't see this. He's cheating his wife out of all the emotional, intimate things he is sharing with his *friend*.

Consider going to the Betrayed Spouse Support board for info as they have all been through it.

Go to your appt. Don't hold back. Be prepared for the worst. Sorry I didn't have more uplifting advice.

Reading material to consider:

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr


Print these for him and let him read them:

Infidelity reaches beyond having sex:

Emotional intimacy, virtual affairs take hold in workplace

By Karen S. Peterson

USA TODAY

Cybersex and so-called virtual affairs on the Internet are all the buzz among professionals who study spouses who stray.

But the truly fertile ground for dangerous emotional attachments outside marriages is much more conventional: the workplace. As more employees labor longer hours together, close friendships increasingly are taken for granted. And as more women move into professions once dominated by men, there are greater temptations for both sexes.

There is a new ''crisis of infidelity'' breeding in the workplace, says Baltimore psychologist and marital researcher Shirley Glass. Often it does not involve sexual thrill seekers, but ''good people,'' peers who are in good marriages.

''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,'' Glass says.

Glass' 25 years of research on ''extramarital attachments'' adds to a growing understanding of just what constitutes infidelity and why it happens.

She believes affairs do not have to include sex. ''In the new infidelity, affairs do not have to be sexual. Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.''

This revised concept of an affair is embraced by increasing numbers of Glass' colleagues. People are ''incredibly devastated by their partner's emotional affair,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has researched infidelity for 20 years. ''They separate over it, divorce over it, this breaking of a trust, a bond.'' The third edition of Vaughan's The Monogamy Myth will be released this month.

A platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work, edges into an emotional affair when three elements are present, Glass says:

* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.''

* Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''

* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.

Glass sums up her research and that of others in Not ''Just Friends'': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (Free Press, $24), now arriving in bookstores.

''This is the essence of the new crisis of infidelity: friendships, work relationships and Internet liaisons have become the latest threat to marriages,'' Glass says.

Affairs that take place in chat rooms on the Internet are classic examples of emotional infidelity.

How many have affairs, either emotional or sexual, is difficult to gauge. After reviewing 25 studies, Glass believes 25% of wives and 44% of husbands have had extramarital intercourse.

About two-thirds of the 350 couples she has treated include one or both partners who have had some type of intense affair, sexual or emotional. The most threatening to marriages combine both, she says. Sixty-two percent of the unfaithful men and 46% of the women met their illicit partner through work.

Researchers identify many factors contributing to infidelity. Proximity at the office is key for Glass. ''My research and the research of others point to opportunity as a primary factor. . . . Attractions are a fact of life when men and women work side by side.''

Many other risk factors may be in play. They include:

* Family patterns. Unfaithful parents tend to produce sons who betray their wives and daughters who either accept affairs as normal or are unfaithful themselves, Glass says.

* Biochemical cravings. Changes in brain chemicals during an affair can create a ''high that becomes almost addictive,'' says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman, author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy.

Bonnie Eaker-Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, says the biological need for connection can result from ''severe stress, loss or separation'' that often can be traced back to childhood.

* Internet temptations. Increasing numbers of cyber-affairs are breaking up stable marriages, says psychologist Kimberly Young, author of Tangled in the Web: Understanding Cybersex From Fantasy to Addiction. She cites the anonymity and convenience of the Internet, as well as the escape it provides from the stresses of everyday life.

* Increasing premarital sex. The more premarital sexual activity, the greater the chance of an extramarital affair, Glass says. ''Because girls are more sexually active at younger ages than they used to be, married women are not nearly as inhibited about crossing the line.''

* Child-centered marriages. Parents with dual careers and limited time ''often collude to give what time they have to the children. Their bond is built on co-parenting, and they don't make time for themselves,'' Glass says. Stereotypically, the husband finds somebody at work to share his adult interests.

Some affairs happen, Glass says, ''because people have certain beliefs they think will protect them. They believe if they love their spouse and have a good marriage, they don't have to worry. They don't exert the caution that might be necessary or create the boundaries to make their marriages safe.''

Basically monogamous partners drawn to interesting colleagues at work find themselves in ''great internal conflict.'' Her best advice: ''The more attractive we find somebody, the more careful we have to be.''

How to keep temptation at arm's length

There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:

* Stay honest with your partner. ''Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. ''Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations.'' That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.

* Monitor your marriage. ''Realize if there is something missing,'' says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. ''Be willing to try to fix it.'' Assess whether needs are being met.

* Stay alert for temptations. ''Be very careful of getting involved in the first place,'' Young says. ''Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.''

* Don't flirt. ''That is how affairs start,'' says Bonnie Eaker Weil, whose Web site, www.makeupdontbreakup .com, features tips for preventing infidelity. ''Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.''

* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. ''Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time,'' psychologist Shirley Glass says.

* Beware of the lure of the Internet. ''Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office,'' Young says. ''There is safety behind the computer screen.''

* Keep old flames from reigniting. ''If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with one,'' Glass says. Invite your partner along.

* Value the intimacy of your marriage. ''Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible,'' Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman says. ''You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.''

* Make sure your social network supports marriage. ''Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around,'' Glass says.


Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”



Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?



Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 4:59pm
It sounds like he is doing you a favor by staying in this marriage. Good luck with counseling. I hope you get the support you need and do right for your children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:57pm
my best advice from experience is "don't make any decisions until you go for counselling." You will be too emotionally wrapped up in this now, and you need a moderator to be able to fully express your emotions, and to be able to see clearly. My husband had formed a friendship with a woman he met occasionally when working out of town. She was a cashier at a convenience store, attractive, 3 kids and an a-hole for a husband. She fed him stories of her living hell, and he felt very sorry for her. He's a kind hearted person, and he sincerely felt for her situation. At the time, he and I were having problems with affection and depression (mine). He didn't tell me about this woman at first since they only spoke for a few minutes every now and then when he went in that store. One day, he mentioned her name in passing, and it caught my attention. I gave him the 3rd degree, complete with tears and outrage. He clammed up as usual. He didn't mention her again until one day he came in the door nearly in tears. This woman and her 3 children had been killed in a suspicious car accident (rammed from behind and into the path of an oncoming tractor trailer) and all had died. He was devastated on her behalf and her children's, and I saw the pain he must be feeling, and I opened up my heart a little and put away my anger and jealousy to listen for awhile. I believe him when he says they did not have an affair. It was simply a friendship between two people who's paths crossed occasionally. I had no real reason to suspect more. And I reserved my harsh judgement of her forming this relationship with my husband at this time so that he could pour his heart out to me. I'm glad I did. Later, in counselling, he told the counsellor that he thought I has cold and unfeeling, lacking affection or any common kindness for people until the day I sat and listened to him pour his heart out about the injustice this woman and her kids had suffered. He had been thinking of leaving me, and for some reason, that day, he felt a renewed sense of friendship and a comforting bond with me that he had not felt before. He felt trusted, understood, and sympathized with. It warmed his heart toward me, and changed his entire attitude. Now, some say i'm crazy to believe the friendship thing. Some agree I did the right thing. I cannot control what may have happened, but I can control my reactions. And by thinking first and then acting, I won his trust and friendship back. If I had flown into another jealous rage, he most likely would have left that day. I don't like the idea of being played for a fool. And I really don't think he cheated. But even if he did, I can't change it. I love him. He's kind and loving to me, generous, handsome, and successful. Another man would be too much of a gamble. I will accept him with all his faults, up until I catch him redhanded accidently. I'm not looking for trouble, but I will deal with if it comes. I don't like the "female friend" concept because women do play men like mine pretty hard. But I want him in my life, I accept that he is friendly and attractive to other women, and I walk forward on trust and faith in who I believe he is inside, until he gives me a concrete reason not to. And by demonstrating that very faith in him, we have grown closer than ever over the years. I occasionally fall into doubting him, but that's my problem. He doesn't do anything different than he always does. I get over it quietly on my own. And he respects that I am dealing with it rather than jumping him over it. Good luck.