Please I need help SOON

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Please I need help SOON
11
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 8:02pm
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 mths now and we've lived together for 4 of them. I met him through a mutual friend and we hit it off instantly. The night I met him I didn't get to see him until a 1 and a 1/2 later b/c I was out of town for knee surgery but he called me everyday and even got disappointed if I didn't call. When I got back in town he came over immediately. We spent a couple of days together before he finally went back home. :) I got a call from him when he got home and said he just had his first fight ever with his father. His father hit him and he didn't want to stay there. He didn't want me to pick him up but I told him I was going to anyways. He stayed at my apartment and I told him he could just live with me. He refused at first cause he said he would just move back up north florida where he could have a place to stay. I told him I didn't want him to go cause I felt such strong feelings for him and I didn't want us to end. He admitted he didn't want to leave me either and he decided to stay. Everything was great, I was so happy and he told me he was so happy with me and he never had any worries when he was with me. We didn't have sex for a while just cause we didn't want to ruin anything. Once we started though we never stopped. Getting to my problem we just recently in September moved in with his best friend and his girlfriend and at first everything was fine but it just started to go downhill. He just stopped being the person I knew. He didn't clean anymore after himself, he didn't cook like he used to always, he just changed. We used to take my puppy to the park every Sunday which was his idea and now when I ask him to go he says he doesnt want to spend his time at a park. When ever we go out at night together he's very attentive to me but it's like when we're at home he shoves me away. He works pretty much every night long hours so I don't know if that's it but I miss the good times we had. I was talking to him the other day about what his best friend was saying about getting a house in June and he said we could live there so I told that to him. He said you and me as we in a playful voice but it was still hurtful. I started arguing with him saying I was just going to live with my mother up north and he finally said I don't care if you go or not this time or not(cause I was going to leave before but he told me I didn't have to go and he wanted me to stay), I dont' care if we stay together or not. So I was hurt and I left. I came back cause I wasnt able to stay at my mothers so when I came back he called me from his sisters house who he was staying the weekend with and said he didn't want to deal with it anymore. He said he didn't want to deal with a relationship anymore and I said with me and he said period. I haven't seen him since cause he's working. I would leave if I could but I have no place to go...I love him so much and I don't know what to do cause I don't want to lose him. I talked to his best friend and he said this is just him...this is what he does not living with someone cause I'm the first but with his last girlfriend his friend said they were off and on off and on. So what am I supposed to do if I can't leave and still have to stay in the same apartment with him. How do I get him back???? Please help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 8:21pm
'He just stopped being the person I knew.'

But the person you knew was the charming guy who was courting you. You moved too far, too fast. Now you are finally getting to know how he is. Moving in together when you don't know each other can only lead to disaster, which you are finding out.

Why did you move in with other people??

Take it as a lesson learned-Move out and in the future, take your time with guys. Slow and steady wins the race.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:33pm
Why I'm so confused is that he tells his best friend (roommate) that he cares about me. But why would he tell me he doesn't want to deal with it anymore if just a week later he was telling me to stay and not leave when I was going to. I would move out but I can't...I have nowhere to go...no family to go to...no friends I can live with and I can't afford to live on my own. We moved in with his best friend cause my old roommate decided to get our apartment evicted so we had nowhere to go. I care so much about him and I really want to know how I can get him back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 6:25am
Ciao Gina said it well. You do not know this man. What you saw was his 'representative' putting on his best behavior, putting his best foot forward to impress you -- that's what the beginning of a relationship is all about - impressing the other person with what a great person you are -- now you are seeing who he REALLY is - doesn't want to go to the dog park, doesn't want to help out - tells you he doesn't care when you are upset -- why is this somebody you want to hang onto?

This is a painful lesson, but one of value, nonetheless - when you move to quickly you don't have the opportunity to learn the things you need to know to determine if this person is a worthy of your love and companionship. This man you are with sounds selfish and immature - don't hang onto him - he is not worth it - cut your losses and move on.

Next time, I would suggest that you date for at least a year before moving in with a guy - that way you will have plenty of opportunity to find out who he really is and you'll avoid difficult situations like this one.

Sorry this is painful for you, but really, you are much better bailing on this situation then trying to make a guy feel something he obviously doesn't feel.

Good luck.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 3:53pm
Well I found a place to go temporarily and I got the rest of my things today. My ex helped me get all my things in the car today and he was telling me how he got insurance for his new car (which we were worried he wasn't going to get for a while) and how much he had to pay. Then he walked me out to my car and had me listen to a CD of his new beats he made (he's a music producer) and asked if I liked them and everything. He then asked if I was ok and I said yea and he asked if I was sick and I said no so he then sayed ok well what's wrong with you. I then told him I was just confused on how he felt. He then told me we were still going to talk, we were still going to hang out and do stuff together. I then said yea but you just want to be friends. I said I want to know if there's going to be a you and me again. He told me not right now, not at this time...he said that he thought he was ready to get back into a relationship but he's not. He was with his ex for 4 yrs. and broke up with her in October of 2003 and we started dating in June of 2004 so not even a year later. He said he has so much on his plate to add a relationship on top of that wouldn't be fair for us. But he said we would still talk. Do you think there is hope for me???
Avatar for ladypleiades
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 4:04pm

It hurts to break up. And it hurts a lot to have someone break up with you. That's human. Let yourself feel the pain. Try to focus on yourself. Become financially more secure if you can, so you can go if you want to! And don't be available for this guy when he wants it. You will grow. It will hurt, but the pain will lessen and you'll grow.

I've been there more than once and I always learned something important about myself. But I had to let myself feel the pain and not do anything to cover it up. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 4:09pm
I'm just dont know if he still wants to be with me or not in the future that's all I want to know. Not saying I would go back with him but I'd just like to know where his heart is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 4:22pm

Hi there,

I want to tell you I really feel for you. I know exactly how you feel because i have been there. I've read all the previous posts and some of the people that post are very right in what they say to you so i wont say anymore of that.
Just please, don't sit there and wait for this guy to come back. He may or he may not.
Just remember that the more you ask and nag the more you push him away...believe me i have learned that the hard way. GO out and do things that will keep your mind of him for now. Nothing you can do will get him back...just let him be. Don't call him, don't visit just stay away. Maybe there's people you can go out with or find a new hobbie that will keep your mind busy. Volunteer somewhere, of enroll in a class that you enjoy.

I hope the best for you...

be well, keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 7:12pm
Does it sound like he even has feelings for me?? What I want to know is if you think it sounds like he wants to be with me but at a different timing cause the timing is not there cause he didn't want to sell our relationship short.
Avatar for ladypleiades
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 9:08am
After my boyfriend broke up with me, I was very sad for a while and I called him and tried to see him. I did this even though I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Even though he was being cruel to me. I was so hurt inside. It was hard to be alone with myself, my constant thoughts about him, my embarrassment that he rejected me. Then I slowly, gradually got back into my life. I got happy and successful and beautiful and sexy again. I was taking care of myself. And, of course, he did want me! But, by that time, I didn't want him!

You have to give yourself time, like a tiny bud. You can't force it to open. You just take care of it tenderly and pretty soon, it opens into a beautiful radiant flower.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 1:23pm
I think keeping in contact with him "as friends" would be a mistake on your part at this point. You do not have "friend" feelings towards him and will only be hoping (maybe falsely) that you are headed for more. You'll end up analyzing everything he says and does (you already are) and you'll be hurt every time. You may find yourself letting things happen, such as sex, and you'll think it means that you're heading back together. He'll be thinking "hey, why should I be in a relationship when I can have her company when I want, tell her to go away when I want, have sex when I want, and see others when I want". You won't be giving him a chance to miss you.

Also, THIS is the real him. He's no longer on his best behavior. You love the guy he was in the beginning. That guy does not exist and he will NEVER be him again. The guy you love is insensitive, ignores you, treats you poorly and hurts your feelings. It seems that the only thing that concerns you is whether or not he cares for you. Do YOU care for HIM? If you do, you don't have very high standards and may want to work on yourself a bit more. I understand that it hurts and that the guy who swept you off your feet made you feel so good, but that guy is gone. You would do well to find someone who doesn't LOVE you instantly. That's a sign of insecurity on his part. He's in LOVE with someone he doesn't even know. Wants to LIVE with a girl he doesn't know. He didn't know your values, morals, even how you conduct yourself on a day to day basis. You didn't know that about him either. How can that be healthy? He picked up after himself. That was probably because he was a guest in your home or at least felt that way. When you moved in with friends, he didn't feel that way anymore and obviously doesn't care if his things are picked up or if he's creating extra work for you.

I suggest cutting off contact for now, let him miss you, and spend time MAKING some new friends. You said you don't have many friends? Keep yourself busy, figure out what it is you like to do and you'll make friends along the way - maybe even a guy who will eventually make you forget about this one! - it WILL happen someday. I know it doesn't seem like it, but this guy does not treat you well.

ANYway - Some suggestions:

go rollerblading, take an art class, book group, hiking club, outdoor club, take up drawing, painting, fishing, basket weaving, get a pet (VERY effective in helping your heart heal) - volunteer - at a homeless shelter, animal shelter, group home, elderly home, hospital...take piano lessons, get a second job (helps in being INDEPENDENT), etc., etc., etc.

Best of luck to you!

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