Please, I really need your help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Please, I really need your help...
6
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 3:25am
Hi all,I really need your help.I just got off the phone with my bf, ending a very frustrating conversation. We've been arguing a lot lately, and I was very concerned so when I called him, I asked him "are we arguing too much?" He responded that do seem to have been arguing lately, and then I asked him if he thinks we should still be together. My relationship with my bf is my first serious one, and he is the first person I have fallen in love with. After I asked him that question, he said that by asking that, it showed him that I doubt him and his feelings for me. That is certainly not the case. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. We talked about it, and he said that he didn't really see a problem between us; we should just work through any problems as we encounter them. I think the opposite. Our small arguments are making me worried about the future of our relationship; whether we'd be able to last. The thing is, I can see myself being married to this guy even though some may say that I haven't loved enough to know. So after a few minutes of heavy silence on the phone, my bf said that we should just hang up, because we wouldn't really accomplish anymore tonight and we should just talk the next day.

So basically, I really need some help on how to deal with this growing problem. What should I do? I am pretty much clueless when it comes to making a relationship work, and I really want my relationship with my bf to work. I NEED for it to work. Please, any advice that you can give me will be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 8:17am
Did you get to the heart of the problem-the arguements? Did you figure out why yo uare arguing more? Is there a theme to the fights?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 2:51pm
siyar maine...(interesting name)

Pianoguy wonders when you use the term "I need to make my relationship work"--if you actually mean this...or are just trying to reassure yourself because this is the 1ST SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP YOU'VE EXPERIENCED?

Take a 30-day break, go out on some "friendship dates" and then see if you honestly miss this man. If he misses you...he won't wait around to call or contact you. It sounds like you need to give your relationship a little space.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 3:22pm
I NEED for it to work.

That's not good. That tells me that you equate having a relationship as validity that you are desirable, wantable, acceptable, which is in turn a reflection of your self-esteem.

Communication issues are usually ones that lead to arguement, not understanding each other.

Reading material to consider:

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 5:05pm
I only said that I need for our relationship to work because I love him and I don't want us to break up because of some small arguments. I don't think that I need a relationship -or a man, for that matter - to know that I am "desirable, wantable, or acceptable". I have never met anyone like my bf and he is the best man that I've ever been with. He even told me that he wants to be the best man I've been with.

To pianoguy, my bf and I live 150 miles apart and only get to see each other every other week, and I don't need a 30 day break to know that he misses me. Most of the time he is the one who calls me to talk; he doesn't need an incentive to call, he calls just because he wants to. It makes sense what you're saying that we need to give our relationship space but I've mentioned that idea to him and he doesn't want to take a break; neither do I.

Thank you for your responses; I appreciate them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:21am
so basically you and your bf need to learn how to communicate your feelings without offending the other. there are so many books out there teaching better communication skills, but some of the common tips include

when asking for favors, use "would you...?"

instead of asking retorical questions, state your feelings

say "when you do... it makes me feel...." instead of blaming "how could you ...???"

and he is right. when the two of you are obviously in bad moods, don't try to continue the conversation in the same attitude. take a break and center yourself, calm down. or if there are many things need to be said, write a note. after you write it down you might feel better, or you can let your partner read it.

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 11:33am
If niether of you want to take time to evaluate the relatioship, you could be headed down a wrong road..

Evaluating your relationship, is not the same as breaking up. Also, this being your first 'real' relationship, you will learn and have to understand, that everything is not always peachy, even in those relationships where you may think there are. There will be ups and downs. And sometimes those downs include petty arguing for a period of time. This should really only become a concern when you see a steady, identifiable pattern in your arguments forming...

hope that helps