Please Please Please help me.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Please Please Please help me.....
4
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:49am
Hi all....I'm so upset....I have tryed and tryed and tryed to get over my X. We have been divorced for less than a year and I can't seem to get past it. He cheated on me. He now lives with the girl. He says he is happier than he was but not the happiest he can be. I know I shouldn't want him back but I really do miss him and I loved him soooo much. I also realize that he is now a different person then he was when I loved him. How can I get past this. I feel like I have tryed everything and I'm so miserable. I cry alot and I just can't stand it. Please Please help me. Does anyone have any advice. Any good books anything at all. I'm willing to try anything to make this pain go away. I really do want to get over him I just don't know what to do to get there. Is there such a thing as never getting over it? I can't stand the way this feels.

Thanks so much ahead of time.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:14am

There are many issues involved here and reasons why you are crying so much. First of all, when a marriage (or deep relationship) ends, there is naturally a time of grieving. It is a big loss and you should realize that it will take awhile to move out of the stages of grieving and mourning. Be gentle with yourself and kind. Don't blame yourself for what happened. I am certain that you are also carrying around feelings of being betrayed and perhaps a sense of not being good enough to keep him happy. All of these feelings combine to cause you to be quite upset. It sounds to me as though it would help a great deal right now to talk to a good therapist or counsellor, to help you sort out what happened, your own self esteem and to move past the sense of loss to a sense of future. I also recommend my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love. This book discusses the very nature of love and relationships and includes a great deal on letting go. It also has wonderful exercises for you to do at home.


Above all realize, that what he did says more about him than about you. He has his own issues to deal with and jumping from one woman to another may make him feel better in the short run, but in the long run everyone must face and live with themselves.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 11:08am
i agree with drshoshanna. i think that you should get yourself involved in some new activities. be proactive and do things that may take your mind off of your pain. join a gym or start jogging. exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make you happier. get a new pet or start a fun class, like pottery or knitting, or even a dance class. this is a perfect time for you to start taking time for you. take long bubble baths or plant a garden (there are several fall and winter blooming flowers), paint or redecorate a room. maybe eventually you can get back in the dating scene, but right now this is YOUR time. trust me, time heals all things. i admit that having a good cry makes you feel better too, but the next time you feel like you're going to get depressed and cry, call a friend and get out, or just do something that makes you happy. i went through a depressed period last spring and i got a dog. just knowing that there is this being at home that thinks i'm the world makes me feel better. when i come home, she's always happy to see me, she always knows when i'm feeling blue and just how to make it better. its little things like that that get you through the hard times. good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:08pm
Thanks so much for getting back with me. I know I'm grieving. I feel like I'm stuck here. I'm also still bargaining. I hate it. I hate that I even want him back. He's a police offcier so I know with the atmosphere he is in that he will probably do this again. He is still with this girl and it's horrible to say but I hope he does it to her. She knew how much I loved my husband and she still kept seeing him. But I also know that it was him too. And if it wasn't her it probably would have been someone else. I just miss him so badly. I have tryed to find a good therapist. They are hard to find. Any suggestions. I sure would appreciate it. I'm going to get the book. Tomorrow, first thing. I think the thing that is so hard is that it seemed like we had a great life. How can someone just stop loving you. I wish I knew the stats on the chances that he would do this again.

Thanks so much!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:11pm
I have joined the gym and I go at least three times a week. I go to school and I work. But I seem to be stuck. I really do hate this. It makes me feel so weak. I just want to move forward but my heart keeps pushing me back. Thanks for getting back to me. All the venting and all the suggestions I can get now help....more than you know. I just want this to go away.........

Thanks