PLEASE READ AND GIVE ADVICE

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
PLEASE READ AND GIVE ADVICE
9
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:07am
I am 22 and have been in a relationship for a year now and we are engaged and live together. All of my friends and family think my guy is great and so do i, but i feel like I'm not happy. I just graduated college in june and am trying to get into law school. Right now I'm not working and he supports me in every way, but I'm confused on whether I'm IN love with him still or not. I know I love him, but I'm not attracted to him and our sex life is terrible because of it. I find myself just giving in at times just to shut him up so that our relationship can be ok until the next time. He's twelve years older than me and he always seems to think that he has more experience than me and knows how to do things better than me and often talks to me like a child. I guess I feel that he is turned me into someone that I never thought i would be--A housewife that has to pick up after him and mother and brother and tend to him. After all, he did push me into quitting my job.

I do love him, but i feel trapped because I'm not working right now and rely on him and his money to get even the daily essentials or to pay my bills and everything else. He doesn't mind ever giving me what I want, but I hate asking. And I feel as if i owe him something for it. He does everything for me, drives me places, goes with me everywhere and although it's nice I feel smothered. As if he wants me to feel dependent on him so that i dont go anywhere. Our relationship really goes sour when we discuss the issues of his mother. He does everything for her to her laundry, dinner, pull the wrapper off her straw for her and so on when she is fully capable of doing it herself. I feel like a prisoner in my own home because she wont compromise her routine to fit me in her life or her routine. Yet when he can't do something for her, I'm the one who has to. He even went as far as to choose her over me on many occasions and wouldnt support a move so that I could go to a law school out of state because it wouldnt be fair to her to move because it would be taking her away from her family. The same family that does not call her on holidays or birthdays or even to check up on her. I feel like telling me that he should marry his mother instead of me.

I guess really if I have these problems, than I shouldn't be with him. However, i have become so dependent on him, that i can't even picture myself without him. No job, no career, no money and no where to go. i need to find someway to let him know this, but he often makes me feel guilty for even thinking this way. He says, "I dont know what I would do without you" or "I do everything for you." I feel that if I would leave, that no one would support my decision because they see the good guy in him and how he portrays himself to others. He is a good guy and would make someone very happy. I'm not though. I feel if i leave that we would never go on with his life and would be alone forever. I care about him and I couldn't live with that burden. Please help me figure this out. Is is too late to have these feelings? Have I already dug myself a hole? Am I being selfish? Can this relationship work past these issues? What's a girl to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 9:58am
Well first stop being so hard on yourself. You seem to be thinking that is is all your fault but you have to remember he is half the problem. It does sound as if he does want you to be totally dependent on him and this not good at all, every woman should have some independence about her if they dont that is taking away from you as a person, it is like your losing your identity in him. I know you like the comfort, the stability but is it really worth your happiness????? I have come to realize that life is way to short to spend it unhappy and second guessing yourself. It sounds like you know you want out you just need the encouragement to get out. i am not saying that you should not be with him at all, but i am saying that you need to discover yourself and what you want out of life before you make a commitment to marry him.I think you owe it to the both of you!! Right now you feel like your in a hole and cant get out dont continue to make it any bigger!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 11:19am
i feel guilty is what I feel because I'm feeling this way and he isn't. I don't know if he has an agenda for what he does, but he does everything I ask of him. Yet when I tell him I want to find a job, he gives me the cold shoulder. He'll encourage me to do things, but all the things that make me more independent as a person, he won't. I feel guilty that I'll break his heart and he'll be this lonely man. (Im not conceited, but he tells me these things.) I even brought this up this with my dad when I went to stay with them for a week. Mind you my dad loves him, even goes on fishing and hunting trips with him. And he can't imagine why I feel this way. He thinks that because he supports me in every possible way that there can't be a problem. He says, "What more can you possibly want?" I know he's great, but I'm not happy. I don't know if its because I'm not happy with where my life is right now and I'm blaming him for it or if I'm holding on this idea that there can be this fairy tale person that comes into my life that can provide all the things he does and who I can be attracted to at the same time. Most people, like my mom think that because he treats me well that I should stick around. What type of hole am I digging. Are you saying that because I'm unhappy now that I wont be happy later?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:34pm
I'm going to be frank with you. I'm a 46 year old married mom of 3. I earned my bachelor's degree at age 22, worked, lived on my own and earned my own way for 3 years then married at age 25. My husband is 4 years older than I. I give you this background so you know where I'm coming from.

You are to be commended for having lofty goals. Unfortunately, you got off track when you moved in with a man who is 12 years older and in a completely different stage of his life. He is at the age where most men are ready to settle down. You are at the age where you are just getting into gear with your career goals. Basically the two of you are out of sync because of the age difference and divergent life plans. I didn't like what I got out of your description of this guy. He wants a Betty Crocker, compliant, stay-at-home wife. He also wants a very YOUNG wife precisely because young women tend to be more compliant. I don't think that this is the role you envision for yourself. You are already unhappy and restless, and you haven't even walked down the aisle yet.

Now, as for your family...your parents' attitude about this situation shocks me. I don't understand it. If my 22 year old daughter (we have a 20 year old who is a Junior in university) moved in with an older man who was obviously trying to undermine her career goals and squash her independence, my husband and I would be doing everything in our power to talk some sense into her. I don't get your parents' attitude that because he is a good "provider" he is a good catch. That is SO 1950's! And its setting you up for a life of frustration and missed opportunities.

Please pack your bags and move out. If you have an engagement ring, return it. You still have a foundation to build for your life and this guy is holding you back. You are far too young to make this kind of commitment. You still have to learn to fly on your own. And don't let his arguments and tears dissuade you. He has HIS interests at heart, NOT YOURS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:18pm
thank you so much for your insights. I needed someone to be frank with me. I know everything you said was true and I really needed to hear it from someone. Thank you. However, its difficult to walk out when I have no foundation set for myself as of yet. Its true that I have a bachelors degree yet I still making preparations to get my ass back into school, law school that is. I am not working and need to let go of some pride and find a job, any job that will help with some of my financial burdens. My parents aren't all that bad. They say those things because I have been in other relationships where emotional and physical abuse has taken place. They saw this man as a great addition in my life. I know if I were to leave, they would support me but they can't understand where I'm coming from. they compare me to my sister who is 25 with three children five and under who stays at home with her kids while her husbands supports her. While I'm not showing any disapproval of that type of lifestyle, it is not mine and I can't quite get myself to accept that. I've worked to hard to get where I am now. I guess I need some advice on how to leave. You said for me to pack my bags and leave. its not that easy. How do i do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:36pm
Can you go live with your parents or another relative for awhile? If not, look for ads for female roomates, or see if there is a local YWCA. The YWCA in our town still has apartments for single women.

As far as the actual leaving, there is no need for a confrontation. Simply tell this man, calmly and without yelling, that you have made a mistake. Tell him that you have done a lot of reflecting and have realized that you still have a lot of maturing to do yet, and that your education has to come before anything else. Wish him well, and don't be manipulated by his attempts to put a guilt trip on you. You have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. You just got things out of order, thats all. You have to lay a foundation for yourself before you even think about a lifetime commitment with ANY man.

If you find it easier, leave when he is out of the house. Write him a long letter explaining your decision and leave it at that.

Continue to pursue law school. This country needs more female legal advocates.

Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 2:06pm
Hey Sammie. I agree with ivdarian. You shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of yourself and making yourself happy. I'm sure that he has a lot of great qualities and that your relationship with him has been better than previous relationships. He sounds very insecure to me, though. He'd rather have you be dependent on him than have you be happy in your own life and be with him by choice. Maybe he feels so bad about himself that if you had independence you would leave him. When you love someone you put aside your own insecurities and support the person you love.

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You have got to be kidding me. You have to live your life for you and find someone who respects you more, isn't so insecure and doesn't have issues with his mother like that. You deserve to have someone who is going to support your choices and add to your life, not control it.

If you are this unhappy now, think about how it will be when you are married and have kids. I know how scary change is, and it won't be easy at first, but it will become easier and later you will thank God that you made the choice to live for yourself.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:55am
Sammie, I've been there! Older man. Total financial support. Afraid to hurt him. The whole thing. I stayed. Now I can't forgive myself for letting all my dreams go. Now I realize that had I gone, within a year he would have found another younger woman to turn into his pet on a leash. Guys like this are kind and giving and very, very smart and always get what they want. Sure it would hurt him if you leave but he would bounce back. The thing is if you don't leave, you will never bounce back. Years will dribble by and eventually the only opinion you'll have will be the one he gives you. If security was your top priority then this man would be the best person you could ever meet. If following your dream is your priority then you will have a very boring and empty life. You asked how to do it. That's the hardest part. You will have to find a job, maybe two. You may have to take one year off from school until you have your own place and are financially stable to go back to school. If you get a good job with a large law firm by starting at the bottom, they may help pay for your schooling under the condition that you work for them upon graduation. Not a bad deal. Once your used to help it's twice as heard to make it alone but it can be done and 5 years later you will hardly remember the first hard year. Do it for your own sanity and future. Your parents will survive. He'll still have his mother and you can be replaced. You only have one life and time is ticking by.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 7:44am

sammie - here is the problem: <<<<They say those things because I have been in other relationships where emotional and physical abuse has taken place>>>>


I will be blunt here - because you sound like a very very smart person who is looking for help.


GET OUT OF THIS RIGHT NOW. yes - you just pack your bags and WALK OUT. law school is the lest of your problems. after you walk out - you find a therapist and work on YOUR ISSUES. you say this is not the first time you are in an abusive relationship. do you WANT to go from one abusive relationship to the next for the REST OF YOUR LIFE?


honey - i am 44, a single mom, with no money. i was married twice in my life - twice to abusive, controlling, sick men. and i walked out of my second marriage with no money, nothing, just with my son and a few belongings because if i hadn't walked out at that moment - i would've lost my son. that's what it took for me. you are still young, you don't have children - you can stop worrying about this controlling abusive man - and take that energy and invest it in YOU. and if this means putting off law school for a semester or a year while you get back on your feet - then that's what you do. and if it means flipping burgers for McBiggestBurger - then you do that. you do what it takes to get YOUR LIFE back on track. don't wait until YOU ARE 44. you are worth it - do this today.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 6:03pm
Thank you so much to all of you who responded to my plea. You all have given me the courage to stand up to him. I realize now that it isn't okay to put my goals on the back burner. Thank you all once again.