Please Read - I need to know
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 09-21-2008 - 5:04pm |
I am 27 and married with three kids. My husband and I have been married for 6-1/2 years now and it has been a rollercoaster ride. I am writing to attempt to understand his recent actions.
He and I both have a myspace account. Friday afternoon, I logged in with his passwords to read his emails. I found an email from him to a girl asking a simple question: "What are you doing honey buns?"
Reading this I just focused on the last two words. And began questioning: what does he have going on with this girl? or what did he have going on. Just as a quick note on the background. My husband met this girl about five years ago at his former employer, but has not seen her or talked to her for about four.
I asked him about it, and he got extremely upset because he felt betrayed I was reading his emails. Another quick note on our history. This is not the first time I find these kinds of emails. The most recent one prior to this one, in a nutshell, told the girl her pics were enticing and looking at them sent all his blood rushing to his penis. And he also said he thought it would be a good idea for him to visit her and he would take pizza and tequila with him.
Due to this and things in the past, I do not feel I can trust him completely, which is why I decided to read his emails. His response to all of this, is that he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong (although he admits that if it was the other way around, he would be extremely furious.) He also says, that is just the way he is and will continue to be. He says he doesn't mean anything wrong with it

"And he also said he thought it would be a good idea for him to visit her and he would take pizza and tequila with him."
In my language that would mean "I want to have an affair with you".
"He also says, that is just the way he is and will continue to be."
Then I'm not sure what choice you have.
In my opinion what your husband has done was not innocent, and you deserve a relationship where you feel secure enough not to have to go through his Email. Unfortunately since he is not willing to change, your options are limited and more difficult. I would seriously recommend you see a counselor (if you can get him to go, that would be great, but I'm doubting his willingness due to his other comments) in order to help you decide how to proceed further. I don't want you to think you should have to put up with his "I want to cheat on my wife" comments.
Because I'm curious though, IS this how he's always been?
Little things like this have been going on since as far back as I can remember. Txt messages, calls, etc..
As far as his attitude towards not wanting to change. He has recognized at times, that he has the most fault.. but it goes back to the same thing.
These emails do indeed sound like red flags.
That saddens me... Obviously I think it's not great that you chose to marry someone who has always given you cause for concern over his phone history. But like the last poster I think "move on" is a bit hasty to tell someone who is married and has children with someone. If there were any sign of abuse I'd tell you to run away ASAP but otherwise it's worth taking a look at and trying to solve.
Even if there are only some times when he realizes he's at fault for being inflexible, that's a start. You can build on something there, if he was absolutely 100% unwilling to look at his behavior then you would be trying to construct a building on thin air. But I do think a counselor will be really helpful to you in deciding how to proceed. Sometimes when one partner sees the other taking steps toward change, they (after an initial period of resistance) will want to make progress too. I really hope this works out!
Thank you everyone for their input. I really appreciate all of your thoughts.
After many hours of discussion throughout the weekend, he has finally agreed to counseling. I called today and left a message to set up an appointment.
Thank you again and will keep up with the posting!! God bless!!
Welcome to the board mom_princessleia,
No you aren't over-reacting.
::(although he admits that if it was the other way around, he would be extremely furious.)
So he has a double standard and doesn't like being caught.