Please send suggestions!!
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| Tue, 05-22-2007 - 10:53pm |
discussion title: Suggestions please!!!
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message #: x.1
from: supercheer88
date: 10:51 pm
Hi there. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We have such an amazing realationship besides one thing, we can't "fight" well. A lot of it is my fault, if there is a fight small or big I blow up. He is more calm and wants to sit and talk and I want to just yell and scream. I hate that I am that way, but I have always fought like that. We had a blow out (I did) and now he is thinking of leaving me, unless I can come up with a suggestion (ex. if your child acts up, take their toy away for a few days). Now thats an exstream example but in the past I have already said I am sorry and promised I would not act like that when we fight, that I would be level headed and talk like adults, as we should. But I haven't gone through with them in the heat of the moment.
I am trying to think of some suggestions that if I act like that again he can use against me. Ex. if you say a curse word, you put a quarter in a jar.
I know this sounds crazy, but I want to save my realtionship and I need to learn to control my anger when we are fighting, and thoughts??? Thanks so much.

Hi supercheer88 - You might want to try counseling or anger management, but here's two articles for your to read.
The Top Ten Tips for Managing Anger, Conflict, and Emotional Tension
by Dr. Clare Albright
Ten practical, concrete things you can do to manage anger, conflict, and emotional tension To be a safe and predictable person for those around you at work and at home, it is essential that you are able to maintain your composure when you feel like your 'buttons' are being pushed. This strength will help you to achieve your goals in business as well as your goals for your personal relationships.
1. Share negative emotions only in person or on the phone. E-mails, answering machine messages, and notes are too impersonal for the delicate nature of negative words. What feels like a bomb on paper may feel like a feather when delivered in person.
2. Pepper your responses with the phrase, "I understand". This phrase will support your goals when the tension is high and you need to find common ground to form compromises or agreements with the other party.
3. Take notice when you feel threatened by what someone is saying to you. Resist the temptation to defend yourself or to "shut down" the other person's communication. It will take this kind of discipline to become an open, trusting communicator.
4. Practice making requests of others when you are angry. It is often much more useful to make a request than to share your anger. For example, if the babysitter is driving you crazy by leaving dirty dishes in the sink, it is better to make a request of them than to let your anger leak out in other ways such as by becoming more distant.
5. Try repeating the exact words that someone is saying to you when they are in a lot of emotional pain or when you disagree with them completely. This mirroring technique can keep both the speaker and the listener 'centered' in a difficult conversation, especially when the attitude of the person doing the mirroring is to gain understanding of a different point of view.
6. Take responsibility for your feelings to avoid blaming others. Notice when 'blame shifting' begins to leak into your speech. "I feel angry when you are twenty minutes late and you don't call me" is much better than, "You make me so mad by being late."
7. Learn to listen to the two sides of the conflict that you are in as if you were the mediator or the counselor. If you can listen and respond in this way you will bring peace and solutions to the conflict more quickly. For example, in response to an employee's raise request, you might say, "On the one hand I understand that you really need the raise, and on the other hand I represent the company, whose funds are very scarce at this time. Is there a way that I can work on your compensation package that does not involve cash?" Here, the mediator's point of view can look for the creative compromise that takes into account the limits and the needs of both parties.
8. Take a playful attitude towards developing the skill of emotional self-control in high conflict situations. You could view maintaining self-control in a tense, angry conversation as an athletic feat. You could also view developing this skill as similar to working out at the gym with weights - the more that you use your self-control muscle the bigger it will grow and the easier it will be to remain calm when tension is great.
9. Wait a few days to cool down emotionally when a situation makes you feel wild with intense feelings, such as rage. As time passes, you will be able to be more objective about the issues and to sort out the truth about the situation more clearly.
10. Make a decision to speak with decorum whenever you are angry or frustrated. If you give yourself permission to blow up, people will not feel safe around you. They will feel that you are not predictable and will carry 'shields' when they are near you. The fear and walls of others will not support your goals for success in relationships or at work.
Could I just say that I don't think 'punishment' is going to work in this situation. That kind of stuff may help with children who's behaviour is not yet set in concrete, but you've got to unlearn a whole lifetime of this behaviour.
I think you need to work with a professional in the field of anger management instead. Not only do you have to learn to stay calm, but you need new strategies to replace the old ones.
Good luck to you.