Please tell me it's not too late

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Please tell me it's not too late
6
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 9:58am

Last weekend after coming back from a camping trip my husband sat down together to talk and he said that he thought it was time for me to leave. It took me a few seconds to figure out what he meant and I just felt like the world was ending. He explained that he thought it was best because all we are anymore is best friends. That there is no romance and more (which there never was coming from him anyway the way I would have always liked.) I was totally shocked. We have been married for 16 years and he has always been on me for more sex. I never got from him that he wanted more romance and emotional feelings and such. I love him so much and always have. Our start all those years ago was a little on the shaky side but we made it work. We have things that we love to do together. Camping, biking, our kids, books, yard work, the house.

A couple weekends ago he was gone all night and didn't get home till the next morning. Come to find out he drove 4 hours each way to see his best friend from high school who is having marriage problems. I'm wondering if that has anything to do with this. And then this morning I found he had typed up a document specifying who would get what if we split up. This includes budgets for both of us depending on who got the kids, child support, the house, furniture, etc. But since last weekend when we had our talk, we have been (I have anyway) trying to get close.

I have been sick lately and I just have such a hard time doing anything. I have no energy, I've been in pain literally, and have felt like dying. Now this. My world is falling apart and I don't know what to do. I feel resentment towards him cause he doesn't understand what I'm going through with my illness. I don't want this marriage to end and told him that and that I love him so much which I do with all my heart. I said we can start over and try again. He thinks it would be forced on my end.

Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:39am

What have you done to address your 'illness'? It's no use pointing to the reasons why you are the way you are - if you want to change; you have to DO something. See a doctor about your illness; it sounds like you are depressed to me - when I was depressed I started exercising like a fiend and I cannot tell you how much it helped me. Your husband is not wrong to want a physically and emotionally close relationship - if you want to start over, you need to work at those things - not just say that you are ill and it is hard for you. Stop being a victim and start being proactive about what you CAN do.

Best of luck.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 3:09pm
I do want to change. I have ulcerative colitis and I'm in a pretty bad flare up right now. It happens. It's not my fault. I went to a new doctor today and unless you have it you can't say it's no excuse to not feel affectionate towards someone or not feel like doing anything. I know he's right to want all those things but I need a little help from him too. Is it wrong to ask for that? I have always been there when he was ill, in the hospital, etc. Maybe I just need to worry about satisfying him and not worry about what I get out of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 7:13pm

Uhhh... no. It's supposed to be a mutual thing. A bonding ritual. Not about pleasing someone just so that they can shut up/promise not to leave/leave you alone.

Have you talked about seeing a marriage counselor? If his announcement came as a complete shock, then I take it neither of you have sought help?

Good luck. And I don't think it's too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 10:51am
Too late for a marriage counselor. It's over over over. We talked last night. Actually he discussed it with me and I bawled and begged not to do it. I realize I royally screwed up my marriage but it's so hard. I love him but I don't know if he ever loved me. How can I live like this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:09am
It is time for you to see a counselor and not take full responsibility for the breakup of the marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 11:07pm
I'm so sorry...