Pls help, so confused about bf's actions

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
Pls help, so confused about bf's actions
4
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 1:40pm
I posted earlier about my bf of two years wanting to take a step back for now... And allow ourselves some personal time etc.

A little background, we're 23, been exclusive and practically living with one another. We've never had much of a "dating" period-- just both kind of jumped into it fully because at that point in time we weren't sure how much time we "had left" since I was graduating in a few months.

But I'm here, my work is in the area, and it's been 2 years.

So this past weekend we get into an argument... basically he feels like he can't do anything without me oking it-- which I think results from us spending too much time together too soon... For the last two years we have been joined at the hip.

Basically he wants time to be on his own, surf the internet all day if he wants, or play video games and football without me getting annoyed.

I'm currently liking the space and freedom I have, not to say that I don't still care about him deeply.

Some notes: He was the one to say that he loves me first and he's the one who always wants me around.

So for the short time we have been taking some personal space, he came over to bring me some dinner since I was busy studying and I could tell that he wanted to come and chill: he had his study material as well and brought over books to read, etc.

Wellll, I didn't think much about it but I reached in to give him a hug, and he kind of pulled away-- not completely, just kind of turned his head to one side...

I don't know why he would do that, as he was fine with putting his own arm around me later on, and he stayed over and was cuddling me the whole time.

Am I just being too sensitive? Or is this a really bad sign? Or has he just not had enough time to figure out what he wants?

When this happened, I was like ok well thanks for coming over and dropping off dinner, I'll pay you back, bye!

And he made this whole show of putting on his coat and taking his books and being like "Ok, fine I'm Leeeaaaaving..." And then he waits and pauses by the door. He's like "Are you going to stop me or not?"

And I was like no, do what you want, I gotta study.

Well, he stayed and now I'm confused about the previous hug-refusal. Because he kissed me and held me later when we were going to sleep.

I'm sooo annoyed now that I am thinking about this and bothered by this, but I am also a bit of a worrywart so pls tell me what you guys think! One of my friends thinks we are being silly and that I should just do what I'm doing and let him figure out if he wants to come around or not.

I love him dearly, but I'm just sick of him "needing" space and then becoming all serious with him again. The same thing happened last fall, and he was the one who told me he wanted to pursue me, etc, he felt I was too clingy and he wanted to be the one to bring me flowers, take me on romantic dates, etc.

My friend also thinks he is afraid of the seriousness of our relationship (he honestly mentioned marriage several times in the last few months) and is pulling back because he is scared about what he has said. He told me he wanted to apply for post-grad jobs near me, stay near me, and even if he moves away he wants to be together.

I'm just so confused. I really want this to work out in the sense that there is no awkwardness-- just fun and happiness.

What do you guys think about the hugging issue? Perhaps two days just isn't enough time for him to know what he wants and for him to really miss me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:07pm
lets just say... been there done that. my bf, same way. talked about marriage, always wanted me over, he would come over just to see me... etc. then suddenly, he wants space. i was very shocked in the beginning, wondering what i did wrong that drove him away. then i started reading "men are from mars, women are from venus"... i realized that men need their space. you just can't be with someone 24/7 and not needing your own space and time to breath, even though you love this person very very much. its not our fault... they just want a piece of their independence where they don't have to worry about anyone else but themselves.

you are doing the right thing. don't hang around him too often... study by yourself, let him leave if he wants to. and you are right, 2 days isn't enough for him to truly realize what it's like without you. give it some more time, which equals space for you too. hopefully he'll have expanded all the spaces he needed in a couple days and realize how much he misses you.

and about the hug... don't think too much on it. it's like your bf doesn't really know what he wants and exactly what is going on with him. he loves you - he knows that, but there are more to what he wants. he just need time. and so do you. maybe a little time off could bring back a fresh start. good luck! i know this is hard, but i've made it through, not once, but one and half technically. you will too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:18pm
Not sure if I posted a message to you earlier----Because I'm having issues right now, I feel like I'm not one to give advice. But I have read a book called "The Rules" (By Ellen Schneider and another woman), which capitalizes on the idea that you displayed the other night by saying "sorry buster, have other plans." You could think it's a waste of time like everyone else, but for a fairly cheap paperback, it might be worth a read. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:20pm

Well, it sounds to me like you both "need" space, but that you and him

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:39pm
why didn't you ask him what he was thinking/feeling in the moment in which it happened?


Carrie