plz help me with my girlfriend.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
plz help me with my girlfriend.....
3
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:21pm
Hello,

I have been in a serious relationship with a girl for almost a year. We met 5 years ago and were just friends. We reconnected last May and have been dating since...

Things were going so great. Then about 2 months ago things started to go downhill. I feel like my girlfriend is not as affectionate as she once was. She use to always leave me notes, emails, and i did and still do the same for her, its just that she has stopped. When i write her poems, or loveletters its like she doesnt even care. Also she never initiates sex or does any foreplay for me where as I always do for her. She is definitely not reciprocating. I have had discussions with her already and she has not changed. I just do not know what to do anymore and have even started to think about ending the relationship. I love this girl with all my heart and can see myself marrying her. But if she is going to be like this, it will not happen. I just do not knwo what to do next. When i did talk to her about ending things, giving each other space, she cries and tells me how much she loves me etc....i tell her that she says it but doesnt show it.

any info/advice/comments would be greatly appreciated....i am starting to get depressed when i think about since i am so in love with her....

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 9:50am
Im sorry that you are feeling unfulfilled with her affection. Is she very withdrawn with talking, any sharing, or do you think she might just have gotten very comfortable with the relationship and because of that feels she doesnt need to show you as much, that you should know that she loves you? That doesnt make it right, because you arent at that level with her, and your needs - you feel - are going unmet.

I think you have the right idea about talking with her, but I wonder how you are going about it. Are you and she sharing? Or are you telling her what you want or you're gone and she is just hearing a threat instead of your wanting to fix the problem? Is this done in regular talking or are you arguing when you say it?

Affection can be gained by little things that we miss through the day, such as when you leave or meet her, kiss her. When you stand beside her, lay a hand on her shoulder, or sitting a hand on her knee or your arm around her. Manners can do it too. Instead of telling what you want on anything, ask for it, even trivial things like the salt shaker. Involve her in any conversation, even if for an "I dont know". In bed, cuddle, and have times when thats all you do.

There might be a thing of "you initiate enough for me so why should I instigate more?" If you are doing all of these things, and she is doing nothing, she might feel fullfilled just by what you start and need no more. Possibly back off a little and see if she begins to do the same thing?

It sounds really, as if she has just grown too comfortable with the relationship, a 'dont fix what aint broke" type of thing.

The next time that you talk, you might begin with "Listen, Im having a problem with something thats going on with us and if we're going to make it work its going to take some help on your part. I love you and I dont want to leave, but Im not happy." Then tell her why. Cite examples, ask what she feels in the relationship and if anything is lacking. Has she noticed it too? Tell her some things that might help you to feel its worth fighting for. Again, tell her several times that leaving is NOT what you want, but you dont see many other ways to fix this other than her making you feel wanted. Because the way things are now just arent enough, and you dont want a future of feeling as if you dont matter.

Hope this can help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:21am
Thanks for your response...

i have tried talking to her about it and everytime i do, she either starts to cry or yells at me and asks me why i am starting an argument. I tell her all the time that i am trying to communicate with her to make things better so we can grow and make it better for our future. I also tell her i do not want to leave her, but i did say that i will since i dont feel wanted. It hurts when u go to bed at night and your lover just rolls away to the end of the bed and says good night.

Well we are going on a lil 1 week vacation to florida this thursday, i willsee how things go there. Last month when we went away she got sick on the second day of the trip and was sick thenext 5 days until we came home, so i am taking her again on vacation...i would like to see how things go...

Thanks again for your response, was very nice...

Thanks,

Ian

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:56am
Youre very welcome. :)

One thing that you might also think on, (just hit me late as it always does, lol)

Dont let yourself be taken advantage of too much. Sometimes the things that we give freely, expecting in return, can be taken advantage of. My husband, when we worked together, we were together ALL the time. He is very affectionate too, and I am just not a very kissy cuddly person at all excluding him. But I got almost smothered because of his actions. It was so sweet, it was so loving, but it was also SO MUCH, lol.

What fixed it was that he backed off just a tad. My immediate thought was "somethings up" and I began to try more, instigated more, because what I had been taking advantage of, to admit it, I began to miss very quickly once it was gone. Its like anything else, when you get a gift, its precious, when you get a ton of gifts, they're ok, and when you're inundated, its something where you just say thanks and keep your arms outstretched for the next one. For those intimate moments to be precious, it takes work on her part too. You cant form intimacy all on your own. You might curb the notes a little, the affection just a little. Make her earn those things with giving in return. Its a partnership, it has to be equal, and she wont be very motivated to change if you just keep going.

A thoughtful man is a very precious thing (I have one, so I know, lol). A man in love is an invaluable thing to have. You want her to appreciate you, and for her to really do that she's going to have to put some effort into it and reap the benefits. Just like with money, if its handed its blown, if its earned, its saved.