Pornography Updates

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Pornography Updates
4
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 2:46pm
I posted last week with concerns about my fiance's like of porn. I had found several magazines and videos/DVDs, but we had never actually discussed the matter in detail. I find porn disgusting and do not want our future marriage to include porn (especially hidden like it currently is).

I recently got the courage to start conversation with him about this matter. I was unsure how he would react, considering it is a very touchy subject. My fiance felt extremely embarrassed about me knowing of his porn. He and I discussed our views on it, and I explained my reasons for not liking it. He assured me that he would quit looking at porn, for it is something that even makes him feel guilty. He confessed that he has had a problem (addiction??) with it for quit some time now, but he will take the necessary steps to stop. I told him that if he finds out that he is having trouble with this issue, to let me konw so we can take further action.

I feel so much better now that we have discussed the matter, although, I worry if he can so easily just quit looking at it? If it is an addiction, what can I do to help with it? Funny thing is, my fiance does not at all fit the stereotype of someone who is addicted to porn! He goes to church and is very conservative on almost all life issues. He was so very honest with me regarding the matter, which I know was not at all easy for him to do. I love this man and so badly want our future to be filled with great happiness.

Any suggestions?

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 3:29pm
I'm glad you got it out in the open and you guys are working together on it. If he sincerely wants to quit, then he can. Being honest with each other and yourselves is the first step. And I think you handled things well, telling him that you are there to support him in this and that if he finds he is having problems quiting that you are there to help him.

I don't know the details of porn addiction - it's obviously a phsycolocial thing rather than a physical one. I imagine it's similar to a gambling addiction in that regard. Since you guys are involved in the church, I would start there to find help. Your priest, minister, etc. can probably point you in the right direction with things to read, maybe support groups, one one one counseling, or whatever is appropriate.

I almost laughed when I read where you wrote that he doesn't fit the stereotype of someone addicted to porn. What flashed through my head was some hairy, sweaty guy with a gut sitting alone in a crappy apartment, drapes closed in the middle of the day, wearing boxers and a wife-beater undershirt, pizza boxes, chinese take out containers, and beer bottles on the coffee table - watching porn on a beat up old TV.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:58pm
That sounds like a good start, but it seems to me that you didn't discuss a very crucial point...and that's that him keeping secrets or lying about porn use, if he is unable to stop using it, is unacceptable to you (which I'm assuming is the case).

Maybe I'm too cynical, but I would assume based on what you wrote that he would just be more careful not to get caught.

Sheri



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 9:28pm
I had an ex that knew from the beginning of our relationship that I didn't like porn b/c a close friend of my got involved in it and it was not a good experience.

Anyway, he spent time at my apartment alone one day and when I got home, looked at the history, guess what I found? Well, I was upset and confronted him. He told me that he would never do it again. I was esp. upset since it was MY computer in MY house.

Well, 3 weeks later - it happened again. This caused a major fight.

Flash forward to my husband. We got married in May. Ever since the beginning of our relationship I told him I disliked porn just like I told my ex b/c of my friend's situation. My husband had agreed. Then one week after we are married, guess what I find on the computer??? Yup. He promised he won't do it again, but after talking to men on other message boards and a couple of female friends - once the guy's porn is discovered, he will just hide it better - they rarely stop. On the message board I visit which is just for men - they say that they see nothing wrong w/ porn and they go to great links to hide it from their women.

I have come to the conclusion that men will do it if they have been doing it. You will find a small small minority of men out there that don't look at porn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:14am
Thank you all for your replies.

My fiance was honest about the porn issue, he even admitted that he has been looking at porn since his college fraternity days (over 8 years ago)! I realize that a lot of men look at porn, but most see no wrong in it. My fiance, on the other hand, says he feels guilty and ashamed by it. He admitted that it has been a struggle for him for many years, and he would like to stop. I believe him because he was very sincere while discussing it. This makes me think that he is dealing with a porn addiction.

Note to Sheri-

I did tell my fiance that I was upset because he had been hiding the porn from me. I explained that it may take me a while to trust in him again. He realizes that and apologized for his actions.