Positive experiences with counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Positive experiences with counseling?
5
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 1:43pm
Hi. My husband and I (5 years, 2 kids) have been on a rocky road for awhile. I believe that we are soulmates, compatible in every way but one, but an issue came between us, and as a result we have gotten into a pattern of fighting and frankly, treating each other with disrespect. If interested in the details, I've posted at length in "Clashing Libidos" and "Taboos".

My problem is, I am distressed that we will never, ever recover that respect for each other. That once you've degraded your relationship to the point of name calling and condescension, you can't go back. Has anyone had positive experiences with counseling that have restored their relationship? We are not opposed to hard work and both want to stay together. I think right now I need to feel a little bit of hope.

Just as an example, he was very angry at his business partner about a month ago and we had lengthy discussions on how he should approach Ted, how Ted would best respond to his issues. He just seemed to be so concerned and careful about preserving their relationship... my eyes welled up. I just quietly mentioned how great it would be if we treated each other so carefully. He also has a manager at work that was new and making a lot of characteristic first-time-manager mistakes. He handled the situation so delicately! He was careful to compliment her successes and critique her in a gentle, positive way. He came home and told me how successful his thoughtful approach was.I long for this!

I am certainly guilty of not handling situations delicately, but of the two of us I think he is more critical of me than I am of him. I have told him countless times that I have the feeling that he just doesn't "like" me. When we are in an argument, he will say things like "do you hear yourself? aren't you embarrassed? don't you feel stupid?" I am a very intelligent person and being treated in such a belittling, condescending way shuts me down completely.

Anyway, we need a MAJOR overhaul in conflict resolution. However, I am having a hard time right now seeing a positive end. It just seems like we are so far beyond handling each other with kid gloves. Can anyone share an experience with counseling that was successful in restoring respect and caring to a relationship? Any insight would be helpfu. My feeling right now that we are too far gone is just making me build walls. Thanks for listening.

In reading this I realize how awful it sounds. I want to state that in general, my husband is very loving and supportive. He helps me tremendously, goes to great lengths to make me happy (watched the kids while I went on a girls-only vacation, always encourages me to get out and do things I enjoy, supports me in every decision I make...). If it were all bad, I'd be outta here. The truth is, he's a wonderful person. We've just got into a pattern of bad behavior and I need to know if we can fix it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 7:15pm
ccrinaz..

You probably won't like Pianoguy's take on this one....but the children are the ones who need the vacation from THE 2 OF YOU! Obviously they're affected by your words and your temperments...unless they happen to be toddlers?

Couldn't the 2 of you escape together for one week or more this Summer? Go to a place that the two of you really really like! Avoid discussions about work...or Ted...or anybody else. Find mutual enjoyable stuff for the two of you to do. There has to be something you both would find FUN? Also add a couple alternatives that are NEW to you both!

Most important...see if the 2 of you can enjoy your alone time TOGETHER!

If you can get through the week, you might be able to come up a plan to enjoy each other's company on a LONG-TERM BASIS?

As for counselling...both husband and wife have to be comfortable working with the person who is doing the counselling. If one of you isn't...this option probably won't work?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 8:48pm
Well, the children do happen to be toddlers. And for the most part, we get along and live without conflict. It's at night after they go to bed that the discussions start. I appreciate your insight, but the stuff we're conflicting on is not something a week at the beach can fix! I'm not sure how the whole vacation tangent started... from me saying he watched the kids while I went on vacation? I went away for 5 days with a bunch of girlfriends. It was the first such vacation I have taken, ever. We may not be the best at communicating with each other, but we are great parents. We have just gotten off track with loving each other and respecting the other's point of view. I think we need to go to a counselor to discuss our issues on neutral ground. I am having a bad, emotional day and was just looking for someone to say "counseling helped me/us". Just a little glimmer of hope when I'm afraid that we are in a down place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:35pm
CCrinaz-

Counseling does help. I speak from experience. If your husband is willing to go with you that is wonderful. If he is not, go anyway. You need to learn a different way to communicate with one another. It is important that you take care of the problems now before your children are damaged by them. From what you say, it sounds like your marriage is worth saving.

Take good care of yourself,

C


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 10:41pm
Go for counseling. Start with a positive attitute and do your research. Find a counselior who is a MFC and has a Master's Degree at a minimum. A vacation may be nice but it isn't going to give you the tools you need to communicate better, to get to the real reason for the fights, to learn how to listen more effectively.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 9:59am
Thanks all. I am headed off Monday and hoping for the best.

C