Possible bad relationship?
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| Thu, 03-20-2008 - 6:37pm |
This is my first time posting here but I'm getting a lot of mixed signals whether the relationship I'm in is one worth staying in. As per MBTI tests, I'm a strong ENTJ personality and my partner is an ISFP, which is one of the worst possible combinations but we've been together for 3 years and care very much about each other...and that's my problem.
Problem: I'm starting to feel that there is no way that our relationship can continue to be healthy in the future. I don't know whether to stay with her and just continue to do everything I can to support her because things will improve for us and someday and I will have cultivated an ideal relationship; or if I'm just wasting my time and need to move on.
Background: To start, this is not to say that we have nothing in common because that's not completely true. When we met, we had nothing in common but gradually she's adopted my way of thinking, my taste in music, culture, political views, etc etc. I personally feel that this happened over a course of time as a way in which to cope with our relationship, or rather, being with me. I know that I had a part in that "Avril Lavigne, huh? Lets put in some DJ Tiesto instead!" or me discussing issues with her for hours on end until she started to see things the way I do. I did this in the past only to try to inform her and to encourage her to start thinking for herself. Anyway, so there is now a set-up where she feels that she has lost her identity in a way, or rather that it's becoming an identity just of something that I want to see or that will make me happy. I know that she appreciates me spending time with her and helping her grow as a person, I just feel like this is all a lost cause because I'm not growing from this experience. My relationship with her lately (although if you ask my friends, they'll say it's always been like this) has been more reminiscent of a mother to teenage-daughter relationship than a partnership. I'm completely financially supporting her and I feel like I AM mothering her; I feel if it weren't for me she would be doing nothing with her life, literally.
Problem (specific): My current stress has been in regards to her finding a job. No one has to tell me that the job market is not good right now but she's not even trying; I catch her more times playing video games or doing anything possible to avoid finding work. I spend most of my free time trying to motivate her or assist her in getting a job (anywhere) but I'm usually met with resistance. Sometimes she'll see where I'm coming from and will be more aggressive but it is usually short lived. I go out of my way to do anything and everything for her but I feel that short of planning out her day to day activities and calling people pretending to BE her, I'm out of options and frankly I don't want to be in a relationship where that's what I have to do. Every now and again I see some progress in her but I feel like I could be doing better and I don't know if I'm just wasting my time.
Up-side: I really do care about her and love her greatly, she's a very sweet girl with a lot to offer when she puts her mind to it. Whenever I get ready to leave the relationship I always go back to the positive and remember everything we've experienced together and how much she really has grown as a person - I'll never find someone like that again - that and I'm way too nice with people and it's hard for me just to up and walk out, I always want to keep giving my partner opportunities and want her to succeed at her goals.
Conclusion: My friends all tell me to leave her because I could do much better. My reason for staying has been because I do still love her, she's not a bad person, she's very sweet and honestly I'd rather have a silly/sweet girl with less ambition than a jaded/cold ambitious person. I'm still very attracted to her but I don't know if that is enough. What really defines a relationship that's not worth keeping? What should I be asking myself to know if I should stay in the relationship or not? I'm just cornfused.
:(
-Catherine

I think you can do better, too. You two sound like opposites, and I don't blame you for feeling too catered-to. In the quest to get her to think independently, she has actually come to depend on your thinking.
I was in a relationship once with a man very much like this girl. The relationship felt boring and insincere though we did care for one another. He avoided conflict at all costs and thus tried to cater himself to me, which was endlessly annoying. Opposites attract because there is a lot of initial chemistry but they rarely stay together when there are not enough true common traits to build on.
It would be a big mistake to let your history with her keep you from walking away. It's in the past. You two seem very mismatched and you deserve to be with someone who matches your ambition and more closely fits the person you're looking for. I think in your heart you know that's not her.
Welcome to the board binarygirl23,
She has lost herself.
Eggbert, I very much appreciate your insight and you're completely right; the more I'm thinking about it, I feel that "at best" I will be with someone who is as-like-me as she can retain.
"It would be a big mistake to let your history with her keep you from walking away. It's in the past. You two seem very mismatched and you deserve to be with someone who matches your ambition and more closely fits the person you're looking for. "
I think that a big hangup in any relationship is that fear of losing history. I feel the same way a lot of time, you know, both of us have worked so hard at this relationship and no one else on earth will have the same experiences that we've shared together. I'm 24 and this is the longest and probably only serious relationship I've ever had but someday I'll be in my 30's and if I don't change something now I'll still be "trying to make this work". I've never had to end a relationship before with someone who I actually DID care about. This would be so much easier if I just didn't care, or if I were upset at her to a point where I would want to leave her. I have to leave the relationship because I'm doing a disservice to the both of us and I think that's what I need to make clear. This is just so hard to do, how do you leave a relationship that you are comfortably content with when you know that it's not going to work. It's like having a brand new Alienware computer with a 486x CPU unit - you see it as this great potential with endless possibilities and it's so attractive but you know after taking off the cover that it's just not going anywhere.
I'm posting this online because while I believe that most of what I feel is usually correct, I like to have some form of validation from people on the outside and I really appreciate the help on these boards.
-Cathy
Haha, I am a network admin so you are speaking my language here, girl.
I want you to know that you will never "lose" history. It stays with you forever, and it's not time wasted if you feel good about it. The only real crime is to continue making history you're not happy with.
You're right it's a lot easier to leave someone you don't care for, and I've known a lot of people who have intentionally caused fights or caused themselves to be angry at the other person to make it easier to break up. Breakups suck no matter how you look at it but the alternative is worse.
I really think you will be able to find someone else whose company you enjoy and who offers you more challenge as an individual.
This must be really hard for you and confusing.
I think just the fact that you really had to analyze the whole thing...right down the the personality tests....and then come in here (which is good for people to learn from) and write all of it down...there is a problem.
The problem I see in your whole post...is you do have feelings for her, and you are a "feeling" person (as I bet you were close in the "T" and the "F" in your ENTJ)....but I think it is the investment and you said it yourself - basically - letting the "daughter" go....
You know you have to do it, the earlier the better for both of you.....you will both find people that are more "right" for you....or you won't, but whatever you do....you shouldn't be this confused....and wouldn't be if it was really "RIGHT" for you.
Good luck, she'll be ok without you....trust me.
Note: I'm deliberately leaving things I wanted to say out of this reply so I don't make this extremely long.
Re: Kalieu
First off, you are right in the respect that I have a lot of responsibility here, being "good enough" is highly subjective but she's told me in the past that she feels like I think she's stupid. In a way, she's rubbed off on me as I now take great emphasis on ensuring that anything I tell her is in a way to acknowledge and respect her opinions and feelings so as not to belittle her and lately (in the past...year or so) things in this respect have gotten much better and that she's starting to think of things more objectively.
Secondly, I also agree regarding most of your second point and this is something that we've talked a lot about in recently: When we met we had nothing in common and for a long time this was "the way it was". Both of us understood this immediately but felt that we could "create new experiences that we could share and grow from" and we did in a lot of ways and this has been. This part has never been the problem; it's more about our motivating influences in which we take on these new experiences. She’s come a long way from voluntarily watching movies like bruce almighty to voluntarily suggesting movies like Iraq for Sale so you know it’s cool and I am happy with it; and I know that she’s 100% sincere in her feelings but the things that actually motivate me and the things that actually motivate her are very different and I feel like as it is right now, the only thing that motivates her is me and I don’t want that to be it. I absolutely don’t mind her looking to me for guidance, information, or support – it’s just the dependence on me for her to do anything, and then for her to feel like she’s cheated out of decision making. That’s where our conflict of motivating factors takes effect.
Re: Misssy
I’m actually a lot more Thinking than Feeling but what that means is that my motivating factors are geared towards analysis and subjectivity in intellectual resources than objective ‘feeling’ (at least is how I see it). I don’t understand how people ‘sense’ things in others as I need substantiation otherwise I see it as mere projection, so it’s hard for me to see through the eyes of an ISFP.
The issue about being ‘most right’ is also hard for me to appreciate. I don’t believe that there is one person out there for you, you’re really just picking people out of a massive crowd, in theory anyone could be ‘more right’, the girl you pass by at the grocery store or the guy who served you drinks at a club, etc etc but there really is no way you’ll ever know. One of the most important little tidbits regarding relationships was that the best relationships never come from people who have the most common ground but rather those people who are going or want to go the same direction in life. So I’m trying to understand where I’m at right now. In a way, we are both going the same direction; a substantial bulk of experience that’s shaped my thinking has happened while with her. When I’m with her most of the time I feel relatively happy although I feel it is somewhat without future for many of the reasons I’ve described, and then I start to re-think the situation.
Last Saturday I told her that I was unhappy with our relationship for many of the reasons described here and that despite everything we’ve been through (which has been a lot, no question) we’re too different and that I didn’t want to be her mother in our relationship. I told her that a lot of my feelings lately have been in regards to her ability to get a job and her total lack of motivation in any respect – that is still my #1 problem, she’s really come around in a lot of respects for me to still recognize the potential problem but not enough to be consumed by it. She relented and we talked but nothing was said to where any conclusion was made. At the end of the night (well, by Sunday night) we were both really happy with our relationship…although today my concerns press on regarding her job-situation.
I really appreciate and respect the comments here. I’m coming from the position of someone who has never had another long term relationship before and I’m really actively trying to figure this out and one way or another make the situation positive for me whether we stay together or leave. I know she will 'survive' without me but I'm more interested right now in how I'll take a break-up move a week or month from now if I were to act on that.