Potential trouble to come?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Potential trouble to come?
10
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:31pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. Lately he has been getting impatient with me for little things, like he will lose something but he makes it my fault, saying I must have moved it or something. Then when he or I find it where it was supposed to be in the first place or maybe with something on top of it so he didn't see it when he originally looked, he never admits that he was wrong. He is always making me feel like things are my fault. Other than that he is loving, but he is also getting lazy around the house and even in the bedroom. I do not nag, I always make sure I look as good as I can for him, but I feel like he's not putting the same effort into the relationship. Another thing is he does not drive due to a past driving problem and won't have his license back for 6 more months, so I do the driving. When I get home after working all day I am tired and don't always feel like jumping right up and running him to the video store or wherever else he feels like going, but he gets mad if we don't go. Last week he used the "I'll walk then" thing on me when it was almost zero degrees and I said "okay but be sure to wear your hat" and he ended up not even going.

I'm starting to feel better when he's not home, more relaxed and less stress. Usually when I try to talk to him about these things he just clams up or gets mad and storms off upstairs.

Do you guys think this can be fixed? We have a lot in common and get along fine other than these times when he's crabby and impatient (and selfish).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:38pm
I don't know how old you two are, but your post sounded like a mother talking about her adolescent child. Your bf is very immature. Can that be "fixed"? Not really. Every person moves at their own pace to maturity and some people never get there. Sounds like the guy doesn't want to take responsibility for himself in any way, so don't expect that to change in the future b/c there's no guarantee that it will. Take it as is or leave it. That's my advice. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:57pm
We are both 25 and I thought he was more mature when we first met. Do you think he's just taking me for granted because I'm good to him all the time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 3:26pm
Being good to your partner is a good thing. It's how mature, healthy adults *should* act in a healthy happy relationship. Sure it's only human to take that for granted once in awhile, but if your partner is immature and selfish, bringing it to their attention that they're taking you for granted isn't going to help you much. Communication is key to a good relationship, but the two people have to be on the same page, seeing eye to eye about what they both want and need from life, from one another, and from the relationship, AND they need to be considerate and understanding of the other person (that's maturity) for communication to get you anywhere. Laying things on the line for him and discussing your issues with his behavior might help -- try it in any case before you throw in the towel. But do it as a discussion, not a confrontation. And don't give ultimatums. They never work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 3:47pm
Thank you for your responses Zurah. I want to talk to him soon but I also want to make sure I have all my thoughts in order before I bring it up so that I don't mess it all up. Do you think if I tell him that it's making me rethink our relationship and I'm not sure we're compatible anymore the way things are it will be seen as an ultimatum? I'm trying to think of a good way to put it so that I don't blurt out that he should change or I'm out of here, but I want to make sure to get my point across also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 4:08pm
From my own experience, if you start to doubt your compatibility with someone, it usually ends up that you aren't compatible. Instead of airing those types of thoughts with him, it might be better to figure that out for yourself first and then just present him with your conclusions. Otherwise, yes, it might be seen as though you're saying "but if you changed, we might be compatible" even if you don't say those words.

I just want to offer you one more thing to think about. Being "nice" and being a giver in a relationship, and being taken for granted occasionally, is not the same as being a doormat and being taken advantage of because you are all give and he is all take. If he's just on a free ride and it's all one-sided, I guess I don't have to tell you that's not a good relationship. There should be give and take coming from both people in a balanced healthy relationship. And if that's not the case, talking about it usually doesn't change things, especially if both people don't agree that change is needed.

Use these as rules of thumb when judging if someone's compatible with you or not: Are you on the same page as far as goals, wants, needs, priorities, boundaries, etc? Are you, as an individual, happy and content most of the time or frustrated, angry and unhappy most of the time? Is your relationship a struggle or pretty easy going most of the time? Would you be happy and content with the person for the rest of your life *as is*?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 3:22pm
What do you think of this? Yesterday was his day off and he called me and asked me to come home for lunch several times but I couldn't get out. He said he couldn't wait to see me. So I go home to spend time with him after work and he fell asleep at 6:30 and slept all night. We spent just about an hour together and during that time he was crabby. After almost begging to see me during lunch, why did he ruin the night by passing out at 6:30? It's not like he had a rough day at worn, he spent all day yesterday playing computer games and looking at porn.

Today he called me at work and he was complaining because he couldn't find something (of his) and again, I could feel that he was blaming me for it. I got so frustrated I told him we need to talk soon, so I guess he's tipped off now. I wasn't going to say anything but it just made me mad to be blamed for not keeping track of his stuff when I worked all day yesterday and he was jacking around all day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 3:37pm
Two big red flags:

1. the fact that 'he gets mad' if you don't drive him immediately to wherever he wants to go, even if it is not urgent and he could easily walk there. This sounds like a first inkling of abusive behavior. Do what i say, or else. You should neven put up with that. Put your foot down, and demand that he behaves like an adult. It's not your fault if he lost his driving license; let him blame his stupidity. But it seems a pattern with him to blame other people for his own stupidity, is it?

2. You feel a lot better when he is not around. When a relationship comes to this, there is not much to be done to salvage it. You do the right thing by wanting to talk to him, but I honestly have a bad feeling about it. Chances are, he'll refuse any serious talk, or he (sounds familiar? will blame it all on you.

As for how to communicate without getting too emotional, try a letter or an e-mail. I used to thing it is ridiculous, but it makes a lot of sense. You are on your own. Can thing and rething stuff, instead of blurting out what cannot be taken back. You can leave the msg and read it the next day, to get some perspective. No one can interrupt you, or provoke you, and make you mad. What is being said is on paper, so no one can claim "Oh, I never said that!". So, why don't you start composing your msg? If you feel you are getting too aggressive, or that it sounds like one big fat whine, this is what the 'backspace' key is for! I did it myself lately, and it seems to work great. My BF and I get the msg through without getting angry or hurting each other.

Good luck goodgurl, and keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 3:39pm
I swear.. are we dating the same man?

MY BF does the same exact stuff... He is a stay at home artist while I go out and work a 9 to 5er everyday.. When I get home, nothing is done, I have to drive everywhere, and pick up after him or else the place would be a wreck.

Through the sales of his work, he does pay a substanial amount toward the house, but I AM NOT THE HOUSEMAID, its not my job to do almost everything and then have to pull teeth to get him to put his boxers in the laundry basket.. and neither are you!

It does sound like he needs a mom rather than a girlfriend.. Don't doubt your worth, girl.. It's easy to do that when he is trying to get you to do what he wants you to do.

Be good to yourself, a man that respects you would never put you in that situation...ever

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 5:23pm
Missyfoosy you should read the last line of your post to goodgurl and say it to yourself! It makes me SO INCREDIBLY SAD when people SETTLE for rotten relationships like the two of you have. If only you could have a taste of a good, happy, healthy relationship....you would never settle for this type of crap again. Not even for one day. The sad thing is, you will never find something better so long as you stick with the crap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 4:34pm
Thanks for your suggestions. This is just a small update. I still haven't talked to him about the situation because he's working too late and I'm asleep when he gets home, then I get up and go to work. I'm taking the good suggestion of writing things out first and have been working on that. Funny how when you do that, problem areas that you forgot about creep up. I don't want to blast him with a ton of complaints but there are actually a lot of things I'm not satisfied with now that I'm thinking it all through instead of just thinking about the incident that ticked me off in the first place.