Pre-Marriage Counseling

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Pre-Marriage Counseling
5
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 11:45am
DF and I are starting pre-marriage counseling within the next couple weeks. We have a very hard time communicating with one another also have very hot tempers. I swear, we are two of the most stubborn people you have ever met and it's destroying us. Do you think couples counseling will help us? I don't know anyone who has gone before getting married and I wonder how effective it is.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:38pm
I did premarital counseling before I got married the 1st time. We fought all the time, we had trouble communicating. Our church offered free counseling and in our church you can't get married until after you have some sessions with the priest.

The counselor was great. We were able to talk at the office and when things got heated, the counselor was able to calm us down and get us to compromise and see where each of us was coming from.

The thing is that after we got married, (we were too young - I was 21, he was 23) problems came back. We ended up not going to counseling again and instead got a divorce after only a year of marriage. We were just tired of the fighting and felt that if we were really meant to be it should not be so hard to just get along.

I got married a 2nd time to a wonderful man. Had no premarital counseling but we get along wonderfully. We don't have huge blowout fights. We just get along really well, our personalities compliment one another. I often wonder why I tried to be with my ex when it was pretty clear, even before the wedding, that we had a hard time getting along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 1:22pm

it DEFINITELY helps.


while you are in counseling, bring up things like money, when you want children and how many, how many accounts you both want and if either of you agree on joint checking/savings etc, bring up what each of you thinks you ought to spend each month on frivulous things like clothes, restuarants, gifts etc,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 6:45pm
I agree with Sara for sure. My best friend has been engaged 2 times and went to pre-marriage counseling with both. The first guy kind of showed his true colors in counseling and they decided not to get married. The second guy also showed his true colors, but they were great ones and they got married 2 years ago. They decided that they would go continue to go to counseling because just because you say "I Do" doesn't mean the counseling needs to stop or that your relationship will be perfect. I wish I would have done it, instead I'm trying to talk my guy into going now, and he's too scared. So congrats on being with a guy who will go. Like Sara said, it's really important to talk about kids, money, living, jobs...just everything before you get married, because there might be some surprises you don't like after you get married.

Good luck! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:09am
Thanks for all of your imput. DF and I have a great relationship but when we argue it's so terrible. Neither of us want to give in. So, I think it's going to be a good outlet for us. He suggested it before I even did which really showed me that it was something that he wanted to do. So, I am grateful that he's so willing to make things better. We can only hope for the best.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:21am

Yes, couple counselling is a wonderful idea, especially before marriage, and of course afterwards as well, if needed. If the two of you have "hot" tempers and don't communicate well, it's extremely important to work out your differences and learn some basic skills in relationships before you tie the knot. This way you will get started on the right foot and have a fine foundation for building a life together.


I also recommend that you read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love. It's full of guidance on relationships and includes wonderful exercises the two of you can do together.


All best wishes,

Mental Health Support and Relationship Advice