Pre-marrige problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Pre-marrige problem
10
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 10:51am

Dear Dr. Shoshanna,

I have been with my finance for a year and a half. When we met we had both JUST come out of turbulent relationships. He had been in a relationship with a woman while living in Spain. According to him, things were good at first, but about a year into it she began to develop a bad anger problem. During this time we were friends, so I knew about the relationship problems and how miserable he was.
About a year after he came home I had broken up with my live-in boyfriend of five years. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I had to because I was having very strong feelings for my finance.

We often stayed at each other's house, and this is where the problem began. I started to notice that at his place he had all this little mementos of the French ex-girlfriend around. This struck me as odd because, all though it was painful, had no problem getting rid of reminders of my ex. He had pictures of them kissing in exotic places in Spain and France, a dried flower... I was not hunting for this stuff either... it was just around. I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable to have all those reminders around and asked him to get rid of them, or hide them, especially the pictures. He said he had.

Last year he said he got an e-mail from her asking if she could have her Green Card sent to his parents place, which is in the same town as us. I put my foot down. " Why do you want to help her!? Didn't she stalk you and walk all over you?" he said he would not help her get her Green Card if I was not comfortable with it. And I thought that was the end of it.
When we decided to move in together we made a " no-exes" rule. Basically meaning that we would hold on to one or two special things, but that we would delete the rest of it so that we could have our own lives in our new place.

With in months of moving in I was using his computer and stumbled across a ton of pictures of his ex and him. Nothing scandalous ... but hurtful. We had it out again, I was angry and hurt and he was sorry... the kind of " don't leave sorry." He said He would get rid of the pictures. He didn't. Four months later I found a whole folder on his desk top. This time I threatened to leave. " Why can't you let go? Why can't you just either get rid of them, or tell me you can't. Or tell me that you still want her!" He cried and I stayed. He got a new computer, but that old lop top still surfaces every now and then.

Last February she contacted him again about her green card. She had been in contact with his mom, who is a total push over. I asked him not to help her and to talk to his mom about not helping her. He said he talk to the ex and his mom. He said the ex was out of the picture. We were engaged by this point.

The summer came and went and nothing really happened with the situation. I made some kind of off handed comment when we were out with old friends, who didn't like the ex, I said " Well, She ( the ex) is out of the picture" He didn't say anything and helped me into the car.

He left his e-mail open on my computer last month. I know I have no right to read someone else's e-mail. But I did, it was from the ex and all it said was.
" J. I will be in New York From this day to this day. Let me know when you get my Green Card. I wish you the best on your up coming wedding. E." I felt sick. Why didn't he tell he was still going through with it. Why didn't he tell me that she even e-mailed her... that is a ground rule of the relationship... don't kept secrets even if it hurts or makes you mad.

He said he didn't know anything about it. He said that his mom must have been in contact with her and that it was creepy that she kept e-mailing him when he tells her not to contact him. He said he was sorry and that he loved me and that he would figure out what was going on, and not write back to her.

Today, he left his e-mail open again, So I went back to the e-mail she had sent last month. This time I made the mistake of scrolling down and I realized that he has known all about the green card, over the summer he wrote to her " I got the address We'll figure it out."
All this time all I have wanted was her out of the picture. That's all. He is so nice and wonderful he does amazing things for me and is so supportive, but he can't do this. I wouldn't care if the house fell apart, I just don't want him to get her her green card. And he has known this for a year now.
I would like to add that I have talked to my twice since we broke up and both times it was nothing but a " hey what are you up to." and one time it was a screaming match.

The point is that I have put down my feeling clearly. 1) tell me when she contacts you. I don't like feeling like things are happening behind my back. 2) Please don't you, or your mom, help her get her green card. If it's true what he says and this girl is stalking him. And she is moving to NYC which is two hours from my town... I think I have cause for my request. 3) Tell me the truth. If I found something out I want the whole story. Not some BS about how you don't know what is going on. 4) If you don't want me to find things out, don't leave you e-mail open on my computer... duh! He wrote in one of the e-mails to her. " I am engaged to be married now, so no more world travel for me." When he knows that that is my biggest dream!! he said it to her, who he lived in Spain and France with and toured Europe with. I am the one who wants to go teach English in Europe with him!

The whole thing has me really concerned about getting married in less than five months. It doesn't help that all this happened on the day we are to meet with the pastor. I know I messed up by getting into his stuff, but sometimes I feel like he wants me to find it. And having her still in the picture makes me feel so insecure. I am not French, I am still an undergrad working minimum wage jobs... the ex is getting her doctorate and has worked at museums all over Europe. I am so busy I have no time to clean or look at all attractive. I feel so hurt. And I know there is something deeper under the surface of all this and I don't know how to get there.
I look forward to my life with my finance. And I don't want it to come in the way of our life together, but I can't stop thinking that he would rather be somewhere else. In one e-mail he wrote how he misses how free everything was in Europe etc. I want to live in Europe, but now he refuses, at least with me.
My question is how do I communicate with him about what I want and need to be secure? How do I not make him feel bad but get my point across? Am I crazy for feeling hurt and confused?

Please Please Please help me!

Johanna




Edited 11/7/2007 11:08 am ET by jodylynn26
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 11:39am
I am sorry you are going through this situation for such a long time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 11:47am

Welcome to the board Johanna,


I have to say that I think you might be a little jealous of the ex. Also if his mother wants to help the ex get her green card, neither you nor your fiance can control that. That is her choice.


It is wrong that your fiance

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 11:54am
But if he doesn't tell me because it will make me mad, why does he do it at all? I mean.. really. I have asked him not do this several times... he knows it will make me upset and I almost always find out... so why do it? I am meeting him at a bookstore for lunch... I figure it might be less loaded if we are at home.
Doyou think he still has feelings for her?
Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 11:57am
I am meeting with him at a bookstore for lunch. I am going to ask him if she got her green card, and use that to open up the conversation. I have to try... I love him. I am afraid to bring it up to the pastor because I don't want him to feel attacked... I just want some resolution. I'll let you know how it goes.
Thanks
Johanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:00pm

Welcome to the board Johanna,


You have a lot going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:01pm

First of all it is "fiancée", a "finance" is something pretty different, but ... Not altogether unrelated :)

Second let me say how sorry I am that you're going through this.

It seems to me as though marrying this man is like trying to shove a round peg into a square hole. Why would you go into a marriage doubting that he's happy with you and that he'd rather be elsewhere?

On the other hand... You are going out of your way to be downright mean. You may have made up this "no exes" rule but you know what, he has a past life without you and once in a while exes surface. I don't think it's unreasonable to send her greencard somewhere.

You are irrational and jealous and honestly, not marriage material - at least at this point in your life. I can't say that his groveling to you is a great sign, either. You may not love this girl but she was a part of his life for some time. You have no right to demand that he delete harmless pictures of her. You're asking him to delete his past, and that's not fair. I can see him agreeing to that to appease you but you are placing unreasonable demands on him that will eventually be met not with his continued groveling, but resent toward your desire to control him.

She wished him well on your upcoming wedding and all you could feel was "sick". It seems you are projecting bad feelings from your past relationships onto this man who is acting like a total pushover to you, and you will get nowhere if you both continue on the way you are. Postpone the wedding, please, and you both could really benefit from couples (and INDIVIDUAL) counseling if you're truly dedicated to making this work. Threatening to leave over some pretty harmless ex-girlfriend contact is not a sign of a mature, rational woman who is ready to be married. Keeping secrets and making up little lies is his way of dealing with your irrational behavior. It's not a great way of dealing with you, but it keeps you around and so it works for him.

You two need to find a much better way of communicating, and come to a better expectation for your relationship. At this point I think a wedding is a very bad idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:17pm

I can't answer why he does this knowing you will find out and be upset. Only he can. I also don't know if he still has feelings for her. From what you have posted he hasn't said anything inappropriate that would indicate he still has feelings for her. Nothing like I love you, I miss you, etc. So I am inclined to say no. But this issue does need resolved.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:17pm

Instead of editing my last post again....


On the self-esteem and jealousy, you are comparing yourself to her - "I'm not French, I am still an undergrad working minimum wage jobs... the ex is getting her doctorate and has worked at museums all over Europe. I am so busy I have no time to clean or look at all attractive."


I hope you seriously find your self-worth.


::I want to live in Europe, but now he refuses, at least with me.

Are you sure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 10:21pm

Jodylynn, I essentially agree with most of the advice given to you so far.


But in my own brief words: The way I see it, you're both doing a large amount of harm to the relationship.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 9:11am

First of all, I suggest that the two of you go to couple therapy and talk this through with a professional. Obviously there are deep patterns here, and also