Pre-wedding Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Pre-wedding Issues
4
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:35pm
I am getting married later this year to my boyfriend of 8 years. We have an on-going issue which has flared up again and I guess because of the pending marriage I am wondering if this is what I want. We both live far from our home town and at least twice a year or more my boyfriend meets up with his brothers and friends from back home for weekends as they are very close and he doesn't get to see them very often. Initially I had a problem - I didn't really understand it as only the guys are allowed to go and I have never really experienced the whole guys night out with past boyfriends or friends. So I figured we are just different and although I still didn't quite get it, I wanted him to be able to spend time with his friends. Over the years though, I discovered that at least a few of the guys cheat on their longterm partners while they are off on these weekends and it made me very uncomfortable about him going. I also was using his computer one day and looking for a photo of us for our wedding website and discovered photos of him and his brother and two girls in a bar - in one his brother is kissing one of the girls, he is with the other girl in other photos but just chatting - nothing incriminating. I know he is a very friendly, chatty guy and likes to talk to pretty girls etc. but I had not believed that he would cheat on me and he of course says the same. A few weeks after we had the issue with the photos he was went on a bachelor weekend with one of his friends who is getting married and because of the photo issue before he went away, I quizzed him about the weekend. He told me some of the other guys had met two girls - there were 6 guys in total, all in longterm relationships and 2 married - and they had all ended up back in a hotel room drinking and two of the guys had gone out (don't know how far this went) with the two girls. He said he had done nothing bad as in cheat on me and I do believe him. However, I am very uncomfortable with him hanging out on these weekends now and am wondering if this is the life I want to lead when I am married. Having to wonder every time he goes away with these guys if he will eventually cheat on me or what they are up to. He says just because other people do stuff doesn't mean he does. He has a live and let live attitude to life in general so he doesn't see the need to judge other people for their actions he says. I really want to believe him but I still don't know if I feel right about the weekends. He says it is not right to deny him seeing his brothers etc. and I feel the same way - I just don't know why we can't all go away together as couples and maybe the guys have a night out on their own or something. I am so confused - I don't know if I am overreacting because of the pending wedding or what? As he was open with me and told me the whole story, he expects that I just get over it right away - he says either I trust him or I don't.

I feel that his first loyalty should be to me and although I don't want to stop him seeing his friends, I don't really understand why he doesn't think our relationship should be the priority.



Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:03pm
So he surrounds himself with family/friends that cheat....so something in him says that type of behavior is ok? I'd be worried too. Suggest pre-marital counseling to address the issue(s).


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:11pm
Thanks for your advice. Do you know where I can go to get pre-marital counselling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:14pm
Most counselors can do this, or through your church, if you belong to one.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:15pm
I wish I could say something reassuring, but you know the old adage, bad companions spoil good morals. It seems to me you fiance' shouldn't want to be spending so much time with people who don't share his values. What do they have in common? I don't buy the sibling thing, not all brothers and sisters see each other. I would probe deeper before you marry this guy.

Would your fiance' be comfortable with your going out with girlfriends, some of whom were married that cheated on their husbands, for a week-end at a time picking-up guys, going back to hotel rooms with them, or where ever? Would you want him to be comfortable with it, or would you want him to feel jealous, maybe even insecure? I wonder how a moral person could even enjoy themselves in such a corrupt atmosphere. A lot of times if you turn situations around, either applying them to yourself or someone else, they become much more clear.

I feel for you, I really do, but if you marry a guy who doesn't share your values you'll start to neglect each other, most likely, feel alienated and probably both will be tempted to cheat, if it's an issue for him. I really hope you think seriously on this because I can tell you that you'll feel very cheated in your life if you marry a guy who doesn't value you like he should. Very best wishes!