Pregnancy fallout

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Pregnancy fallout
17
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 2:36pm

I began having a relationship with the man of my dreams about a year and a half ago. He was married and had separated from his wife about 8 months before. Their relationship intimacy wise had ended 8-10 years before. He told me they were trying to work things out which I thought strange. I asked him how you work things out apart, said if she is the most important thing to him he should go to her and say I love you and I'm willing to do anything to work things out. We broke up for 2 months once when he thought he would try to go back, nothing happened and he was right home to me. We have gotten much closer and are still just as much in love as in the beginning. The only fly in the ointment so to speak is that she has no idea we are dating and they have never divorced. They have 2 teenage daughters who are well aware of how things stand but friends and work associates mostly do not know. As we are both very involved in some high profile community programs, this has caused rumors and speculation to abound about us at times and I have been cast as the marriage wrecker even though things were over long before I arrived on the scene. We took things very, very slowly as we started dating because I wanted to give him time to be really sure about his frame of mind and what he wanted.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 2:50pm

Welcome

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 3:13pm

Separated for two years, not divorced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 3:28pm
Well, honestly at this point I would back off until he files for divorce. He needs to decide who is more important to him and who he wants to be with.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 3:34pm

Welcome to the board nerakydde,


How hard for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 3:47pm

I don't want to sound mean or unsupportive at all, but I have to ask; did he have any choice in what happens? Whether you keep the baby, raise it or put it up for adoption, etc?

Also again... Not to be negative... But you are essentially trying to force your joy on someone else and I'm not sure if you are quite remembering that everyone is entitled to their own feelings, good or bad. It would be great if he could be happy and supportive because a child IS a joy. But to be able to connect with him and understand him during this time, you should also understand that this is a huge, very difficult life-changing event for him that is very unexpected.

I'm not trying to tell you how to feel or what to do, just hoping this perspective helps you to understand him better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 11:25am

'she has no idea we are dating and they have never divorced.'


So he has never disconnected emotionally from her. I doesn't seem likely that he will leave and be your husband and suport you and your child. Be prepareed to be a single mom and collect child support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 1:48pm

***Their relationship intimacy wise had ended 8-10 years before. He told me they were trying to work things out which I thought strange. I asked him how you work things out apart, said if she is the most important thing to him he should go to her and say I love you and I'm willing to do anything to work things out. We broke up for 2 months once when he thought he would try to go back, nothing happened and he was right home to me. ***

You only know what he has told you, you don't know for sure that it is true. I wouldn't believe anything he said, the man is MARRIED, until the divorce is final. He is lying to his wife, his children, and to you. How can you believe anything he says? He has no respect for any of you. A cheater is a liar anyway you cut it.

Do what is best for you, your daughter and your unborn child. I would tell him to take a hike until his divorce is final,(since it hasn't happened in 2 years I don't think it is going to) and make sure you get child support. You deserve someone that respects and loves you and your child, he is not capable of that at this time. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 2:27pm

You're right, a baby is a joy. But not everyone sees things that way. And I agree with those who have said you can't try and push your joy on him.

I think that if he really wanted to leave his wife and be with you, then he would have. He has never had an opportunity to have closure on his marriage and until he does that, then I don't think you two have a chance.

I think you should focus all your energy on your children. They are the one's who will love you unconditionally!

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 2:35pm

I posted the gist of my problem, obviously there are many details left unsaid. While I appreciate your bitterness, condemnation and total lack of consideration for what it actually feels like to be pregnant (scared, sad, emotional, vulnerable and in need of reassurance), I am not looking to give him an ultimatum or end the relationship - I want our child to grow up with both parents. Please let's assume for this discussion sake that he is a good guy. They have been S E P A R A T E D for years. I know his wife. Our kids went to the same school, that's where I met them years ago. I would not have started something with him unless I knew they were not together. They have seen mediators and lawyers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 2:41pm

You and one other person said that and I don't even understand your conclusion that I am pushing my joy on him. Joy wasn't the first emotion I felt. I am just as scared, confused and apprehensive as he is on top of feeling the physical effects of pregnancy. I need his support and for him to step up. I have no choice about walking out on this pregnancy. We have a baby to plan for and that needs to a priority for both of us. He is trying to be there for me, promises to do better and is clearly intending that we end up together. He is struggling on how to tell his ex and children as anyone would. Both of us will feel a lot more joy once our relationship is out in the open, I'm sure joy for the baby will come.

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