Pregnancy fallout
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| Tue, 09-25-2007 - 2:36pm |
I began having a relationship with the man of my dreams about a year and a half ago. He was married and had separated from his wife about 8 months before. Their relationship intimacy wise had ended 8-10 years before. He told me they were trying to work things out which I thought strange. I asked him how you work things out apart, said if she is the most important thing to him he should go to her and say I love you and I'm willing to do anything to work things out. We broke up for 2 months once when he thought he would try to go back, nothing happened and he was right home to me. We have gotten much closer and are still just as much in love as in the beginning. The only fly in the ointment so to speak is that she has no idea we are dating and they have never divorced. They have 2 teenage daughters who are well aware of how things stand but friends and work associates mostly do not know. As we are both very involved in some high profile community programs, this has caused rumors and speculation to abound about us at times and I have been cast as the marriage wrecker even though things were over long before I arrived on the scene. We took things very, very slowly as we started dating because I wanted to give him time to be really sure about his frame of mind and what he wanted.

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I apologize if you think these things are meant to be hurtful or unthoughtful. They were not. They were meant to be truthful. I myself once tried to convince a man that a pregnancy was a joy. I ended up alone and pregnant, scared and not knowing what to do. So yes I know how it feels. I made the choice to leave him and focus on me. Unfortunately the pregnancy didn't make it to term. But I feel that leaving him an doing this for myself and my child was the right thing.
If he really intends on you two being together then there should be no fear in telling people except his children. His wife and other people should not matter if he really loves you.
I get the feeling he is playing you. You may not be willing to see that. And I hope it ends up that I am wrong. But he has had 2 years to leave her. Transition times are necessary yes. But sometimes dragging things out is more hurtful and painful and just leaves children with a false sense of security. He should have left a long time ago. If that's really his intention.
I really do wish you luck and love and the happiness you look for with this man.
I'm sorry if anyone came across as condemning... I know I definitely did not mean it that way but was just trying to give you insight into what HE is feeling. I completely understand that you feel what you are feeling right now, but it does seem like you're upset that he isn't feeling the same joy you are. It helps to realize that he has an added level to this where he has the complication of having a child with someone who is not his wife. While I'm not entirely SYMPATHETIC to him because he should leave his wife if he wants a relationship with another woman, I'm just trying to show you the facets of HIS life that are interfering with HIS ability to feel happy about the situation.
I completely understand your need for support during this time. I know it's hard to really care about what he's feeling with regard to what he is obviously responsible for doing now, but you asked for some insight about him and it will help you to understand where he's coming from in order to communicate better and ultimately get what you want.
You say you have no intention of ending the pregnancy or giving the child up for adoption. That is understandable and commendable. I still wonder however if that was your conclusion from the beginning, or whether this was discussed as a couple where he felt he had some input.
I was in no way attacking you, or your situation.
But IMHO... if he actually wanted to be with you in all aspects he would get out of his marriage. And while in some respects some would say it is not cheating, the man is still married legally, and is lying to his wife and family. And if/when he finally does get divorced, he needs to grieve that relationship before being ready for another relationship especially after 20 years.
**total lack of consideration for what it actually feels like to be pregnant (scared, sad, emotional, vulnerable and in need of reassurance), **
Yes I have been there and it is no picnic. Reassurance is fine and dandy, but on these boards you will not always hear just what you want to hear. It's up to you to disregard them if you so choose.
Maybe not years ago, but at the point I am in my life, I would not get involved with someone that was separated regardless of how long they were separated. And I would do what was best for myself and my child. I wouldn't worry about what other people thought or what the community thought. It's your life and you are the only one in control of it. If you want to wait around for him to make up his mind that is your choice. I do wish you luck.
I agree with you that he is not cheating bc he IS seperated AND that these things take time. BUT. The big BUT here is that you wrote that he has not told his wife in 2 yrs. There is no reason teenage daughters can't adjust in that time, in fact teenager's lives are changing at a rapid rate. He once drew back bc he wasn't sure if he was going to get back together w/his wife. These for most ppl are dealbreakers. Dealbreakers are things we won't live with - even if the person is great and we love them. To be kept as a "secret" gf is a sign of disrespect to most ppl. You may not feel that way - or you may not have seen it that way (which is why ppl are posting it here hoping you'll find it helpful). I have dated a man who was seperated and I can understand why ppl say dating seperated/still married ppl are not good ideas. THEY are the ones who haven't had time to adjust. THEY haven't figured out where they are and what they want. Often its hard to go from having someone in your life 24/7 to not having them at all. So the first person they connect with, they hook up with. I'm not trying to imply your whole r/ship is based on convenience and is a rebound thing...but w/o the break it muddles things.
His reaction to the pregnancy speaks volumes about his commitment to you. (this doesn't mean he doesn't care for you or that he doesn't love you. Care does not equal commitment!) He hasn't any commitment here. It sad but true. Protect yourself and your baby first. Dont' make excuses for him or for his situation. What do you need here? You want to be sure the baby has a father? Than ask him how he sees his role - in or out of a r/ship with you. Check his body language MORE than his words. It may be prudent (and others weren't trying to be hurtful when they pointed this out) to find someone who wants to be with you and be the baby's father :)
Good luck!
Dee
You say
The perspective of the bitter "man walked out and left me stranded" is not really helpful nor anything to do with where we are in our relationship. I'm not saying this is you, a lot of the comments have lent themselves in this direction. I never asked for total agreement (agree on what, I never said this is my detemination and I only want to hear from people who say yes...).
The other interesting thing is how many have commented on his choice. Yes, we did talk about options
Okay, I don't want to enrage you, but I think you absolutely ARE defensive and you are viewing all the actions of your 'love' through rose colored glasses.
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