Pregnant and very confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Pregnant and very confused
10
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:47am
Im 21 and currently 34 weeks pregnant. My ex (the father) and me are no longer together, but I cant get him out of my life, my heart and my head. He broke up with me when I was 6 months pregnant, telling me he is in love with another girl. The girl is someone he met a few months ago, while I was living in another state and he was away at school. We had been together for 3 years, and I cant understand how some random girl can come and change all of what we had, and how he could love her more then me. I was devastated after he told me, and I tried to get advice and comfort for everyone, but no one seemed to want to listen to me or give me support. I feel like I'm forced to go through this on my own, and be pregnant at the same time. Right now I'm currently living with his parents while he's still away at school, because they felt like I didnt need to be alone for the remainder of my pregnancy. While I've been here, they've talked to me about what happened and they claim that he's just young and stupid, and he's not in love with another girl. This is why I'm confused. Why is he and his family playing mind games with me. One minute they say he truly loves me, and he'll come back to me, and then he's telling me he's in love with this other girl. When I talk to his dad, he acted like he was in total shock about everything that happened, but his whole family knows, and I'm sure someone told him, but I told him anyway, and then he was like, "I'll talk some sense into him", but that was 5 days ago, and my ex has called the house everyday since then, and I dont think his dad had said one word to him about it. The other day, my ex called while I was watching t.v. with his mom, and I knew it was him, and she answered said a few words and then walked into her bedroom for a few minutes with the phone and came back out. When I asked her if it was him, she said it wasnt. She then proceeded to erase his number from the caller i.d. and then called him back a few minutes later pretending that was her first time talking to him. And I'm sitting here like whats going on, because while she walked into the bedroom, I walked into the kitchen and saw his number on the caller i.d. on the other phone, before she erased it. It's things like this that have me so confused. What the hell is going on? Why wont they let me just get over him, considering what he told me, and how hard i took it when he told me the first time months ago? They al keep sjoking about us getting married and laughing at this years from now, but I dont think it's funny because I'm still hurt. I'm even questioning why i'm here. I dont understand what's going on, why grown people feel like they have to sneak around, and why they feel need to fill my head up with crap, when the should be encouraging me to move on? Is this some sick and twisted game they all are playing? I'm 8 months pregnant, I dont have time for this. Please help if you can, I know this is long and confusing, but I explained it the best way I can, and you can imagine how I feel. If you need more detail, I can give more, just let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 10:10am
Why aren't you living with your own family?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 11:47am
Well as I said in my post, my family is out of town right now, and I had no transportation, so my ex's family asked me to live with them until mine gets back, just so I can have someone around me while I'm pregnant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 12:35pm

You are going to have to move in with your own family as soon as they get back. Yes, its wise to have others around while you are pregnant but its going to be very difficult to "get over him" while you are there.

Your ex's family is actually being very considerate. They are hiding in the bedroom to talk to their own son & erasing his # bc they are trying to spare your feelings! To be honest, it is really NONE of your business who they are talking to on the phone. You are guest in their home and they don't owe you any explanations. You asked why they don't just "let you get over him". Thats up to you. If you stop asking when/if he's on the phone, if you tell them that at this point you are not going to marry their son, etc - then I think they will get the idea.

Your ex does sound young and stupid. He's probably running away from you bc at 21 he doesn't feel ready for a wife & child. But whatever his reasons, the outcome is clear: he has left you on your own. Anyone who can take the chance of having a child, should be ready to take on the responsibility of the child. Your ex is clearly not a man. And a man is what you need in any r/ship going forward. Remember this WHATEVER happens in the future - if he comes running back, then make him PROVE he has grown up. This is really important bc he has abandoned you and I know it hurts - but if he comes back & leaves you AND your child, its going to hurt doubly more. Be cautious.

At least his parents are taking their responsibility as grandparents seriously. Hopefully they will be active in your child's life. Try to keep a good r/ship with them so that s/he has a much support as you can provide.

Bright blessings,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 2:30pm

Welcome to the board tmmygrl210,


My best advice, stop talking to his parents about him and what's going on in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 2:34pm

Welcome to the board tmmygrl210,


I would suggest that you tell him parents that you would prefer not to talk about him. Tell him it is too stressful and painful for you. That you would be happy to talk to him if he wanted to, but otherwise it is just to hard to hear and talk about him and you would like to stop.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 3:46pm

His parents want to keep you close because they care about you, and they also care about being close to their grandchild. Where are you own parents? Can't you move in with them? This is such a difficult situation. It seems to me that you need some outside counseling to handle all the issues that are going on. Can you get yourself to a professional therapist or well trained counselor and get the clarity and support you need? It's important. Your ex boyfriend has acted in a very unkind, unstable and immature way. He's running away from the responsibility of being a father. If you feel betrayed and abandonned that would be understandable. It seems as if he just couldn't deal with growing up this much so fast.


Right now it's not a good idea for you to wait and hope for him to come back to you. You have to make wise and sensible plans for caring for the baby, creating a good, healthy support system for yourself, and moving forward. I don't know what his parents have in mind, but it is important for you to break away from him, and learn how to stand on your own. Even if he does want to come back later on (although he's shown no signs of it), you have a right to question whether or not you want him.


See if you can get the counseling and on-going support you need. I truly hope you can.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 4:48pm
Nowhere in your original post did you say that your family was out of town or that you had no transportation.
You need to move back now to where your parents/siblings/grandparents, etc. live. I don't care if you have to take a Greyhound bus to do it. Your current situation is toxic. I also advise you to carefully consider the gift of adoption. Your ex is not a MAN. He is a male with a complete lack of character who will not be a support system for you or your child. I'm so sorry that it took a pregnancy for his true colors to come out. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 5:07pm

Well thank you for your reply, but I think you have me misunderstood. i only asked was it my ex that called that one time because that day was his birthday and I told them that if he called to tell him I said happy birthday. I wasn't just being nosy. He calls the house all the time and it's not like I ask his family everyday who they talk to. And he's not 21 he's 23, not that that's a big difference, just had to correct you on that. I know he's young and stupid, and I don't know what going to happen in the future, I just want to know what's going on now because they seem like they are plotting something. Anyways I was just curious about what was going on

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-07-2007 - 6:41pm
Dr Shoshanna is right, your life right now has no room for drama surrounding a bad relationship and the man who got you pregnant. Your priorities need to be caring for yourself and your baby. Relationship stress is NOT something you need right now... Don't invite this stuff into your life. You need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible - get yourself into an environment where you are happy and you have support. You are not the first single mother to pine over what could have been with the father of her child, it will take a lot of strength but the less you focus on him, the better you will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 08-08-2007 - 7:22am

That was my very first thought and question when I read this very VERY confusing post..