pregnant with a married man

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
pregnant with a married man
5
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 4:19am
This I can say is the craziest relationship someone can be in, and I'm in it! I'm pregnant with a married man...we have been together for 10 months and are completely in love. The thing is I recently lost my job and I moved out of state for the sake of myself and the baby. Now I have found myself in a long distance relationship with a married man and pregnant. I love him so much and he loves me too, I have hopes that this will work out but I question myself a lot. We are now both miserable because we can't be with each other. We've been getting into arguements because of the strain of me being gone. Due to my financial needs I can't visit him right now and either can he. I'm going to have the baby and just hope after he is born I can go back. In the mean time I'm afraid I will lose the relationship because I'm not there. Should I still have hopes? I don't know what is to become of this, I'm unhappy because I'm not with him even though this is best for the baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:00am
You aren't going to like what I have to say. You have behaved foolishly and now an innocent child is going to pay the price.

This man is not going to leave his wife for you. You now have to turn your attention to the best interests of this child. He/she deserves an intact, 2-parent, mom and dad family. Start making adoption arrangements. Then get into therapy to find out why you behave this way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:28am

I disagree. This child also didnt ask to be thrown up for adoption because its mother chose a married man to have he/she by. As much as this child deserves a good life, that isnt necisaarily outlined by having an "intact 2 parent family." Those standards are false and never written into stone. The maint hing is that YOU are there to care and love this child, no matter what. No one can garuntee this man will come running to you, I actually doubt he will....but its too late to go back now, huh?


What about this man's family?His wife... does he have children??? can you imagine how your solid act of selfishness will change his life forever?Has he thought about?Obviously not.


**marsexpert**
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 8:54am
Let's take a realistic look at this child's life if she chooses to keep it.

First, study after study has shown that children do better emotionally, academically, socially, etc., etc. when they are reared in a "traditional" family. Its not even debatable anymore. The social chaos we have been witnessing in this country over the past 30 years is in large part due to the disintegration of mom-dad families.

So, baby grows up without dad. Dad is reluctant or outright refuses to parent child because he already has another family. Mother grows outraged and furious and the legal system is brought in to "force" responsibility. All the while this kid is feeling rejected by his father and and used as an emotional ping-pong ball by the mother who still has feelings for the bio-dad. The psychological pathologies take root and grow in this child.

Maybe mom finds a new boyfriend/husband down the road. Child once again feels displaced and unwanted by new male (which, in fact is often the case). Teenage years role around. Now the fun REALLY starts. Teenager refuses to be directed or controlled by step-dad (or step-boyfriend)..."YOU AREN'T MY DAD! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Which is actually a truthful statement. Let your imagination go from there.

I know, I know. It doesn't always turn out this way. But this is such a common scenario that many in the child psychology field believe that adoption is actually a gift to a child in these circumstances. As much as we want to believe it, love is NOT enough to successfully raise a child in this society.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:50am
If he truely loves you then you won't lose the relationship just because you aren't there. But why hasn't he left his wife if he loves you and why did he decide to cheat anyways? Are you the first person that he has cheated with, and what is to stop him from cheating on you(although he is because he is married).

Also for that fact of giving the baby up for adoption just because you may not be with the father makes no sense to me. My parents got divorced when I was five years old and I have turned out fine. I graduated from high school-went to college and graduated in four years with no student loans and a 3.9 grade point average. Not to mention that I totaled supported myself the whole time with no financial support from either parent. And I am very proud of myself and my accomplishments ....so I disagree that a child must be raised by both parents or given up for adoption. I also know many kids that were raised by both parents and given everything that they ever needed and they are totally messed up.

Good luck and just keep the best interests of you child at heart and I think you will be fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 12:31pm
The other man's wife is going to be very angry when you serve this man you had sex with the child support papers and the demand to get a paternity test. It will ruin thier family but he probably won't even leave her then.

Just raise the kid as a single mother or adopt it to a nice good intact family that will care for it.

Or, hand the baby over to the man that helped make it! Let him and his wife raise it! It is his baby after all!

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 3:20pm
This certainly is a mess, isn't it? I wont lecture about the morality here, because the mistake has already been made and there is a child on the way. What you need to do is figure out how best to proceed so that your child is well taken care of.

As others have mentioned, you have the choice to keep the child and raise it yourself, keep the child and raise it jointly with its father and possibly step-mother, give the child up for adoption, or give it up to its father and step-mother. There are pros and cons to each situation.

1. Raising the child yourself - with or without child support from the father. This will be tough. Do you have family who can support you in this? Maybe parents you can move in with to help raise this child and provide a stable environment and help you afford parenthood? At least people around to be emotional support for you and your child?

2. Raising the child jointly with its father and possibly step-mother - in this case, the child would know its father, siblings if there are any, and father's family as well as your family. If the father remains married to his wife, then she will have a hand in raising your child. She may accept your child or she may not. Your child could grow up an outcast in its father's house. If the father does not remain married to his wife, then he may persue a relationship with you, in which case the child would have both its parents around, possibly without the father's ex wife in the picture - unless they have kids together, then no matter what, she will always be in the picture.

3. Give the child up for adoption - emotionally painful, but at least the child wouldn't be caught in this messy situation. Seems to be the most stable option since your life and the child's father's life are in such upheaval at the moment.

4. Give the child to its father to raise, possibly with it's step-mother - this would also be emotionally painful and may or may not be an option, depending on how things play out in that marriage and the wife's reaction to this child. She may be able to work through the anger and betrayal or she may not be able to.

It doesn't seem that the child's father is going to divorce his wife, although she may divorce him if she learns of this child. In that case, he may want to persue a relationship with you, or he may not. There are a lot of variables here. Whatever happens, it seems that emotional turmoil is unavoidable.

You have some hard decisions to make. I hope you can see your way clear to make the decision that will be best for your child.