Pregnant & Relationship Needs Major HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Pregnant & Relationship Needs Major HELP
6
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 10:33pm
Please, please help me everyone. This is my situation. It's long..but you have to know the whole story.

I'm 21 and in college. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months. I recently found out that I am pregnant. I am about 3 months right now. When my boyfriend and I discovered this we decided we would work through it together. Also, the day before I found out...I was laid off from my job. Everyone..family, friends, etc. is very supportive of us right now. I have found a new job and I am working extra hard to get my debts paid (car payment, etc..) so when the baby comes I will have as much money as possible. I decided to move back in with my parents because I was laid off and to save money that would have gone to rent. I'm sure you are wondering the same thing everyone is asking...Are you getting married? Well when we had been together for 6 months he gave me a promise ring. We have talked about marriage previously and knew it would come one day. Here is my problem:

I am working so hard to prepare for the baby (due in February). My boyfriend has a minimum wage job with sporadic hour. I am urging him to atleat try to find something more steady to insure a better income. He agrees he needs to find something different also, but doesn't make any effort to find a new job. He didn't offer to help me pay any rent when I got laid off, so I live 30 minutes away now with my parents. He says that he "isn't ready" to get married any time soon. This really angers me because I am going thru this pregnancy alone. It is horrible and I have lost 20 lbs due to vomiting. And I'm sure stress isn't helping this. He says that "he is going" to help with the baby. Of course, I am mad because I am "not ready" to have a child, but I am going to do everything possible to be a great mother. So because he "isn't ready" to get married I am going to be raising a child alone. He disagrees and says we will have joint custody (true, but why are we already discussing custody issues when we are together????). Does he not understand that I will be the one to have the child all night long when it is crying, before it sleeps soundly all night. He won't help me buy maternity clothing becuase he thinks that if he is spending money on new clothes, then he should be getting them....is it me or is that a little selfish. It is both of our fault...I can't help it that it's not his tummy that will be getting larger. I drive a sports car and I mentioned the fact that I should trade my car for a four door car (for obvious reasons). Well, the smart guy (who drives a 4 car already) said...just trade me cars. Um, Hello? So he can have the sports car? Does that make senseto anyone because it sure doesn't to me. I love my boyfriend dearly...and I know he loves me. Right now we are fighting constantly because I am trying to get him to understand he HAS TO GROW UP and take some responsibility. Even if we dont get married. We are a couple. All he is concerned with right now is trying to spend lost time with his "buddies" and making it clear to me that he isn't ready to get married.

Please help me....I don't even know where to begin with the questions. If you have any advice on how I should deal with this please help. I am SO lonely and I have no one besides my parents to confide in right now. I don't want to force him to be the guy I want...but I don't want to wait around on him so long I get bitter. What do I do? How can I cope with giving him this space he needs at such a critical time?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:45pm
I am sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, he wasn't ready to get married before and still isn't. You can't force him. You may be able to force him to take financial responsibility though.

'I am "not ready" to have a child,'

Have you thought about adoption?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:16pm
I have thought about adoption. However, I guess what I should have said is that I am not ready..but I am willing to be ready. I have plenty of family support and want to raise the child. I just don't know if I should wait around on my boyfriend. I am not going to force him to get married. I don't even bring it up with him. I just focus on the relationship right now as it is. I don't want to push him away. He just seems to be wanting to do his own thing and live his own life....but thinks I should wait around on him. I feel like he is so secure that I will not leave him (since I'm pregnant) that he thinks he can push me away..and when he's ready to settle I will still be there for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:17pm
It is sad but there is no way you can force a man to want to become a father.

Did you two plan the baby out together?

Did he know you were not on birth control when you got pregnant?

Did you warn him about "no BC", so that "he could use a condom" if he did not want a child?

Did you give him the chance to say, "Please get an abortion, honey" ?

Sounds like aside from his sperm, he has had NO choice in the matter of creating or deciding anything about this precious child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:54pm
Man this is tough.

I think you need to proceed like the big decisions are yours, because in this case - they are.

Lean on your family as much as possible.

In a matter of fact way I'd let your boyfriend know that you're proceeding without his input, unless he states clearly that he wants to lend emotional support. Also be clear that no matter what he decides, he will be providing financial support when the child arrives. If he balks at that indicate firmly that you will pursue the matter and you won't give up.

Then, move forward with or without him.

I'm not really religious, but I'm praying for you. All the best.

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 7:19pm
Well, in answer to your questions. He knew I wasn't on birth control. We did use condoms...but, obviously...that isn't 100% protection. And, abortion is totally not an option I would consider. So, he says he understands that he is going to be a father. He acts so happy about the baby...but it's like he's fighting the family guy and the free to do what he wants guy. He wants to go the Dr. Apptmts and one second he loves me dearly... but then he can just be so distant from me. Like who am I to ever think he'd be ready to get married. A big issue is money right now...maybe he is unsure he can support me. I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:56am
Honey i total know what u are going through. U see when i got preg. w/ my 7 year old now. my husband and i weren't married and i was just going through a divorce. my marriage of 1 year didn't matter b/c my ex beat me. Anyway it was me husband now that wanted our daughter i wasn't sure b/c we weren't really anything at the time. after the divorce it changed a bit. u see my husband is a acholic. i would work all day and so did he but he never i mean never went to any appt. w/me at the time my grandfather would go everywhere anytime for appt. b/c this was his 5th great grandchild and the others he never saw so he was there for me and so where my parents i was 25 scared as u are but we fought about it alot b/c he would always go out w/or w/o me and i would be left alone. anyway after she was born he would still go out and drink and i was left alone w/ our daughter it scared me. after she turned one i decided to leave and was gone for almost a year then we got back together and got married b/c he didn't like not having her here. now we have been married 5 years this year and things still aren't any better. the only difference is now i have his two wonderful boys that live w/us and i love them to death but i can't let our daughter grow up is this house. So if you can lean on your family even his do so. just don't get yourself worked up so nothing happens to your baby.

you r in my thoughts and prayers. take care of the two of you.