Pregnant & Relationship Needs Major HELP
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| Tue, 08-03-2004 - 10:33pm |
I'm 21 and in college. My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months. I recently found out that I am pregnant. I am about 3 months right now. When my boyfriend and I discovered this we decided we would work through it together. Also, the day before I found out...I was laid off from my job. Everyone..family, friends, etc. is very supportive of us right now. I have found a new job and I am working extra hard to get my debts paid (car payment, etc..) so when the baby comes I will have as much money as possible. I decided to move back in with my parents because I was laid off and to save money that would have gone to rent. I'm sure you are wondering the same thing everyone is asking...Are you getting married? Well when we had been together for 6 months he gave me a promise ring. We have talked about marriage previously and knew it would come one day. Here is my problem:
I am working so hard to prepare for the baby (due in February). My boyfriend has a minimum wage job with sporadic hour. I am urging him to atleat try to find something more steady to insure a better income. He agrees he needs to find something different also, but doesn't make any effort to find a new job. He didn't offer to help me pay any rent when I got laid off, so I live 30 minutes away now with my parents. He says that he "isn't ready" to get married any time soon. This really angers me because I am going thru this pregnancy alone. It is horrible and I have lost 20 lbs due to vomiting. And I'm sure stress isn't helping this. He says that "he is going" to help with the baby. Of course, I am mad because I am "not ready" to have a child, but I am going to do everything possible to be a great mother. So because he "isn't ready" to get married I am going to be raising a child alone. He disagrees and says we will have joint custody (true, but why are we already discussing custody issues when we are together????). Does he not understand that I will be the one to have the child all night long when it is crying, before it sleeps soundly all night. He won't help me buy maternity clothing becuase he thinks that if he is spending money on new clothes, then he should be getting them....is it me or is that a little selfish. It is both of our fault...I can't help it that it's not his tummy that will be getting larger. I drive a sports car and I mentioned the fact that I should trade my car for a four door car (for obvious reasons). Well, the smart guy (who drives a 4 car already) said...just trade me cars. Um, Hello? So he can have the sports car? Does that make senseto anyone because it sure doesn't to me. I love my boyfriend dearly...and I know he loves me. Right now we are fighting constantly because I am trying to get him to understand he HAS TO GROW UP and take some responsibility. Even if we dont get married. We are a couple. All he is concerned with right now is trying to spend lost time with his "buddies" and making it clear to me that he isn't ready to get married.
Please help me....I don't even know where to begin with the questions. If you have any advice on how I should deal with this please help. I am SO lonely and I have no one besides my parents to confide in right now. I don't want to force him to be the guy I want...but I don't want to wait around on him so long I get bitter. What do I do? How can I cope with giving him this space he needs at such a critical time?!

'I am "not ready" to have a child,'
Have you thought about adoption?
Did you two plan the baby out together?
Did he know you were not on birth control when you got pregnant?
Did you warn him about "no BC", so that "he could use a condom" if he did not want a child?
Did you give him the chance to say, "Please get an abortion, honey" ?
Sounds like aside from his sperm, he has had NO choice in the matter of creating or deciding anything about this precious child.
I think you need to proceed like the big decisions are yours, because in this case - they are.
Lean on your family as much as possible.
In a matter of fact way I'd let your boyfriend know that you're proceeding without his input, unless he states clearly that he wants to lend emotional support. Also be clear that no matter what he decides, he will be providing financial support when the child arrives. If he balks at that indicate firmly that you will pursue the matter and you won't give up.
Then, move forward with or without him.
I'm not really religious, but I'm praying for you. All the best.
MB
you r in my thoughts and prayers. take care of the two of you.