priorities - his vs. mine vs. ours

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
priorities - his vs. mine vs. ours
3
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:21pm
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, and we've lived together almost 1. In the last 6+ months, he's gone through some serious career/future evaluation, and desparately wants to live out of the country for a couple years before settling down. I'm along for the ride - I could go or stay, I'm in a completely different place in my life & career satisfaction. In the last few months, there have been numerous incidents where a company abroad has expressed interest in him, but not necessarily enough to fly him out there to meet them. These are wonderful opportunities, and I'm always quick to be his cheerleader. However, he gets extremely excited about it and goes out of his way to try to travel to these places. I think it's great he's getting so much positive attention, but he ALWAYS expects me to drop things I already have planned and take endless days off from my job to join him. When I say anything about timing, money, etc., he lashes out, saying I'm not supportive, that he's the only one who wants this, that I'm selfish and everything is about me, and that I'm too pragmatic. I have 5 weddings to attend this summer & fall, 2 of which are actually on his side, have already booked flights and hotels for all of them, and obviously am somewhat short on cash and vacation time through the end of the year. Am I really being selfish because I don't want to change all the plans I've had for weeks/months, because I can't just drop things on a dime like that? I've tried offering other times, travel partners, etc. but somehow I'm always the bad guy. I realize that it's important for me to go and see these place if there's a potential we'd live there, but this just isn't the best time. Someone please tell me how to reason with him, or tell me I'm wrong and I should shut up and go with him all the time. I would love to live somewhere interesting, and I've supported that dream of his for a long time, but how much of a sacrifice am I supposed to make to my own life??
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:17pm
No, you are not selfish. It sounds like your life with him is 'all about him' - what he wants, when he wants it, with no regard for your time, schedule, budget, plans, etc. Sounds like the pot calling the kettle black - he's the one that is selfish.

How to resolve it...hmm, print a calendar will all your scheduled events for the year and tell him, 'these are the things I can't change, please schedule things around these events.'

If he's not open to it or still throws a tantrum, seek a 3rd party to mediate.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:45pm
I've printed the calendar, kept a running dialog any time I've added anything, but he feels this opportunity could be for our future, but he thinks that it's not my priority, so I don't place it high on my list. We've fought quite a bit about this for some months now, I'm pretty frustrated with him getting mad every time a new opportunity comes up, and he claims I'm throwing water on the fire because he thinks I'm not excited about it. It's not that at all, it's just that I've got a lot going on already and I just can't juggle anything else for now. Maybe I'm just going off on a rant here, but I have found no solution for this. A third party, such as a councelor, is probably out - he's done couple's counceling with a previous girlfriend, and it actually made it worse, so he's not open to that. But it's like he's throwing a tantrum each time. Am I in a relationship with a child? Has anyone else had this problem and found a creative solution?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 6:31pm
He needs a woman who is completely selfless and thinks only of his happiness. Where he is going to get this type of a woman would probably be in one of those countries where the wife belongs to the husband.

Do you truly love him to the point where you will think only of his happiness? It wouldn't be fair to you. If you would want to do that, in time, you would resent him.

So stick to your guns and tell him you cannot pick up and go with him just anytime he wants.

If he asked you if you would be available to go with him, that would be very decent of him, for he is thinking of you and your desires, but he doesn't, and perhaps you should move on.

Why waste more time on someone who doesn't take your plans in consideration?