Privacy issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Privacy issues
12
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 2:26pm
How much is none of my business? My beau and I are going to move in together next month. We are really in love and have a great relationship. My problem is the issue of privacy and minding my own business. I am not a gossip and I hate being in someone else’s business, but when it comes to him I want to know everything and he isn’t the same.

For example today in the mail he received a letter that said "personal and confidential", when I asked him what it was about his response was "its nothing ... don’t worry" and he refused to tell me anything else. He knows that stuff like that really bothers me, and I know that he hates that fact that I always want to know. So my question is how much is really none of my business. I think at times he knows that I am going to ask and he likes keeping me on edge.

I am not sure what the best response is should I just leave it alone and not play his game or.... I have no idea.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 2:29pm
When he says "it's nothing don't worry about it" - make a joke - so it's junk mail? Or maybe a paternity test request?

Kidding aside - Dr Laura's book 10 Things Couple's do to mess up their relationship has a chapter on Privacy vs Secrecy - you might try reading it together BEFORE you move in together.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 2:37pm
Thanks...I will look that book up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:36pm
If my husband wouldn't tell me about a piece of mail like that then I would be suspicious. If he was playing games because he knew I was curious and he did this often, I would be angry. It is only natural to wonder what 'personal and confidential' is about and how it impacts you.

How often does he do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 4:02pm

See, I don't see this the same way, he doesn't need her asking him what something is everytime she runs into something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 4:18pm
We just got into a huge argument about it, he says that the letter is about something before me. I just feel that he needs to know everything about me but he can pick and choose what he wants to tell me.

He probably keeps a lot from me but I dont know about it. The only reason I knew about this is because we work togther and the letter came through my office

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 4:38pm
Something before you? So another woman? Or a lawsuit? Paternity maybe? LOL

If it affects your life and your life with him then, personally, I'm of the opinion that you need to know.

I don't recommend you keeping secrets, though it would give him a taste of his own medicine.

Before you move in with him, consider couple's counseling..... it can help you work through these kinds of issues.


Edited 2/17/2004 4:39:58 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 4:43pm
I would agree with you if it wasnt that he was asking me the same questions. He wants to know everything, if i dont tell him about an email or a phone call that I received the moment that it came up and he heard about it a month later... he would be really upset.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:00pm

I really agree with Dr. Phil that "those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:11pm
If he's playing mind games "to keep you on edge," that isn't what a "great relationship" is made of IMO. When 2 people join their lives by living together they need to be open and honest in order for trust to be there and the relationship to grow strong. That doesn't mean there's no privacy. It means that there are no secrets -- 2 very different things. I agree that people who have nothing to hide don't hide much at all. If he's keeping you at arm's length to tick you off, then he's just mean at heart. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 6:22am
If he knows that you like to know these things, ie. have natural curiosity - then why withhold? Sounds like a power struggle, and I'd be very cautious about moving in with somebody who's going to want to know everything about you, but will withhold whatever he wants to, when and if he feels like it.

I agree with Sheri - if he's got nothing to hide, why the secrecy?

Peace - Pebbles

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