problem (obviously)
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| Thu, 08-23-2007 - 11:10pm |
Unfortunately this is not a quick question, but my marriage of two years is at stake.
One afternoon in high school, about 7 years ago, my boyfriend at the time and one of his female friends and I had a threesome. It was mostly out of curiosity and because I thought lots of couples did that sort of stuff.
Flash to now, I am married to a wonderful man and we have two beautiful children. We have a great marriage and I was honest about my past experiences when we first started dating but whenever there is a problem (ie: he looks at porn when he told me he wouldn’t, etc.) my high school threesome seems to be the root of everything. He believes that I “gave that boyfriend everything,” but that I won’t give him a similar experience too. I can completely understand how he must feel, almost like that ex boyfriend of mine has something over him or that I made sacrifices for the ex but not for him.
As for my side: on one hand, I/we do not want to have a threesome of our own because this is a marriage and I/we are concerned about the consequences of technically committing adultery. (For myself, I have an understanding of what it does to a relationship and how it might make me feel, again.) Furthermore, whom would we recruit for such a position? On the other hand, by not having a threesome with my husband I feel as if I am being held hostage because he uses it as a reason for treating me disrespectfully and as the reason that promises were broken. Moreover, if we do it than it seems that I will suffer the consequences of having being “forced” into the act by my own husband, but if we don’t, our marriage will continue as is.
I know that we both want what is best for our relationship. (Besides, we are also stuck between a rock and a hard place because there is no one, except you, to ask about such a concern. It’s not like we’re going to go to our pastor or something!) I also want to clarify the complexity of the issue: it is not as if he just wants to do it because it’s some super awesome fantasy - it’s deeper than that. Also, it��s not like I don’t want to do it because I feel insecure about how he feels about me.
Therefore, I/we do not see a solution anywhere - I guess that’s where you come in! Please help us solve this exacerbating issue of my haunting past.

To be honest, I'd engage him in a little bit of analysis here.
Have you asked him "why do you want me to do something that makes me feel bad?"
Welcome to the board nervous2007,
I'll try not to be too blunt, but when I'm running on oh so not enough sleep - ok, anyway:
Your husband needs to GROW UP.