problem (obviously)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
problem (obviously)
2
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 11:10pm

Unfortunately this is not a quick question, but my marriage of two years is at stake.

One afternoon in high school, about 7 years ago, my boyfriend at the time and one of his female friends and I had a threesome. It was mostly out of curiosity and because I thought lots of couples did that sort of stuff.

Flash to now, I am married to a wonderful man and we have two beautiful children. We have a great marriage and I was honest about my past experiences when we first started dating but whenever there is a problem (ie: he looks at porn when he told me he wouldn’t, etc.) my high school threesome seems to be the root of everything. He believes that I “gave that boyfriend everything,” but that I won’t give him a similar experience too. I can completely understand how he must feel, almost like that ex boyfriend of mine has something over him or that I made sacrifices for the ex but not for him.

As for my side: on one hand, I/we do not want to have a threesome of our own because this is a marriage and I/we are concerned about the consequences of technically committing adultery. (For myself, I have an understanding of what it does to a relationship and how it might make me feel, again.) Furthermore, whom would we recruit for such a position? On the other hand, by not having a threesome with my husband I feel as if I am being held hostage because he uses it as a reason for treating me disrespectfully and as the reason that promises were broken. Moreover, if we do it than it seems that I will suffer the consequences of having being “forced” into the act by my own husband, but if we don’t, our marriage will continue as is.

I know that we both want what is best for our relationship. (Besides, we are also stuck between a rock and a hard place because there is no one, except you, to ask about such a concern. It’s not like we’re going to go to our pastor or something!) I also want to clarify the complexity of the issue: it is not as if he just wants to do it because it’s some super awesome fantasy - it’s deeper than that. Also, it��s not like I don’t want to do it because I feel insecure about how he feels about me.

Therefore, I/we do not see a solution anywhere - I guess that’s where you come in! Please help us solve this exacerbating issue of my haunting past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 12:30am

To be honest, I'd engage him in a little bit of analysis here.

Have you asked him "why do you want me to do something that makes me feel bad?"

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 12:51am

Welcome to the board nervous2007,


I'll try not to be too blunt, but when I'm running on oh so not enough sleep - ok, anyway:


Your husband needs to GROW UP.