Problem with strippers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Problem with strippers?
23
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 1:33pm
I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. The first year was on and off, and now we have lived together for going on two years this August. Definite ups and downs, mostly ups. Great pretty much the whole time.

Recently - the past 4-6 months or so - he has started going out to the strip clubs every time his brother comes to town to visit, which is about twice a month. (His brother is newly-wed with two children. Go figure.) Sometimes it's both Friday and Saturday nights they go out, and it's always all night - they'll leave at 1am and come home around 6am. If they leave later, they come home later. I feel bad and cry every time it goes on. I don't understand it. We are/were very close until this started happening. And I've asked him if there's a problem - if I'm not satisfying him enough, etc. I know myself this is absolutley untrue (although I still had to ask, as a way of letting him know it bothered me) because we are together sexually every single night. No joke. Once in a while we'll be together 5 or 6 times in a week versus every night. So it's not that. And he said he is very happy sexually. And on top of that, I'm 5"8, 125lbs and very athletic - those trashy sluts at the club are gross compared to me . . . .yet he goes and the next day he's still got glitter all over his face when he gets out of bed. I hate to even think about it. And when I try to explain how it hurts me and that I can't understand the whole concept, he'll say , "oh, that old fu**in' story" or "baby, just be quiet. you're the one I want to be with". And then he says I'm insecure about the situation, which he feels is even more stupid on my part. Now let's see, I look great, act great, have fabulous sex, etc. yet you're going to go out and pay for gross women to do whatever - in front of 200 other people. Makes sense to me. Ha!

He also does this type of bullsh*t in front of me. We were at the lake this past weekend and the big thing was for the females to show their breasts and get beads. He didn't hesitate to initiate this whole concept, right in front of my eyes. He actually had a girl swim over to him, get out, show him within two feet of face, and gave her like 10 strings of beads. She wasn't even all that, either. Right in front of me!!!!!!!!!

If he only knew how my image, perception, thoughts,and feelings have changed about him. Am I being totally stupid and irrational about this? Do ALL men do this or does my man seem to have a problem? That's kind of the conclusion I've come to.

I know it's definitley not me. I'm about ready to make my own moves in this area - do some stuff on my own to make me feel better. Anybody have any ideas, suggestions???? The last straw for me is to tell him that there is a time and place for everything and that it's a disrespectful crock of sh*t that he would do that in front of me. The strip club thing - still no idea on that one. Quit trying to understand and do something on my own to make me feel better. Yeah - and then feel horrible for months after????!!!!? Help!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:04pm
I understand. I HATE when my husband goes to strip clubs. It's really weird with me...I don't care AT ALL about porn, be it on the net, movies, magazines, whatever. But strip clubs irritate the h*ll out of me. I don't know what advice to give you on that. When I told my husband how much it bothered me, he quit going. He said it wasn't that important to him, but it was to me, so he stopped. It probably helps, though, that I honestly don't care if he looks at porn. So he's still getting some sort of erotic, "naughty" satisfaction.

As far as doing that crap in front of you, that is TOTALLY disrespectful. I'd tell him if he does it again, he needs to hit the bricks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:19pm
Tell him it'll cost him more than beads to see you, walk out the door and don't look back. I don't mean to sound harsh, but his behavior is unacceptable to you and his verbal abuse should never be excused. Apparently nothing you say phases him, you are dissatisfied (rightly so), and there isn't much else I think you can do. I wouldn't get into a tit-for-tat (no pun intended) you-do-this-so-I'm-gonna-do-that type of range war.

Yea, tell him your price is greater than beads and you want more than waking up to his glitter face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:42pm
What state do you live in where the strip clubs are open all night?? Where I am at they are only open until 2 am. My man, too, goes to strip clubs every once in a blue moon but I really dont have a problem with it, or at least I try not to act like I do. If he thought I did, he would probably go more often. But if he was staying out all night, I probably would let it be known that this was unacceptable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 4:09pm
The strip club thing isn't a big deal on a one-off basis but twice a month with a guy who is newly married with kids is a joke - call the brother's wife and see what she thinks about it - maybe talking with her will help.

As for the "baby, just be quiet" thing, that's completely unacceptable - noone should ever talk to you that way - I would have walked out then.

Sounds like you'll have no problem finding someone else - there are plenty of men out there - go find someone who will treat you better

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 8:49am
Girl, the next time he is going out ask him "where are you going to live when you come home?" Put it it in no uncertain terms that this behavior is not where you want to be. Give him an option to make a decision right there if you are more important than his night out. Dr Phil says that "you teach people how to treat you." You have taught him that he can do it and get away with it every time, so why stop now. He he decides to go out, just put his things outside the door, on the lawn or wherever. It seems like you are asking yourself "what is wrong with me". There is nothing wrong with you. Don't take the blame for someones else's behavior. Ask him " Those girls look pretty fun...but will they let you move in with them?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:19pm
Right on! Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:23pm
Hi darma2002! I live in St. Louis, MO. The clubs on the "East Side" - Illinois - stay open all night. There are even totally, totally naked strip clubs. And wouldn't you know it - no Chip'N Dales or clubs that come close to male strippers. Thanks for your words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:26pm
Thanks! Well, I'll be sure to keep my man out of St Louis then! LOL:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:40pm
I totally agree! It's perfectly normal for guy to go to strippers 4, 5, even 6 times a year or whatever. I don't mind when it's once in a while. But EVERY time brother comes. That's too much - and then both nights of the weekend. AND his brother just got drafted by the NFL, so money to spend at these places is endless. How to compete with that?!?!? OH! And I'm strictly told to tell the wife nothing. If she calls, they didn't go out, etc. What a joke. So yeah, call her to talk about it and then have both guys start keeping secrets from me. At least I get told the truth.

Finding someone else? It would be very easy. Am I ready for that - not now. That's the thing, I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I'm sure it wouldn't take long, though! Thanks for your words!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 3:55pm
o.k. So I've not been a very good "teacher". How do I begin now? Especially when the whole concept of strippers doesn't bother me WHEN it's four or five times a year or whatever. That's normal. This overdoing it both Friday & Saturday, every time brother comes to town - is what I can't do. So I guess me overdoing it by putting all his stuff out would be appropriate? When he came home though, "She's trippin'.", would be the first words out of his mouth. To me it's not something to get up and leave over, and I really want him to enjoy himself with his brother. BUt EVERY time he's in town...too much for me. I do like your question about the fun girls. I'll be sure to ask him that the next time. Along with

. . . but will they take care of you the way you like me to, in all ways? Yeah right, for about 5 minutes until the next stupid pig comes along with a bigger bill of $ in his hand. Then she'll run and "take care" of that pig.

The next step for me is SINGLE life surrounded by friends. Especially friends with benefits (until that gets old)!!!!!!!!!! Men piss me off.

Thanks for your words.

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