Problems being physically affectionate

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Problems being physically affectionate
5
Tue, 08-05-2008 - 5:27am

I'm now 21 and am in the healthiest... and happiest... relationship I've ever been in. My only real problem I've encountered, so far, is that I seem to have trouble being very physically affectionate with my guy. I know that part of it stems from something that happened to me when I was 16... I was almost raped by a guy that was about 2-3 years older than me. Ever since then, I've been very sketch about being physical with any guy. With my current man, I've tried making real effort in getting this relationship going. We've been together for 9 months now, which is a huge record and accomplishment for me. Like I said, I'm very happy and very much in love with him. I just wish I could get myself to be affectionate towards him.


There's a second part to this problem. My man is a bit younger than me, and this is his first real relationship. So he's also very shy about being physically affectionate as well. I don't have much experience, and he has none. It's almost like we're waiting for the other to make the first move, but the other doesn't want to... if that makes sense. I mean, it's been 9 months and we haven't even REALLY kissed... just pecked.


What can be done about this? Please help! I really want this relationship to work...

--Carry
--Carry
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-05-2008 - 8:04am

9 months is long enough to have a talk about why you're both so timid. "Hey, you know, I feel like I've never really kissed you!" is a fine way to start out. Sometimes breaking the ice about it verbally really helps. It's the best way to be on the same page with someone.

I should say though, that if an event from your past is putting a damper on what you do and how you feel now, the only real answer is to find a counselor or therapist to talk to - even just for a little while, and even if you don't feel you need to. If you're in college/university then your resources are numerous and probably free, I know I REALLY wish I took advantage of them before I graduated. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 08-05-2008 - 1:27pm

Welcome to the board Carry,


I am wondering if counseling would help you work through the issues you still from almost being raped.


I also think that being together for 9 months you should be able to talk to each other about being affectionate. Communication is important in relationship. If you can't even communicat about it though, I would if either of you are ready for a physical relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-05-2008 - 11:37pm

Welcome to the board asu_thespian,


At 9 months, you should be able to communicate with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 1:48am

Thanks everyone. We have really been working on our communication lately, though we still have a ways to go I'm sure. But I've told him things about me that I've never told any other guy I've ever dated... I've even told him about what happened when I was 16. I am definately going to try to tell him what's going on in my head about this and hopefully things will start to improve.


Wish me many broken legs! (I'm a theatre student... so... yeah "Good luck" not so much a great thing... lol!)

--Carry
--Carry
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2008 - 11:41am

If it's nine months and you haven't even kissed, then it sounds as though you need some real professional help in getting over this block you have with being physical. He may need the help as well. Sometimes the residue of a trauma (rape) or other sexual incident can last a long time and create a great deal of fear. You need to really work this out with a professional person and get true help and support in getting over your apprehension and fear. Then it will become natural to give and receive the love and affection you are longing for.


Best wishes,