problems early in the marriage
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problems early in the marriage
| Sat, 07-07-2007 - 11:36pm |
Hello...I've been in a relationship for almost 4 yrs. and we have lived together for a little over 3.I've recently married this person.We got into an arguement about my mom.What happened was that my now new husband wanted to talk to my mom and I know how my mother is...she suffers from depression and she also suffers from paronoial theres a name for it that I can not spell. And because of this I was not raised with her as a child.Well regardless of this mental condition I understand that this is a condition and I love my mother.He wants to get close to my mother as far as the son-in-law mother-in-law thing is concerned.He has a large family and every one wants to meet my family.I am not comfortable with this because It took a while for me to reunite with my family after years of me being in the custody of the state as a child because my mother was not able to care for me properly.As a child I had to endure kids and grow ups as well telling me that my mother did'nt love me and that she gave me away.I knew better though.Thank God that I had good councel and therapists that helped me through this time.When I grew up this is a part of my life that I dont discuss with no one unless I know that they would never impose the mental abuse on me like I felt as a child from people who did not understand or that was heartless and wanted to make me a mental case.This disfunction I did not want to carry in my future.But my mother will always be a part of me and I know how to handle our relationship thats why her condition has bee secret.My husband family has their own issues as well.And I do not wish to share my past with them.Now that you know that part now here is what happened...He never personally met her before.He spoke with her maybe once or twice.My very own relationship with my mother is not a normal one because of her condition.Because my mother would not talk to him he was angry with me and said mean things abouut my mother out of his anger which real;ly made me want to protect this secret about her condition and the fact that I grew up in a foster home although I did tell him that I did not grow up with my family.I fel that he should love me and care that he gets along with me and to not let outside problems cause problems in our marriage.I did tell him that as a child I did not grow up with my family.I did not tell him the details.But if he was pleasant with the little that I told him I would have trusted to tell him the whole truth.The thingds he said about my mom made me feel disrespected and made me feel like I have to hide those things that he could use for verbal abuse.I'm feeling like I made a mistake marrying this person.I wonder how wil;l we make it through bigger problems.I need some love here...

I can totally understand you wanting to avoid having your mother meet your husband's family. And I can understand your need for privacy and not telling everyone about the issues.
However, I believe you've done the wrong thing by not being open and honest about your mother and your background with your husband. I would be completely devestated if I found my husband had kept such an important part of his background a secret from me. I would feel that he was unable to trust me to understand. And I would question just how many other things me may be keeping from me.
I can also understand his anger at your mother. You see, I have an autistic son. And if people don't know about the autism and have a basic understanding of it, they will incorrectly interpret his actions as being rude or arrogant or egocentric. And they will get upset or offended by his behaviour. (This is exactly what has happened to your husband) However, if I explain what's going on, people are far more tolerant.
The problem is that you've only told your husband a little bit about her. But if he was to deal correctly with your mother, he needed to understand the big picture. I know that you're mad at him now, but it's not his fault that he didn't know what was going on with her from the start.
At this point, I'd fill in all the gaps with your husband. But be prepared for him to be very hurt when he finds out what you've been holding back. When all his hurt has settled, then start teaching him about your mother and her behaviour. When he understands it, he should be far more tolerant.
In short, I'm a believer in being open about our past with those we trust and love. And I believe in educating those around us who do not understand mental illness/disabilities.
Tolerance comes with understanding. And those of us who understand can help educate and promote community accepance and tolerance.
>>as far as my personal life being laundered through my husbands side of the family..and i dont want no one talking negatively about my mother<<
Please don't underestimate his family's ability to empathise. People speak negatively when they don't understand. But with education and understanding of your mother's mental illness they are unlikely to speak negatively of her.
However, if family are a bunch of closed minded, intolerant nutters - please ignore this advice.