Pushed Away

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Pushed Away
4
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 4:43pm
Me and my boyfriend were together almost 4 years. I broke up with him 4 months ago so he could go to counseling and we could both could get our issues sorted out.

During this time he kept telling me "I love you so much and I really want you back."

I love him still, and we made some progress with these issues and recently I opened my heart back up and began to trust him again and decided it was time to get back together.

I hinted at this with my body language, like hugging, cuddling and wanting to spend time with him. He wondered why I was acting that way and when he didnt get the hint I came out and told him. Even when I was cuddling on the couch he kind of pushed me away and said he was going to help me look for new friends.

Well, all the sudden he said that he was so confused. I asked him why and he said that he was confused because we split up. I felt that wasnt like him to answer like that and I asked him if there was something he wasnt telling me.Finally after I asked him again if there was something he wanted to tell me, he admitted that some girl at his work came up to him sunday and told him she liked him. He didnt want to tell me.

I was crushed. I felt so hurt that he didnt tell me. I felt like our 4 years together didnt mean squat because he met some "girl" at his work. He met her not that long ago.

Later on when we talked I asked him if he wanted to be with me anymore. He said he really really wants to be with me, but he still needs time to improve himself.I believe that hes just saying that to see where this "relationship" between him and this new girl goes. He says he loves me and that he doesnt want to lose me. Since I knew this girl at work had feelings for him and he sees her everyday at work, I told him that if we get back together and she is his friend, I would not be very happy because it could possibly interfere with our relationship. He doesnt believe that.

He believes that they are just friends. But yet she admitted to having feelings for him, and I just dont see how it would work out. When I told him about this, he said no I'm not giving up my friendship with her. I'm not going to decide between you both. I see this new "friendship" as a problem waiting to happen. What I don't understand is how he could have been confused as to wanting to get back with me when she is just a "friend". And then he wont give up friendship with someone he just met when we've had 4 years together and were engaged! Am I being too paranoid or does this not seem right?


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: sweetieliz19
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:26pm
I don't blame him for being confused -- I'm confused too. You broke up with him, and yet you are acting like you and he are still together. Either you are or you aren't. And if you aren't, he's free to be friends (or lovers) with whomever he chooses, as are you. IMO it's not a good idea to break off a relationship "planning" to reunite at some point in the future. That may or may not happen, but to live your life as though it is guaranteed is a mistake. It's not uncommon for people to still love one another when they break up. You can't just turn off feelings like a water tap. But....if there are issues that are preventing you from being happy together, then perhaps you are not meant to be together. Love alone is not enough to guarantee a happy, healthy and long-lasting relationship. Maybe it is in the movies, but it's not in real life. If it were, most of the people posting here wouldn't be here. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: sweetieliz19
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:37pm
I don't understand this part:

I broke up with him 4 months ago so he could go to counseling and we could both could get our issues sorted out.

Why didn't you stay together AND work out the problems?

Of course, he likes her attention and how that he's figured out that being on a break-up from his relationship with you, wasn't the end of the world, he wants to explore his options, the newness of this 'friendship'. If you are with him and he's building a 'friendship' with her, knowing she has feelings for him, it IS a disaster waiting to happen.

Time apart SOMEtimes shows both people that life can be different and it's not as scary as the thought once was. It's not that you don't mean 'squat' to him, it just means he likes the attention of the other girl (will deny it though) and life, his ideas of the future are changing. Adjusting will be hard for you. Sorry you have to go through this.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
In reply to: sweetieliz19
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 9:54pm
The reason behind our breakup is a VERY long, painful story. After his father passed away, he seemed to not be able to channel his anger, and eventually the anger that he from then on experienced was brought on to me in physical abuse, so therefore he and I decided it was best if we stayed apart through his counseling. There is really a lot behind this and that is why I feel so scared when I think of losing him and all we have been through. Yea, its tough to deal with but we both wanted what was best for us and his family got involved and it was a mess! So we just decided to stay apart..and yea it really does hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
In reply to: sweetieliz19
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 10:42pm

Well, first, you have no control over what kind of "friendship" your ex (?) maintains with a girl at his job.

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