Pushing me away...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Pushing me away...
4
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 4:09pm
In 2 weeks my boyfriend of 9 months is moving several states away for a great new job. It's a big step for him and for us, we've decided to "see what happens" and if a long distance relationship can work.

The problem is, right now, he is very stressed, tired and cranky. It's understandable - with finishing his job, moving, nervous about the new job and city etc. It's a lot to deal with. In general, he is a relatively quiet person - not terribly expressive with words, feelings etc. When he is stressed, he clams up, making it so hard to talk to him.

With our limited time, I'm trying to make the best of it - see him more often, be in touch more, do things together. But I feel like he is pushing me away - he is hesitant to make plans, distant, and at times, not very affectionate or attentive. I know he is tired and stressed, but I'm hurt because I really want to be with him while we can, but I feel he has already mentally checked out of this state and is focused just on his move and new life. We discussed this and the stress last week - I told him what I needed from him, comforting, attention etc. He listened and understood. But he gets so irritable and quiet sometimes it effects me and I wind up the same way, withdrawing, and almost wishing I hadn't even come over to his house.

I feel like I'm losing him already, and I feel ignored. I don't want to be up in his face all the time, but I want to see him and am sick of initiating plans and emails that he seems less interested in than usual.

Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 11:07am
I don't really know what to say there could me many reasons why he seems like he's distanceing himself, mabey he's just trying to push you away to make it easier on both of you when he moves, I can't say how he feels, only he can tell you. and hopefully soon he will be able to tell you whats going on. Are you moveing with him ?

I'm sorry I couldn't be any more help
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 2:48pm

He is distancing himself from emotional pain and in the process distancing himself from you. You want to

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 11:37am
thank you both for your words. i appreciate your support.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 11:57am

When someone is moving away it is natural for them to withdraw somewhat as well. This makes the separation easier. If he became more bonded right now and felt closer to you, it would be harder for him to leave. So, in a sense, he is protecting himself, blocking out his feelings right now.


What will happen between the two of you in the future is anybody's guess. Long distance relationships are difficult and require a lot of good, open communication for the two people to stay in touch and feel cared for. Given the way he is reacting now, it doesn't seem as though he has the skills to do that. However, give it time and see what happens. Chasing him, hoping, wishing and constantly reaching out is not the way to go. It's bad for your self esteem and can also cause him to withdraw further, feeling as though he is being suffocated or overwhelmed. So, stand back a bit and watch what happens. Unless he is fully willing and able to reach out to you, the relationship can't really last.


All good wishes.