Puts the dog before me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Puts the dog before me
4
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 8:57am
I have been in a relationship with a man for just about a year. He is basically a very kind person, laid back, helpful, and caring towards me. There is something that is an issue, and I could really use your help on how to handle this. He does not want to take an overnight trip, because he does not want his dog to be alone. (He's not married or cheating or anything like that) This has interfered with our plans maybe 4-5 times. He does have family that lives close by, who could drop in and let the dog out, etc., but he has spoiled her so badly that she cries when he is not there and he feels bad about this. I know that I am very good to him and we both love animals, but I feel like I am lower than the dog on his priority list. I have not encountered this type of behavior before in relationships, and am asking to please help me find an effective way to discuss this with him and communicate my needs. I want to keep the relationship but I don't want this aspect of it to continue. Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:17am
Well, this aspect is going to continue....on two counts.

First, he's got this dog to the point that "wtihout him she suffers". HE has been there to do the feeding, water, he has been the treat giver and the care giver...her attention has subbed in for companionship in his life...and he's got the dog to the point that she is anxiety ridden and miserable without him.

And HE LIKES IT THAT WAY....he wants adoration nad attention - he's got it at "someone else's expense.' Aren't you glad it's a dog...and not you! That had you so intertwined, comingled and without "individual options" that you needed him around and became anxiety ridden and fearful when you were unsure of his location and of his return time?

So.....now if he was wanting to sub in yoru attention and adoration for hers....he can't. HE's got an animal that he has "trained to wnat only him".....and now there is guilt attached should he leave her behind for any length of time.

On a side practical note, heads up....an animal that whines and can't be soothed, or an animal that has been taught by its owner that its "tricks" of running around with the sofa cushions and tearing them up is "cute"...is NOT an animal that family members and friends WANT to come and feed. For HIM...they might, VERY OCCCASIONALLY. But as a rule - he's probably found that when he is forced by business or other obligation to leave - his family or friends that feed the animal tell him how miserable it is without him, how it wouldn't eat, it didn't appear to be anything but anxious and fearful and they would prefer NOT to have to care for the animal in any long-term situation again. And obviously, they can't take this animal to their home and care for it - which would be easier on them. The animal is so totally out of her element without HIM...that putting her into a new location might easily have her running away, unsure how to return, and causing more grief and upset than if they have to drive to his place and put out food and walk away.

He's TAUGHT this to this animal....becuase it meets his needs.

You're now dysfsunctionally sitting there goig "I want to be prioritized like the dog"...no you don't. The dog is totally "not functional or independent" without him in tow and in check.

You CANNOT be prioritized like this animal....because you're independent and self-prioritizing.

I believe what you mean realistically is "I want him to NOT want so much attention, approval, adoration, and affirmation from any source"...so that he can then appreciate me as a person and pay more attention to me becuase he enjoys my company. Now that - I'd buy. But - you can't make someone who's insecure and emotionally driven be what they are not.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:18am
autumnleaves2004...

Pianoguy loved this post....only because he can relate to it so well.

Having the companionship of a border collie more for than 11 years, I can see where your b/f might be a bit...err...protective of his canine child? It's amazing how some of us can grow attached to our 4-legged friends?

Do you suppose your b/f's reluctance to leave the dog with family is his way of saying: "I don't want to be away (alone) on a trip with you?" Granted...the excuse sounds a little dumb, but your b/f might actually be more comfortable sleeping at home in his own bed...and having the 'possessions' he's familiar with close by?

You can always try and earmark a weekend away once a month...or every other month? Leave the dog with family! Or perhaps with a neighborhood friend. This way...there's somebody present to spoil and care for the dog at all times. For some men, there's always a little uncertainty about leaving the dog "at home" and hoping a neighbor will let him out!

During your time away, perhaps you can convince your b/f to pick up a treat or something special to bring back to the dog? This will not only convince your b/f that you LOVE THE DOG almost as much as HE DOES...but that you need a little "TLC" too?

One thing that's very important...if you eventually get to spend some quality time away, don't let your b/f start scratching your stomach or tossing biscuits in your face! :)

Good luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:08am
I totally disagree with the "insecure and emotionally driven" bit. I was a pet sitter and saw firsthand how people that lived alone and loved their pet had been shocked to find that other sitters and even family had abused the animals or totally ignored them other then slapping down food and leaving. Even animals that see lots of other people around are used to a routine and affection from their "parent". Lots of animals will go into a state of shock when put into the care of strangers and not given the love and attention they usually get. They are no different then human children that think daddy has left them forever to die alone. It is a trauma. There are exceptions but I've seen it often. The best way to be able to travel together is to start small. Take afternoon rides so the dog sees that he comes back. Slowly make the trips longer by an hour or two. Then overnight. Each time ask a friend to stop and put down food and pet it. Little by little the dog will come to see that he will not be left for good. It sounds like a big deal but when someone loves their dog it's not much different then loving their child. If they have never left the child alone you'd need to handle it in a similar way. If he's a good man and you care for him then it should be worth it to make it better for both him and his dog. Did you know that dogs know when the master is on his way home? No matter how long the master is gone the dog will get excited within and hour of arrival. They are psychicly bonded. I see this man as full of love and caring and if you want him to care as much about you then stop seeing his dog as a rival.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:13am
Hi,

i understand how your guy fels since I own a dog too, I think you should try not going overnight any where and later just bring up the topic casually at the weekend and suggest

someone coming over to take the dog out etc. Don't feel inferior because it is'nt what it seems to me.You are important too,and sometimes you just can't get out of a relationship or d something drastci when it is just something real small as adog problem.

Just take things easy and try talking to him at the weekend.

Ciao