QOTW- "Break" Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
QOTW- "Break" Advice
8
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:02am
Hi everyone. I'm new here, but I wanted to get some opinions. Alright, so this may be long but I hope you stick around and read it.

Ok, so my boyfriend and I had been dating since June 1st of this year. And, for the past year or so I've been quite the partier.. I had gone out to bars a lot and was always partying. Anyway, it's gotten me into a lot of trouble as far as friendships, bills, and school goes. I never really had something that opened my eyes up though to my problem with handling alcohol. Until.. my boyfriend and I started dating. So, around mid June we had gone out to a bar and I had met his friend there. We were all hanging out, me, his friend and him when I got completely trashed and blacked out and was told the next morning about how much of an ass I acted like. He was really upset, so I told him that I'd try really hard not to let it happen again. I didn't realize drinking was the problem, I thought I just wasn't paying him enough attention or whatever. So, I stopped drinking so much for like 2 weeks.. Then, I started drinking heavily again. So, anyway things were going fine until we went out to a bar again just this past Friday night together and things got out of control. We met 4 of his friends there and I just was pounding my beers like crazy. So, I blacked out and was told by him the next morning about how mad at me he was/is. He was mad because I called out a friend of his and told him he was unattractive or something. Anyway, that wasn't the only thing... I apparently was talking to a bunch of people that night and they happened to be mostly guys.

Now, I've never cheated on a boyfriend in my life, and I have no plans to ever do so.. I wouldn't do it out of morals and what not. So, anyway the next day after I left my boyfriend's house and after he got back from work, he called me up and told me that he felt like we need to take a "break." He said he is just really mad at me for the way I disrespected him in front of his friends at the bar. And, the way I disrespected one of his friends as well. So, he wanted to take a "break."

So, this was on Saturday night and now it's Monday night and I definitely want to give him his space and I told him that I'm definitely going to change this time and stop my evil drinking habit. I want to calm down a little bit here and stop drinking so much. I know you might all be thinking that I'm an alcoholic, but I truly don't believe so, I'm not in denial, I have gone to the AA website and read all about it and I don't need drinks in the morning to perk me up or anything like that. I just get out of control really fast.

So, I told him all I can do is apologize and tell him that I'm going to work the hardest I can at not doing it again, because I really do care about him a lot and I can't control myself when I black out from use of alcohol.

He says he still wants a break though to figure out what he wants to do. He feels that the damage has been done and I can't change. I know I can because there are so many things that have already gone wrong in my life due to the use of alcohol in excess. So, this time I'm very serious about working hard at not drinking to the point of loss of control.

Alright, so I just hope everything works out and I have a few questions about a break?

1: Should I just wait around for him to contact me? Because, I know he's hurt and I want to give him his space, and I don't want to interfere with his time when he needs a break.

2: I also called up his friend who I apparently yelled at and apologized. I couldn't see the friend in person because I have no way of doing that, so I called and he almost hung up on me, so I had to leave a voicemail.

3: What does this break mean? In your opinion? I am just so confused about what to do... Does it mean he's just watching me to see if I really do change or what?

Thanks anyone for any advice ahead of time, I really need it and appreciate it.

Thanks again,

Anonymous

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:30am
I think you should look more deeply into your drinking problem, because it IS a problem. You are a binge drinker. It sounds like he is realizing that. Once, maybe you did lose control, twice, maybe you LIKE to lose control. He does not want to be around that type of person. You will most likely need help to change that behavior, starting by completely avoiding the situation (being near alcohol). If he gives you another chance, maybe you can have a barbeque-*alcohol free*- to let him and friends see you as the regular, polite person you are. If he doesn't give you another chance, call that a lesson learned.

I would give him a week. He will feel you are respecting his wishes and it gives him plenty of chance to call you first. Make sure that week includes a weekend, so maybe it will be more like 10 days. Then you can start by leaving a voicemail (call when you know he won't answer)and just say you've come up with this barbeque idea (or whatever)and you realize you'll need help to stay out of the situation, you hope he can be part of your life, etc etc. Leave it open-ended and positive so he'll WANT to call you. In the meantime, maybe even make a call or visit to a counseling place, or doctor, or something, to have yourself evaluated by a professional. Good luck, you're on the right track.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 2:08am
You DO have a problem with drinking, because when you do drink, you drink too much. Your bf is right. It is disrespectful to him. But guess what, it's disrespectful to yourself as well, not to mention damn dangerous to get out of control drunk, let alone drunk to the stage of passing out. Be thankful you've had people with you who care about you enough to value your safety more than you do.

If you've gone to the AA website, it's a big indication to me that, even if you don't think you have a problem, you certainly know that your behaviour is not normal.

Give your boyfriend the space he wants. He's using this time to see if you'll wake up to yourself. But YOU have to WANT to stop behaving the way you do. Until you know WHY you drink so much, you won't change.

I think some counselling is imperative. You need to find out why you're behaving in this destructive way.

Eve

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 9:59am
Oh, please don't take this the wrong way, but I laughed out loud (in recognition, as I used to think the same way!) when I read the part of your post about why you don't think you're an alcoholic! As someone who has been in recovery for 10 years, I can tell you that very few alcoholics need (or needed, if they are in recovery) to have a drink in the morning! The more important issues are, can you *consistently* STOP drinking after just one or two? I'm willing to bet you can't. And it's obvious from your post that drinking is causing chaos in your life...that's another telltale sign. Also, normal drinkers don't black out on a regular basis.



But sure, go ahead and try to moderate your drinking (it will probably work for a while but eventually you'll fall back into your current habits...BTDT). Personally, I doubt this guy will come back around unless you stop altogether because he will not want to risk another embarrassment to himself or his friends.

I hope this will be a wakeup call to you. Best of luck.

Sheri






iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:27am
Thanks or the last comment, but I honestly don't think I am an alcoholic. I think I need to start controlling it now before it gets more out of hand than it already is. And, I definitely am doing that now. I went out to a restaurant the other day and only had one margarita and was fine. I'm sure I can keep this going. Thanks for having faith in me?

I really do like alcohol, I just want to control it now before it gets too out of hand, and I really have faith that I can do that. I don't want to go out and not be able to drink anything. I'd rather go out, drink no more than 4 drinks and be fine with everything. I really feel like I can do this. Anyhow, I hope my boyfriend realizes that I am going to do this, it's just hard when we aren't seeing each other right now because of the "break." But, regardless of him, I'm doing it for myself and other problems as well, so if he sees that I am changing then that's awesome, but if he never takes notice then I'll be glad I did it for myself anyway.

Well, thanks everyone else for the advice. I really appreciate it. I think my only problem is giving him the space.. I can't stop worrying about him and how he's feeling and all this... I just hope this break is over soon, for better hopefully, whether that means break up or just.. get back together and try things out.

Thanks,

Anonymous

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:49pm
Maybe you are allergic to alcohol on some level.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:41pm
Yea, maybe I'm allergic to alcohol. HAHA.. don't I wish I could say that. I don't think I've ever even heard of anyone that is allergic to alcohol. Well, actually nix that.. I've heard of some asians being allergic to it. But, I'm not sure that's the case with me. Thanks anyway though. It made me laugh.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 2:00pm
Hey, if you can control your drinking *consistently over time* (not on one occasion), then that's great and that's what you should do. From your own descriptions of your alcohol use, I really doubt you will be able to, but I hope I'm wrong!

In any event, it's not a matter of having "faith" or not. If you are an alcoholic, what that means is that your body doesn't process alcohol in the same way "normal" people's bodies do, so no matter what you do to control your intake, in the long run, it won't make any difference.

I wish you the best.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 2:09pm
Thank you Sherri. I really appreciate what you're trying to say.

I hope I can control it, but as I've said.. if I can't.. then I will go get some professional help.

Thanks everyone for all the advice.