Quest.. Any advice helpful

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Quest.. Any advice helpful
2
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 9:00am
Ok.. Well my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now (july was our one year). We don't really fight that often, but when we do we have our time to be to ourselves, and chill out , and then we discuss whatever it was the bothered us or upset the other person.. Last night we had one of our fights. My BF's truck has been having problems lately, which has been really stressing him out. He finally figured out what the problem was and thought that he had it fixed. Well on the way back home yesterday his truck started to act up again. So therefore, it made him mad.. He called me to see if I could meet him at our apartment to pick him up and we could finish doing laundry. No problem. I got to our apartment he was sitting at the computer (no doubt on myspace). So I asked him if he got fuel (for our heating) and he snapped at me saying "My truck isn't acting right, and all you can do is give me crap about not getting fuel? I forgot ok?". So that spiraled into me giving him crap everytime that he doesn't do something right, and giving him attitude. I asked him to give me an example about how I give him so much crap. So he proceeded to bring up old fights (as ammo), such as our budget ( I run the books), and the fact that his money is his and he can do whatever the f**k he wants to do with it, etc... So I finally just said "Do whatever you want. You want to spend your money.. Spend it! I don't care anymore." I'm just tired of being put in the blame for all of it. I've helped him A LOT over the last year. Within the first couple months of us dating I took out a personal loan for him to get a vehicle (we've known each other for 3 years.. Were friends before dating.. FYI), and have since helped him with his credit.. I just feel like I put in more of the effort than he does.. To add to this .. He feels that sometimes we spend too much time together.. He hasn't mentioned anything about this in quite a while, but then again we've been getting along perfectly for a couple months, without arguing or fighting.. The other day he had the day off (it rained and he's a construction worker) so he said that he was going to go and see his friend.. And that he would be home after I got home.. Well, I tried to call him at 5, to ask him a question.. No answer.. So I just let it be.. I tried to call him again at 7.. No answer.. I texted him at 8pm.. No answer.. So I finally called again at 8:30 and left a message asking him to call me when he got the message.. Finally around 9:30 he came home.. Upset.. and bummed out.. Turns out that 12 years ago to the day he met one of his best friends who passed away (he was 27) a couple months ago.. So he went and visited the gravesite and visited his friends' parents.. Where he didn't have service.. I was sitting at home worried out of my mind.. Didn't know where he was.. And when he got home I told him that I would've just liked to have known where he was so I didn't have to worry. He said "Sorry" an that was the end of it.. It would've been wrong of me to be mean to him at that time.. So last night when we were arguing I brought it up.. When he got back into service the other night he would've seen that I had tried to call him, and obviously wanted to get a hold of him.. But did he call me? No! I just don't know what to think anymore.. Does he not care enough to let me know that he's ok.. I just hate being left alone for hours at night.. Last night again he left and was gone for over an hour and a half when he said he'd be "right back". leaving me at home by myself when we just got over fighting.. Shouldn't he want to be home with me.. Trying to make things better?? Instead of being out? His response was "Well, maybe we spend too much time together, and some time apart would be best." I said "Maybe." and then i exploded into the not caring issues.. Someone please.. I need to know if I'm just overreacting/ being too sensative. I love this man will all of my heart and soul, and I can't picture spending the rest of my life without him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 11:50am

Welcome to the board fieryfairy,


::"leaving me at home by myself when we just got over fighting.. Shouldn't he want to be home with me.. Trying to make things better??"


::Actually, it makes perfect sense to me that since you had been fighting that he would want some time to himself to think about things


::When he got back into service the other night he would've seen that I had tried to call him, and obviously wanted to get a hold of him.. But did he call me?


::He wouldn't have seen your missed calls, but he should have gotten your text message and voicemail. I agree that he should have called at that point to see what you wanted. However, it does sound like he was really upset and probably wasn't really thinking that you might be worried about him. Of course, it all could have been avoided if he would have let you know what he was doing, and that he wouldn't have cell phone service.


It seems to me that everything boils down to communication problems. Specially when you are fighting. Here is a link for a post to Ten Rules for Fighting Fair http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=28141.3&ctx=4096

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 3:06pm

Welcome to the board fieryfairy2006,


I second the recommendation of the Rules for Fair Fighting....in additon consider a few of these:


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman


Hopefully, after he cools off the two of you can have a conversation about what happened and how to work on it.